Dear World: go away.

I've spent the past week avoiding everything. Hiding in my room, taking constant naps, curtains shut. Pathetic. I haven't cooked a proper meal in a week. Sigh.

So it's Tuesday. I've lost more weight this week, though I still don't know how much. Enough for it to be certain weight loss and a concern, apparently. "Hospital is looming" she says, if I keep losing weight. My dietican, mum and I all share the goal of keeping me out of hospital. However, they want to avoid the need to go to hospital. I just want to avoid it, regardless of need. If that means running and dying alone, so be it.

After she weighed me and we got back to her office, she looked at me and said "What do you think I'm going to say?", whereas normally she'd tell me if my weight's gone up or down. I spent most of the appointment in tears, still keeping my head down except for when she asks to see my eyes. I've always been horrible with eye contact. Of course since I've been hibernating, I didn't get my OBs done this week (cancelled Saturday's appointment). I feel so horrible every time I have to tell her that I still haven't seen a doctor.

There was lots of talk about hospital. She said if my weight keeps dropping, I'm gonna end up there again, and they're going to make me gain weight. Like I said, I'm avoiding hospital at all costs. I would rather die than have to face any of that again. I'm still exploring my options for moving out, and I really need to get onto it soon. The appointments tend to blur. There was lots of talk about OBs, doctors, hospital, weight. At one point she said "...unless mum takes you into Emergency to get OBs..." I sprung out of my chair and walked to the car in tears. My last GP gave me an ultimatum of "I'm calling an ambulance, unless your mum takes you straight to Emergency." I will not be cornered like that again. So I run.

Mum (who stays to wrap-up after I panic) told me that she still wants me to come back next week, even if I haven't had my OBs done. I just feel like a huge disappointment, I'm such a waste of her time. I told her that I feel like I need to lose weight, that my friend keeps calling me healthy, that I can't stop it. I'm just in a different place to where I've been the last 6 months. Que sera sera.

On an upside, I'm noticing physical differences from the weight loss already. My leggings are looser, and I have a new concave forming on my side/back that I haven't noticed before My fingers now overlap when wrapped around the very top of my thigh, so I guess that's something. And my shoulders feel less 'flabby' which is lovely. I think I'm noticing things like this quicker at a lower weight, maybe because there's less to get rid of.

Sorry I haven't been commenting all week, but I've still been reading everyone's posts. I'll get back on track with commenting tomorrow when I have a little more energy.

xxBella

Side - taken this morning

\Stopping running has been so worth it for
slimming down that muscle!

Who holds the key that can set us free?.. It's You.

I'm floating along today, aiming for under 600 calories. I've just had a lovely bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, cooked with mashed banana, wheat bran, cinnamon & Stevia, for 130 calories. I've finally found a way to eat bananas - I just don't like them raw! I've also had 6 cups of coffee (48oz) for another 15 calories so far. I feel great having lost some weight this past week, and I really want to keep it up.

I've never lost weight eating this much. My first time losing a lot of weight (from 75kg to 43kg), I ate maybe 100-150 calories. Last time, I dropped from 66kg to 41kg (loss of 25kg / 55lb) in about four months, when I cut straight back down to 50 a day without fail. 

Then after hypoglycemia came into the picture this time last year, my intake's gone up a lot. I need to make sure I get at least 120g carbohydrates a day to keep my blood sugars stable. Do the math - with carbs being 4 cal/gram, I need to eat a bare minimum of 480 cals if I live on pure carbs. And very few things (even fruit and vege), have zero protein or fats, so there's more calories. 

Most days I'm still having normal foods, which is why I'm at 800. Breakfast is usually oatmeal with fruit, lunch is a cheese & salad sandwich with a side of peaches. In the afternoon, I make a fruit salad of strawberries, watermelon & cantaloupe - size depending on how many more carbs I'm going to need (or a nonfat yoghurt, if I can 'afford' the protein). For dinner, my standby is a small piece of hoki with oven-fries and salad, or a baked potato with salad. I treat myself a little after dinner, and have either a Special K bar or a fat-free chocolate Snack Pack. My choices depend on what else I've eaten, and how many carbs I need. Example, I can't have fish for dinner if I've had yoghurt in the afternoon. Too much protein = not enough carbs = hypoglycemia (or having to eat over 800 - hell no).

Today I'm having oatmeal again for lunch, and a baked spud for dinner. I should come out just shy of 600, which is fantabulous at the moment. Mum's gone away for a couple of nights, so I'm just being lazy. I don't particularly want to have fish for dinner or cheese at lunch, but my family appreciate the normality of it. I don't (never have, never will) lie to my family about what I do and don't eat, I've never felt the need to. 

Mum actually asked me a couple of months ago, if I was purging again. I went completely batshit at her and screamed and cried about "why would you think that!? You know I've never hidden anything like that! If I was purging, I'd have told you."  Considering I woke everyone up when I was sick the other night, I'm pretty damn sure she'd know if I was purging, haha.

I'm going to weigh myself in a week or two. My leggings are hanging off me now, baggy as hell. Mum said they look like trackies. I definitely feel like I've lost a kilo or two, but the scale shall tell the tale.

xxBella

Dietician update

My weight dropped again this week, which was kinda surprising, but kinda not. My dietician said that now she's concerned, as my weight's made a pattern of dropping every week. She asked if I'd had my OBs done, and obviously I haven't. She said that she feels negligent, and she can't keep seeing me without my medical issues being addressed. I didn't say much the whole appointment. My head just hangs down, face quivering, holding back tears. Quiet as a mouse for the few words I did say.

She asked mum if she'd noticed any changes in me at home, and apparently I've been a lot quieter. That's not such a bad thing, though. I need to shut my stupid fat mouth more often anyway. I spent the whole appointment just feeling like a huge disappointment, resisting the urge to run out in tears. She said to mum "...as her carer, you need to book an appointment with one of the GPs before you leave". (Basically, I've been on a Disability Pension since I was 16 - mum is also legally my Carer). I have an appointment on Saturday morning. Whether I go or not, remains to be seen.

The rest of the day at home was spent in awkward silence, intercepted with brief conversation and panic attacks. Mum went back to bed until lunch. I spent the morning cooking, and fell apart in the afternoon. It was just one of those days. I don't really have intention of going to see the GP. Apart from the fact my intake's going down and I need to get this weight off - and therefore there's no point in going to see a GP or going back to see my dietician - I don't know if I'd 'pass' my OBs anyway.

On Monday night, I had a bit of an episode of my blood pressure. I started feeling really dizzy and shaky, and had to lie down during dinner. My BP read 102/54. It should be more like 130/80. I've had issues with blood pressure for a while, and have been admitted a couple of times due to it. Anything under 60 diastolic, and mum's supposed to take me to the hospital. It came back up after half an hour, to about 110/70. I refuse to have my OBs checked, unless I'm sure they'll be fine. I am not getting cornered into hospital again.

It's currently 5:45am. I woke up at 3am, and began to be violently ill. As in, emptied-my-stomach-contents-in-10-seconds-flat, projectile vomiting. Lovely. Sorry for the TMI. I'm not sure what brought it on - could've been anything. Brother & Mum came running to check if I was okay. I feel better now, but I'm definitely not getting back to sleep - the sun's starting to rise!

Aiming for another week on 800. Might weigh myself next week, maybe the week after that. I couldn't be more than 46kg (101lb), which still keeps me under a BMI of 13.5. I'd like to lose another one or two kg before I weigh myself, but progress is progress. I just want it all gone now, but I know I need to pace myself. Somehow, I don't think I could handle losing weight that fast right now (last year I went from 66kg-41kg - a loss of 25kg/55lb in four months). Oh well. Slow and steady wins the race.


xxBella

Floating

It's Friday. I still haven't made a GP appointment. I've just been floating through my days, still and numb. I think I'm more quiet lately. There's not really a point in saying anything. There's nothing to say.

I'm not sure what to do with doctors. I'm definetly not seeing either of the GPs I've seen before. At the same time, I don't really want to see a new GP because of all the goddamn talking. I tried to see a new GP last month, and I left in a panic attack after 10 minutes because she just kept asking why I was seeing a new GP. We didn't even get to the "what's wrong?". Mum had a suggestion, though. Basically, I'm always the first appointment at the clinic on Tuesday mornings (8:10am, every Tuesday, for 5 months now, and booked until the end of the year - lucky her) and the waiting room is empty. There's two GPs who work Tuesday mornings, though they usually don't have appointments first thing. So mum suggested that we could ask my dietician & the girls at the desk if one of the GPs could come in just to quickly check my OBs during my regular appointment. It's a possibility but it makes me feel like a huge bother. Pfft, like I'm not already.

I told mum that it was just pointless to do any of it. My intake's falling back and I need to get this fucking weight off. I said it wouldn't be long until my dietician said she couldn't see me any more, if I'm just gonna do this. It'd be a waste of her time and it's easier for me just to cancel my appointments now, so I don't have to see how disappointed she'll be. Mum disagrees that she'll stop seeing me, but I don't know where she gets that from. I guess I'll see what happens next week.


A little off topic: Misty (my cat) caught a bird yesterday morning - twice. Normally it's up to my brother (though it was originally my ex-boyfriend's job) to take care of birds & rodents that she might catch. He wasn't home, and it was just my mum & I. Last time this happened, we were on the porch and mum screamed "Misty's got a bird! Misty's got a bird!" and I just screamed back "I don't know what to do!".
Yesterday, though, I jumped up and started chasing her around the yard. I'd taught Billy (my dog) to "go get the cat!" when they'd be playing lately. So I got him to chase her, and we eventually caught her and pried the bird out of her mouth. It flew off, but an hour later she got it again. Same routine, and it flew off again thank God.

Anyway, after jogging after her for a few short minutes, my heart rate hit 180+ and it was pounding out of my chest. I am so goddamn unfit. Over 9 weeks since my last run and feeling weaker by the day. The less I move, the less I am able to move. Three months ago I was on my feet all day and running an hour every day, and now I have to sit down to prepare anything in the kitchen and spend most of the day in bed.


Like I said, I really don't have anything new to say. Everything is just "same old story". Boring babbling bullshit. Sorry guys.

xxBella

Lying Down Thigh Gap

No OBs, No Appointment

Yesterday was my weekly weigh-in and appointment with the dietician. I stepped on the scales, and she told me I'd dropped down. We got back to her office, and she scrolled through the computer for a minute "it's the lowest it's been in a while, actually". Not exactly sure what that means. Maybe 46-47kg, maybe a tiny bit less than I started. Eyes fixed on the floor, that 'numb' feeling again, barely speaking. Mum told her that I'd been having two Ensures a day, and I break silence to say "it's just too much food".

Then she asks if I've been to a GP yet to have my OBs taken. I shake my head. How long have I been putting this off? "It was about 5 weeks ago that you tried to see the last GP?" Sounds about right. I had a GP appointment booked straight after the dietician a while ago, but panic set in and I left in tears. She tells me that it is really important that I get them done, so she knows I'm stable. Then, she drops a bombshell: I need to get my OBs done before I can see her next week.

She suggested that I see a GP I've seen before, so I don't have to really talk to them. That leaves me two options. I turned to mum and said that she could choose between them, because I didn't want to see either. I am crying - they both think I'm fat, neither of them think I'm sick.

Option A: The GP who I've seen the most recently - a total of maybe 5 appointments in the last year. She's the one who was a complete idiot, especially when I started seeing my dietician earlier this year. I went in and told her I wanted help to get better. "Oh, well you've made so much progress already - I can tell just by looking at you!" Bitch. FYI, I was actually going to gain a bit of weight before she said this. Nothing was a big issue. I walked out with no blood tests, no OBs taken, no referrals and no follow-up appointments. Though, she did say "let me know if I can be of help!" when I walked out "...can I have a hug?".  This pattern continued and I gave up.
Option B: My Family GP. Mum's been seeing him for over 25 years, and I saw him up until I was 18. I went into his office at 43kg (approx 12.7 BMI). Like many, I didn't feel able to speak up and ask for help. I told him about my troubles sleeping, and he told me to "exercise more". I'd already told him I workout 3-6 hours a day. I went home and exercised more - before being sectioned and rushed to hospital by an ED psychiatrist not a week later.

Mum and I talked about it yesterday. Neither of us has really come to a decision, so I guess I'll see what today brings. The dietician left me on 1,200 for another week, told me to keep drinking the Ensures if I can't eat the food, and told me my intake does need to go up if my weight keeps dropping.

But I've realised something. It's not the GPs who have it wrong - it's me. GPs don't think my weight's a big issue, because it isn't a big issue. If a GP can look at me and tell me I've made progress, or to exercise more, or if a friend can call me healthy... then I'm not thin enough. People said that to me when I weighed 50lb heavier, too. As long as people keep saying that to me, I will keep shrinking. Will a single-digit BMI stop people calling me healthy? Or do I have to be six-feet-under before it stops? Even then, I'm sure I'll still be the very picture of health.

Sorry this has droned on. I just feel hopeless. Going to the GP is just so daunting for so many reasons, but I'll try and get it sorted out today one way or another.

I honestly believe that I am far too big, and I eat far too much. This hadn't been the case for nearly 5 months. Yesterday's intake was 796 calories. Today is planned to come to 798 calories. I hope it's enough to get some weight dropping. I need to get it off.


xxBella

Still and Silent

Last night and today have been mostly spent sitting completely still, staring into space. Should you ask me how I'm feeling, I would probably say numb. Dead. I haven't cried. I haven't pouted. I haven't even been particularly anxious. I've just been spending a lot of time still and silent. Emotionless. Dead.

I cancelled my dentist appointment this morning. No. Just, no. Mum went instead for a check-up, so the appointment didn't go to waste. I spent the time pre-preparing my lunch and dinner, because it's too stressful and I feel to guilty to have mum preparing my food any more. I pull a barstool up to the bench, and I'm set. I can deal with it.

Facing my last Ensure in an hour. Then tomorrow, I put it in the cupboard, and I'm back down to 800 calories. Boom. Easy. There's method in my madness. Hopefully I'll see some weight loss on that.

Dietician tomorrow. Dreading it. I feel the need to cancel the rest of my appointments (first appointment of the day, every Tuesday morning, for the rest of the year), before she tells me it's a waste of her time for me to keep seeing her. I just don't want to deal with it, knowing how disappointed she'll be in me. The last few appointments, I've barely talked and had my eyes fixed on the floor. That numb feeling, again. Mum talks more than I do, which hadn't been the case lately. Mum knows the Ensure isn't going to be used much longer, and that I feel the need to lose weight, but she doesn't know that I'm going back to 800 tomorrow. So I guess it could be an interesting day.

The weather's warming up. Not long until summer. I walk a very fine line between hypothermia and heatstroke. Most days, I'm rugged up in unbelievable amounts of clothes and electric blankets, and even then  I'm cold. But once it gets around 25 degrees, boom, I'm at risk of heatstroke. I guess insulation is a two-way street. Feeling fresh after my bath this morning, I snapped a few quick pics. Note: I don't normally have this top tied up, but it's just a sack otherwise.

xxBella

I stand on furniture because we don't have
a full-length mirror. Don't tell Mum! ;-)

Two more days

I am far too big. And it is not okay. And it will stop.

I finished my grand 800 calorie meal plan today. It's perfect. I started using it straight away, though still with Ensures to bring me up to 1,200 calories. Unless something happens before Tuesday, I'm going to be dropping the Ensures and doing this for real as of then. I need to get this fucking weight off. I do not want to look 'healthy'. I want to look emaciated. Fuck healthy, fuck fat, fuck food. Sorry for the language. I just need to get this weight off. I need to.

I am chanting at the bit to get back to weight loss - Tuesday could not come soon enough. I want to drop my calories on a Tuesday (weigh day), so I'll be able to get a better view of my weight changes. Two more days, two more days. I can wait two more days. And then, I will shrink and I will not look healthy - not to anyone. I will get lower than I've ever been before.

I'm seeing the dentist on Monday, for the first time in quite a while. I don't dislike the dentist, but I do dislike leaving the house full-stop. And then the dietician on Tuesday. She's going to tell me it's a waste of time for me to keep seeing her if I drop my calories, I know it. And then I'll be alone.

Sorry for my consistently pointless ramblings. Come Tuesday, I'll be losing weight again and my ramblings won't be so pointless.

I. Am. Done.

xxBella

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately, but I'm reading everyone's posts and I'm going to get on to commenting after this. Thanks to those who've been commenting - you guys mean the world to me.

Lately I've been floating through my days. It's quite nice, really. I have every meal and snack planned so I don't have to give a thought to what to eat. I'm just waiting for time to pass. I've hit a point where I've realised that there is really nothing I want to eat. It doesn't even matter what I eat, or if I eat. I feel like yelling Eureka! and laughing like a maniac. It doesn't matter!

I've started to add Ensure back into my meal plan. Less food. Currently I'm eating a little under 1,000, and having an Ensure to make up the other 200. I guess I'm just giving myself an 'adjusting' period. Cutting the first 200 calories was way too easy, and the next 200 will be quick and painless too. Starting on 800 next week - potentially still with Ensure. It'll be gone within two weeks though, at most. And then I just have to wait for the scales to start going down.

My appointment with my dietician on Tuesday was routine. My weight is remarkably unremarkable - exactly the same as it's been for the past 3-4 weeks. She asked if I'd seen a GP yet to get my heart/lungs/chest checked out, saying that it should really be a priority. I nodded slowly, eyes fixed on the floor. I really just don't care, to be honest - it doesn't matter. Then she mentioned raising my intake, just a little bit, to 1,300 or so. I just nodded, staring at the floor. We left it at 1,200 for this week. I'm certainly not going to jump up and down for more calories, especially when they're dropping very soon anyway. It's just too much. It doesn't matter.

While we were there, Mum made an appointment to see the dietician two hours later, so she's getting back on track. The other day, she kept asking about my calorie counting app (I use MyFitnessPal, for those of you wondering) and I showed her how it works. Anyway, I didn't think it would be the most useful thing for mum as she doesn't need to count calories - she just wants to keep track of her blood sugars and be able to look up carb content. Instead I found her a proper diabetes-targeted app to track her blood sugars and weight, and she quite likes it. She's also going to go buy a calorie & carb counter book from the newsagency. I've always loved those little books.


There's maybe two weeks until I start restricting again.

How low can I go?

xxBella

There's something in the air

I've spent the entire past week making various plans related to weight loss, and ignoring everything else. I'd made a weekly meal plan for my current 1,200 calories, so I haven't had to give a thought to what to eat, leaving lots of time for planning restrictions and cut backs. It feels somewhat surreal to be planning serious weight loss again after having maintained for so long, but it's in the air. It feels right.

I'm planning ahead so I can make sure I eat a somewhat sensible amount. Starting at 800 calories and eventually lowering to 500-600. I know that I can easily get enough in 800 to keep my blood sugars somewhat stable, which is my biggest concern really. I could do 5-600 if I am very careful about what I choose to eat (basically only fruit & vege), but I'm going to start slow, and definitely won't be able to go back as far as 50 calories again (both for blood sugars, and I don't need to lose weight that quickly). Slow and steady wins the race, and also doesn't fall into a hypoglycemic coma. I want to lose about 0.5kg/1 lb a week, so I should be able to achieve that if I'm maintaining on 1,200-1,300. In my first two weeks eating more, I lost weight both weeks on 800 calories, so I should easily be able to lose on it now.

Enough about numbers. For now.

My family are going into 'Weight Loss Mode' soon, as my Brother put it last night. I've mentioned briefly before, that both my Mum and Brother are overweight, and have health issues related to it. I'm a bit of a Nutrition Nazi and know it, so I keep my mouth shut unless I'm asked for advice. Mum sometimes asks me "how many carbs are in X?", or diabetes-related things like that, but I never comment or give advice unless asked. Since my brother was diagnosed with hypertension, the Nutrition Nazi in my head has been jumping up and down at his sodium intake.

Anyway, yesterday mum and I were sitting on the porch, and she mentions my brother's health. His blood pressure has been up again, he's still having trouble with his leg pain, his girlfriend is very tired of his snoring. The GP says that they're all weight related, and has been pushing exercise for a long time. But due to his leg pain he can't exercise, and the leg pain will only go away when he loses weight. Mum and I had a chat and I mentioned sodium to her, that a lower salt intake could help his blood pressure at least. Last night, my brother came into the kitchen as I was stacking my plate from dinner, and looks at the back of his pack of crumpets. "Ohhhhhh..." - 500mg sodium each. Then he looks at the jar of Vegemite, and I tell him it's surprisingly not that bad because he uses so little and it balances out a bit with the potassium. He said that it's damn-near impossible to stay under the sodium RDI on 2,500 calories. I agreed - it's very hard, but not impossible. His maintance calories are, indeed, around 3,000 while sedentary. For a shock comparison  my calories to maintain would be around 1,600 - if my metabolism were functioning correctly. If we both ate 2,500 calories, I would gain 1kg/2lb a week and he would lose 0.5kg/1lb a week.

I'm guessing the scales will be coming back out from hiding, at least sometimes. Mum is trying to 'get back on track' and my brother is looking at his diet for the first time. Either way, weight loss is in the air. I'm certainly not going to say that I'm going to restrict again because my family are dieting. I was planning to lose weight again anyway. I was going to wait another two months or so, but I'm having trouble waiting. Maybe one more week. I need to get plans and lists made and calculations done and make sure I've got a sustainable plan. The only trouble is, I don't know when to stop. I won't stop.