I’ve been thinking recently about how people's words can stick with us. Even little things said in passing that most people would forget about shortly after, but they stick with us, trigger us, and can deeply affect us and our eating disorders. They get inside, lodge in our brain, and become part of us.
Going over my blood results, I talked with Dietitian about this. Among other things, my B12 has been steadily dropping. I mentioned that, when it first became an issue, Old GP immediately said
"Are you eating enough veggies?"
I have no idea why she said that. B12 mainly comes from animal products. Eggs, dairy, meat. My brain automatically made the connection of not eating enough veggies = fat. I felt deeply shamed, and although she never elaborated or mentioned it again, the comment lodged in my brain, even though it was irrelevant to the situation (or perhaps because it was irrelevant to the situation).
In general, I try to talk to Dietitian first, and she'll go over my blood results with me, because she is the one more knowledgeable in deficiencies and how to remedy them (and knows that B12 does not come from vegetables). Of course, GP will still go over them, but I try to shut down any conversation of recommendations by telling them I've already spoken to Dietitian about it. But some comments still slip through.
When she noted that New GP didn't order my HbA1c (which measures your average blood sugar over the past few months), I was relieved to not have that number.
"Old GP said I was basically on the edge of diabetes.""But you're not! I've worked in diabetes for 35 years--""I know. But it stuck.""And it doesn't matter when I tell you you're not?"
My HbA1C was completely fine. It's always been fine. I know this. Dietitian repeatedly tells me. But it doesn't sink in, blocked by Old GP's comments.
Dietitian is (quite literally) an expert in diabetes. She was originally my mum's dietitian after she was first diagnosed with diabetes. EDs are not her specialty, and is probably not who a GP would refer me to, but this was at a point where I had no medical supervision after far too many bad experiences, sitting around BMI 12-14, and mum thought Dietitian might be someone who could help (and be kind).
The first time Old GP said this, she asked if I still had mum's glucometer. She wanted me to start checking my blood sugars, even just once a day. So I dug it out of a box, ordered new test strips and lancets. I still do it first thing every morning, before I even get out of bed. Occasionally, if it's above a certain number, I have to check again later in the day to see if it's below that number before I'll allow myself to eat. The best start to my day is when I wake up hypoglycemic.
Because I usually have appointments with Dietitian before GP, it was two weeks before I spoke to Dietitian about it. She was horrified and immediately told me to stop, but it was too late. The habit had already taken root, yet another number to determine my worth.
Logically, I know I'm not 'on the edge of diabetes'. But it still eats at me. In retrospect, I wish I'd asked why Old GP said that. I don't understand it, nor does Dietitian. Even with an abundance of caution because of family history, it doesn't make sense. But I would immediately shut down when ever she mentioned it. Again, my brain made the connection of diabetes = fat.
Dietitian also seems to be very focused on my weight, and that I can't lose more, even though it's been frustratingly stable for the past few months. I think looking over the last year's records in April might've been a bit of a red flag for her. I always tell her my weight honestly when she asks, though I prefer not to get on her scales when I do see her in person. It's mostly been a slow and steady decline, so maybe she hadn't realized how much it'd dropped.
As always, when she comments that I can’t afford to lose any more, I point out that I was much lower for many years (including the first 4-5 years I saw her), so I'm not particularly concerned.
"But were you well then?"I paused for a moment "I wasn't unwell.""... that you could recognize."
(Then, when I went to see her in person last fortnight, she chirped brightly "You're looking well!". Fucking kill me.)
But I disagree. While I was more unstable in earlier years, once I started seeing her and got a handle on harm reduction, maintenance, and (once Old GP joined the picture) regular medical monitoring, my health remained pretty decent. I mean, even while I maintained that low weight, I didn't really have emergency trips for things like hypoglycemia like I had in the past.
She doesn't seem like she's going to let it go this time though, so it's an ongoing topic of conversation between us.
At my last appointment, after my blood test, New GP restarted the supplement chat. I told her in our second appointment that it wasn't going to happen, but she still wanted to discuss it further after I had a new round of blood tests done.
Thankfully, she seemed to understand when I explained why I can't. That it's not just about calories and weight, that my AN makes it difficult to willingly give myself nutrition in any sense.
Of course, she still tried to find practical solutions to get me to take supplements. The B12 shots are easier, firstly because I'm not the one doing it, but also because it felt more like medication than a supplement. So I'll be starting back on those every few months.
Other things are more difficult though. Always the problem solver, she tried to find ways around it. She suggested that, for vitamin D, I could take a large dose once a month rather than taking it every day, but that doesn't sit well with me either.
I should also say, I'm so happy that S is back. I’m trying to get back into my normal routine. That said, things were already pretty fucked up before she left. I’m starting to suspect I’m not doing so well with the recent changes in my meds, so this week I’m planning to talk to New GP about going back to a higher dose.
Some bookmarks I threw together recently, to use up some random scrapbooking card I’ve had in my stash for at least 10 years (why? I don’t even scrapbook!)
xxBella
