I'm really struggling at the moment. Today was torture. I feel depressed for the first time in a long time. I can manage breakfast okay, but after that things just get worse. I've been picking the cantaloupe out of my fruit salad, leaving the watermelon & strawberries. It's fucking 24 calories, but I feel like I need to cut back on everything. I only ate half of my sandwich at lunch, and skipped my yoghurt completely. Lunch was harder today, though, because mum normally has rolls, but today she had a sandwich because we were out of rolls. I don't care if her sandwich has 2-3x the calories as mine, I just can't bring myself to eat more than someone else. Not even eating more, I just want to be the one who obviously eats the least. A sandwich is a sandwich, and we're eating the same sized meal. Skipped afternoon tea and just had a cuppa, and went with my safe rice & veggie dinner, and topped it off with a low cal dessert of frozen strawberry yoghurt. About 550 cal today. I haven't had one day under 600 since I started seeing my dietician 10 weeks ago. I've had two in a row. I really need to get my shit together tomorrow. I'm scared. I want to want to eat, but I'm just so fucking scared.

I slept horribly last night. I slept from about 9pm until midnight, woke up to go to the toilet, ended up making a coffee and not getting back to sleep. I normally sleep 10+ hours. My days are too long as it is, and today's been six hours longer. I was up eight hours before breakfast, which my body just isn't used to. Gonna be up at least 20 hours by the time I get to sleep, even though I'm normally never awake for more than 14.

I've also been really hurting my fingers lately. It's kind of an anxiety/stress thing as well as self harm. I have no skin left around eight of my fingernails. They're peeled deep, and they're always bleeding and sore. It hurts so fucking much all the time. I keep tweezers and band-aids next to my chair because I just keep doing it. I don't know how to stop.

Sorry I've been a Gloomy Gus the last couple of days. Tomorrow will be better. That's what we always say, isn't it?

xxBella

What I Eat (pictures)

Hey guys. I've been meaning to get on my computer and make this post for a while (I normally just use for phone for all things internet), and since I'm having a tired, slow, quiet day, I thought it'd be a good opportunity to update you guys on what I'm eating at the moment (if anyone cares).

Breakfast:

• One slice of Four Seed toast, with Weight Watchers Canola Spread and Vegemite
• 20g Weight Wise oats, cooked in water, with cinnamon and Stevia
• Diced Golden Delicious apple OR Frozen Strawberry Yoghurt (I've only started adding it this week, hence its not in the pictures)
• 2-4 cups black coffee

Morning Tea:

• Fruit salad made of;
• Cantaloupe
• Watermelon
• Strawberries
• Oolong tea

Lunch:

• Cheese & salad sandwich made with;
• Two slices of Four Seed bread
• Weight Watchers Canola Spread
• Kraft 97% Fat Free cheese single
• Shredded carrot
• Iceberg lettuce
• Kirk's Sugar-Free Lemonade
• Yoplait Forme No-Fat French Vanilla yoghurt tub

Afternoon Tea:

• 97% fat free wholemeal English Muffin, toasted, with reduced-sugar strawberry jam
• Black coffee

Dinner:

(Most nights)

• Rice cooked with onion, carrots, green beans, peas, sweetcorn and teriyaki sauce (I also like to add egg whites and/or garlic if I'm feeling comfortable to)
• Kirk's Sugar-Free Lemonade
• No Sugar Added vanilla ice cream with caramel topping (or a Skinny Cow sundae if I feel like a treat)

Obviously, I'm trying to work in family meals, but that's kinda hard. I can't eat it if I haven't cooked it, weighed everything, and know exactly what's in it, so I'm trying to come up with my own 'safer' versions. Here's two that I've done in the last week.

• Thinly sliced rump steak in brown onion gravy, with instant mashed potatoes (I ate mash so much in hospital, and rarely at home, so I actually prefer instant and hate 'real' mash), steamed green beans & carrots
• Macaroni with a tomato sauce and parmesan cheese

This usually comes out around 900-950 calories, and I only eat more than 250cal in a sitting at dinner - and that's  because I count dessert as part of dinner. I still weigh and measure absolutely everything, and that's not going anywhere fast. I do have different foods on Tuesdays, because I feel like I need to give myself permission to have unsafe foods once a week. Not even fear foods, just being able to eat the same food as my family and not measure everything (I even cook my pasta separately...)  I'm trying to get more fruit & dairy in, because I'm craving them, but I get a pretty balanced diet and a good variety/amount of nutrients for under 1,000. I've actually been making really yummy, clean family dinners on Tuesdays (last week we had roast lamb leg!), though I do like making a little batch of cakes or something for afternoon tea. There is no shortage of food porn appearing on my Facebook on Tuesdays (maybe since I posted a picture of a cake, my friends all think I'm magically better, hence all the compliments on how good/healthy I look?). Apart from Tuesdays, though, the above is pretty much a set-in-stone meal plan for Wednesday-Monday.

hai

Anyway, I just felt like sharing what I'm eating these days :) Also felt like throwing in a random picture of me, so apologies if your eyes need a good scrub. Sorry for such a long post!

xxBella

Yesterday was very long, very stressful. I'm still having a hard time not smoking during the day, since it normally 'takes the edge off' without giving me any real relaxation (hence why I'm now waiting until nights). 'The edge' is a bad one to have back. Monday sucked, and I ate about 650 calories instead of my 1,000. Yesterday was worse - in the 500s. I flipped when I couldn't stack the salad in my sandwich without it falling apart. Then, a few hours later, I was making a lemon cake as a favor for a friend. The icing messed up and wasn't opaque enough. I didn't throw it in the bin. I threw it on the floor, picked it up and threw it again, thrashed my poor body around the kitchen, getting a good running start to headbutt walls, and collapsed crying on the floor. I really hurt my hand yesterday too. My knuckles and wrist swell at the slightest tap, and it wasn't a 'slight tap' yesterday. Pulled out a few chunks of hair, too. I'm a real wreck when I fall apart like I did yesterday. Mum wanted to call an ambulance, but she knows what I'll have to face in hospital - namely the dickhead psychiatrist - and she is very hesitant of doing so. She knows that if an ambulance was called, I would just run. It's a hard spot for all involved, but my last admissions really did so much harm.

I went to bed early-ish, and woke up at midnight after 3 hours sleep. It's now 7am. I'll probably nap after breakfast, or maybe wait until after lunch, but I'm not that tired. I'm so stressed about eating my full 1,000 calories it isn't even funny. All I really want is fruit & yoghurt to be honest, but when a whole 1kg tub of yoghurt is only 393 calories, that's not really practical. But I'm going to try harder today. I just feel so much pressure to lose more weight at the moment. Just to get back to my LW. I guess I'll just keep biding my time for now.

Thank you so much to Persephone Paix & The Lovely Bones. Your comments last night really helped <3 I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't started this blog and met the people I have.

I made my mum cry today. For the second time in a week. Because I keep hurting myself and crying and screaming about how much I want to die, and what a horrible/wasteful/manipulative/disgusting/fat/malicious/hurtful/destructive person I am, that I should just die, that I need it all to be over.

Feels bad, man :'( I need to run away and lock myself in seclusion and stop hurting everyone around me with everything I do. My mum never cries. But she's cried twice in the past week because I can't shut my fucking mouth and go to my room and hurt myself quietly.

I'm so fucking selfish

On top of the World

I ended up losing a little weight this week. Well, it 'went way down', but my dietitian didn't seen to want to tell me how much. More than the half kilo I gained last week. So I'm lower than I started, boo yah! There's a little pressure coming on to 'raise my BMI', but I'm not ready. If pressure comes on too much, I'm gonna bolt like a horse. I'm still eating 1,000 calories a day. I'm thinking I might do a meal plan post in the next week so you guys can see some of the stuff I'm eating (still 99% clean & healthy). She came up with a few GP reccomendations, so hopefully I'll find someone new soon. I don't want to gain. I'm quitting while I'm ahead - why would I want to get fat now? I feel invincible, achieving the impossible by eating more normal amounts while keeping my unnatural body. I feel like I have the best of both worlds.

In other news, today is my fourth day of waiting until nighttime before I 'smoke'. I'm over the hardest part, and I got a little 'buzz' last night after smoking half what I normally do. With any luck, my tolerance will keep lowering from here. Yesterday, I didn't cry, scream, hurt myself, break anything, etc.! Definitely over the hard part. Now I just need to keep it to after dinner only, which I've never managed to do for more than a few days in the two years I've been smoking bud. As I said to my mum last week, "As long as I'm not eating 50 calories a day and smoking a half bag a day, I'm doing okay."

Thank you to all you lovely ladies who commented on my last post. Love you all so, so much <3

xxBella

Hate

I truly hate myself. I don't just hate the way I look, or what I do with my life, or any of that. I hate me. I have since I could remember. Whenever I've felt suicidal, it's never 'I want to commit suicide', it's 'I want to kill me'. My self injury is okay at the moment, though I've hit my head a couple of times in the past week. Four months ago, I stabbed myself in the side of the head with a pair of scissors. Two months ago, my chest with a pen. Those lovely incisions & bruises on my thigh? A fork. I don't just hurt myself like I used to - I hurt myself because I deserve it. It's fucking horrible, to hate someone with all the fire in your heart, but that person is you. I hate everything about me, the person I am. I want to make myself suffer in the worst ways possible. Because I deserve it. I don't think anyone could hate me more than I do.

I started a tolerance break from smoking yesterday. Getting it back to nights-only, anyway. I'm having a pretty rough time during the day, and not much bonus at night, but maybe tonight I'll get a little something more.

Thank you all for your lovely words in comments <3 I know I should reply, but everything is so overwhelming at the moment, I just can't bring myself to do much.
Love you all <3

xxBella

Don't judge a book by its cover

I've been thinking lately about deception, and how looks can be deceiving. I've realized in the last few months, that getting all dressed up in a nice conservative outfit, putting on some makeup and flashing a smile, really hides what's going on. Whether its doctors, people on the street, or friends, I'm just getting positive feedback about my appearance, even though my BMI is still 13-14, and my measurements are as tiny as ever. I'm the same weight, but with better nutrition. My dietician clarified that it wasn't a weight comment when she said I was looking like I was doing much better, just that my skin/face/posture/whatever is better. My friend last night was lucky to avoid being slapped after he said I was looking 'healthy', but he doesn't know any better. I feel that if I pull on my mask & costume, I can make people believe that I'm doing well, when to be honest I'm holding onto my ED as much as ever, and I'm still slowly dying. But no one can see past my make up and clothes and smile, to see all that. I broke down to my mum the other day, and she said that she thought I was doing a lot better than I actually am, and linked it back to the fact I 'look' like I'm doing better (again, clarification that this wasn't a weight comment).

What do you guys think? Do you think that people can really be deceived so easily? I know that I spend all day in my dressing gown, freezing and feeling sick all the time, and barely have the energy to move, and that every day I wonder if it'll be the day I just 'stop'. But no one else knows that.

xxBella