Momentum

I am starting to feel a bit more ‘myself’ again this week. 

It’s taken a while to start putting myself back together. For the first week after my aunt passed, I didn't do much at all. I couldn't focus on even the smallest things. I didn’t read at all for a solid week — not even audiobooks. I didn’t watch anything. I barely slept. I couldn’t even tell you how I spent my days. The first couple of weeks are a bit of a blur. 

I gave myself a bit of grace from walking, in part because I was messing with my meds for a few days, just to numb myself a little — not enough to be dangerous, but not exactly safe enough to be on the walking pad. It’s something I haven’t really done for years now. I just needed to dull the terrible emotions because I couldn’t let myself go back to alcohol, but I couldn't stand to feel my feelings in their entirety either.

So I didn’t walk at all for five days. Then, of course, it’s always harder to re-start something than to continue it, so for a couple of weeks I was doing smaller amounts most days, but this past week I’ve been back to consistently doing two hours each day. 

The scales didn’t move much at all for a couple of weeks. This week has been mostly between 53.6-53.8 (118 lb, BMI 16.2), with a couple of days dipping back into the low 54s, but it’s nice to see it moving again after staying stagnant in the 54s for a few weeks. 

Nothing super important to note from appointments this fortnight. Some light warnings from dietitian after being down another kilo. Another increase of seroquel with GP. 

My psychologist had been on leave for two weeks, so there was a lot to catch up on with her. We had an appointment the day before my aunt died, when I was still waiting to hear. She did offer to link me in with another psych at her clinic, just in case, but I figured it'd be more stressful having to deal with someone new. It was terrible timing though. 

She wants to start talking about Christmas next time. Better ways to cope with the day, as sober Christmas/birthdays/anniversaries have been rough without having the alcohol to get me through (though admittedly it did often end in disaster). I’m not sure if there’s much that will help, but it can’t be worse than recent years, so I’m willing to give it a go. 

Today also marks two years since Zazu came home with me, so, cats. 

This second photo was just yesterday, the first time I had both of them on my legs at the same time. When it was Sephi & Misty, Misty always had my lap and Sephi had my calves. It took a while as an only cat for Sephi to start sitting on my actual lap. In the past couple of months, she’s started occasionally sitting on my calves again, and yesterday, Zazu finally took the invitation.

They still aren’t best friends, and I don’t expect them to be, but they co-exist (mostly) peacefully. Moments like these are still special. 

It’s uncommon for Zazu to sit on my lap at all, despite immediately doing so when I first met him at the rescue. He usually prefers to sit next to me and just lean on me. So it’s special enough when he does choose to, and having both of them just made my day. 

xxBella