First off, I want to apologize for taking so long to update after
my last post. The last couple of months have been intense and
overwhelming in so many ways, and I've barely been able to gather my
thoughts enough to even write in my journal, let alone blog.
My liver function has returned to normal. One of the levels is still elevated, but not hugely concerning compared to how it was after the overdose, and may not go back to normal until I stop drinking (even though I'm drinking much less than I was a few months ago). I only got the good news last week, and I wanted to wait until I got the all-clear before I updated so I at least had something positive to say.
That said, that's about the only positive thing that's happened.
Moving out looks like it'll be happening earlier than I thought. This week, the real estate agents came by to do a valuation. I spent days worrying about where to hide, knowing that I couldn't escape them completely, and wondering where they'd spend the least time. I ended up curling up in my armchair on the porch, trying to read, but being distracted by their voices analyzing the house and trying to hear what they were saying. They're now planning on putting the house on the market by the end of the month, having inspections for four weeks, and auctioning the house to have it sold by the end of May.
I'm scared about having strangers snooping through the house. I'm scared about having to go out for half an hour each week, even if I'm just sitting in the car. I broke into a panic after mum told me the plan. I have to start getting things boxed up and tidy for the end of the month. Not only will there be strangers, my biggest fear, in the house, but there'll be photos. That terrifies me. Both feel like such big invasions of my fortress, the place I never leave and never let people in to.
The past couple of weeks, I've been extremely depressed, about everything. When I saw my psych on Thursday, I was in tears for most of the session and couldn't make a single second of eye contact. I just can't cope any more. Even at home, I find myself in tears every day. I've had two psych appointments where I've turned up with fresh black eyes, not to mention other hidden bruises. It's not even just self-harm these days. It's attacking myself.
Between her, my dietician, and my GP, I haven't had many appointments in the past month. Everyone seems to be away for one reason or another. By the time I see anyone next, the house will probably be on the market.
I've given up on going to The Clinic. I decided a few weeks ago that I'd decided I did want to go, but it ended in a huge breakdown and a lot of vodka. Mum said she wouldn't even drive me to the admission, even if my psych handled the phone and admission side of things. It's not even that far away – maybe five minutes. But I can't get there by myself, and I can't get in a car with a stranger to take a taxi. Everyone agrees I need a higher level of care, but right now there's no way for it to happen.
I've also given up on my plan to get a car loan and do a few driving lessons before moving out. Mum had originally said I needed a couple of driving lessons before she'd take me out. Then she said I needed my own car. I finally came to terms with both issues and had sorted out a way to afford it, but then she said she just wouldn't take me out driving at all.
I'll have no license, no car, no way to get Billy to the vets, and unless I somehow manage to find somewhere affordable in the area, no access to appointments.
I've also been feeling very physically unwell the past few weeks. I think my intake consisting of mostly alcohol is catching up with me. I've been doing okay with drinking for the most part. So far, since New Years, I've been mostly meeting my goal of only drinking every second day (on average), although this past week I've been drinking every day. But I feel dizzy, light-headed. I'm exhausted all of the time. I constantly want to throw up. My heart races and everything blurs when I stand up. Yesterday, I tried to do some walking, panicked about the crap I've been ingesting. The day before, I managed 35 minutes before my body gave up. Yesterday, I could barely get up and get started. It was a push to even keep going for 10 minutes. My shoulders ached as I walked, like they were too heavy for their sockets.
On top of everything else, my laptop is broken after only having it for three months. I don't know how it happened. I put it away safely one night earlier this week, and when I turned it on the next morning, there was a big ugly black circle in the corner and white lines radiating. It looks like the screen has actually been physically damaged, but I can't figure out how. Apart from the obvious issue of sorting out a repair and finding the money to pay for it, it means I've also lost my main coping mechanism of gaming. And so this week I've been drinking every night for the past six days (although last night I only managed two vodkas before my stomach wanted to reject them).
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update, and that most of it is just whining. But I do want to say thank you to those who've contacted me to check if I'm okay. It means a lot, especially when I have so little social contact outside of the blogosphere. I'll try to make my next update more cheerful.
xxBella
My liver function has returned to normal. One of the levels is still elevated, but not hugely concerning compared to how it was after the overdose, and may not go back to normal until I stop drinking (even though I'm drinking much less than I was a few months ago). I only got the good news last week, and I wanted to wait until I got the all-clear before I updated so I at least had something positive to say.
That said, that's about the only positive thing that's happened.
Moving out looks like it'll be happening earlier than I thought. This week, the real estate agents came by to do a valuation. I spent days worrying about where to hide, knowing that I couldn't escape them completely, and wondering where they'd spend the least time. I ended up curling up in my armchair on the porch, trying to read, but being distracted by their voices analyzing the house and trying to hear what they were saying. They're now planning on putting the house on the market by the end of the month, having inspections for four weeks, and auctioning the house to have it sold by the end of May.
I'm scared about having strangers snooping through the house. I'm scared about having to go out for half an hour each week, even if I'm just sitting in the car. I broke into a panic after mum told me the plan. I have to start getting things boxed up and tidy for the end of the month. Not only will there be strangers, my biggest fear, in the house, but there'll be photos. That terrifies me. Both feel like such big invasions of my fortress, the place I never leave and never let people in to.
The past couple of weeks, I've been extremely depressed, about everything. When I saw my psych on Thursday, I was in tears for most of the session and couldn't make a single second of eye contact. I just can't cope any more. Even at home, I find myself in tears every day. I've had two psych appointments where I've turned up with fresh black eyes, not to mention other hidden bruises. It's not even just self-harm these days. It's attacking myself.
Between her, my dietician, and my GP, I haven't had many appointments in the past month. Everyone seems to be away for one reason or another. By the time I see anyone next, the house will probably be on the market.
I've given up on going to The Clinic. I decided a few weeks ago that I'd decided I did want to go, but it ended in a huge breakdown and a lot of vodka. Mum said she wouldn't even drive me to the admission, even if my psych handled the phone and admission side of things. It's not even that far away – maybe five minutes. But I can't get there by myself, and I can't get in a car with a stranger to take a taxi. Everyone agrees I need a higher level of care, but right now there's no way for it to happen.
I've also given up on my plan to get a car loan and do a few driving lessons before moving out. Mum had originally said I needed a couple of driving lessons before she'd take me out. Then she said I needed my own car. I finally came to terms with both issues and had sorted out a way to afford it, but then she said she just wouldn't take me out driving at all.
I'll have no license, no car, no way to get Billy to the vets, and unless I somehow manage to find somewhere affordable in the area, no access to appointments.
I've also been feeling very physically unwell the past few weeks. I think my intake consisting of mostly alcohol is catching up with me. I've been doing okay with drinking for the most part. So far, since New Years, I've been mostly meeting my goal of only drinking every second day (on average), although this past week I've been drinking every day. But I feel dizzy, light-headed. I'm exhausted all of the time. I constantly want to throw up. My heart races and everything blurs when I stand up. Yesterday, I tried to do some walking, panicked about the crap I've been ingesting. The day before, I managed 35 minutes before my body gave up. Yesterday, I could barely get up and get started. It was a push to even keep going for 10 minutes. My shoulders ached as I walked, like they were too heavy for their sockets.
On top of everything else, my laptop is broken after only having it for three months. I don't know how it happened. I put it away safely one night earlier this week, and when I turned it on the next morning, there was a big ugly black circle in the corner and white lines radiating. It looks like the screen has actually been physically damaged, but I can't figure out how. Apart from the obvious issue of sorting out a repair and finding the money to pay for it, it means I've also lost my main coping mechanism of gaming. And so this week I've been drinking every night for the past six days (although last night I only managed two vodkas before my stomach wanted to reject them).
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update, and that most of it is just whining. But I do want to say thank you to those who've contacted me to check if I'm okay. It means a lot, especially when I have so little social contact outside of the blogosphere. I'll try to make my next update more cheerful.
xxBella
