I ate similarly to last week, but I also went out to dinner, and didn't have the fasting days. Plus I was convinced last week's loss was mostly water weight, and so I expected to gain half of it back.
I think I was more shocked this week, when she told me I weighed exactly the same.
Last week, before I was weighed, I felt like I'd lost a little weight. My stomach didn't seem so bloated, my hips less flabby, my arms and thighs a little easier to wrap my hands around.
This week, before I was weighed, I felt like I'd expanded again.
She said she always half expects me to look at the number on the scales, and I just shook my head. Aside from the fact it would be unacceptably inaccurate, I don't want to see the numbers on a weekly basis.
"I tell people all the time that once a month is more than enough."
"The last time I weighed myself properly at home was in January, and I'm planning on doing it again... next January."
And it's true. I may even wait until the same date, the 21st. I keep telling myself that I'm going to weigh at the end of the month, in a couple of months, but I think I'm too afraid to. It can do me no good. There were a few months earlier this year that I was weighing myself daily on the Wii Fit, but I never knew an accurate number - it was just to get an idea of gains and losses. She doesn't know about that though.
When I first stopped weighing myself daily, a few years ago, it was because I had this weird realization that there was no point in doing it. When I stepped on the scale, all it did was make me want even more for the number to be lower. Why? Because it would be lower. I can run through the numbers in my head, all the way down to less than half of my current weight, without having to step on the scale. It will never be low enough.
Then on Thursday I saw my GP, and she had my blood test results. It turns out my dietician was right on the mark with her concerns. Both my iron and vitamin D are low, which were the ones she requested they check. My iron levels have actually been low for quite some time now, but it was never really followed up on by previous doctors, and it hasn't been checked for a while. She wants me to start taking supplements, which I was kinda expecting. She also wants me to get my vitamin C intake higher, to help with absorption and whatnot.
For the vitamin D deficiency, she's recommended a type of calcium + vitamin D supplement that also has a few other minerals added. She didn't want to talk much about the dietary side, but she wants me to talk to my dietician about whether I'm better to increase my iron and vitamin C intake through food or pills. I am not looking forward to either.
Naturally, mum bought a bottle of the calcium + vitamin D later that day. I haven't so much as opened it (although the box would suggest a fabulous shade of purple pill will be brightening up my meds case).
I did try talking to the mental health nurse about my struggles taking supplements after the dietician brought it up (this was before I saw the GP). We were talking about how I tend to forget to take painkillers despite being in pain, and after I thought it'd be a good time to mention the supplements thing. She said it wasn't important, and to just try to take the painkillers. Sometimes I like her, but other times...
Anyway, back to the GP. She was saying that the next person she wants to introduce to my team is the psychiatrist who she's been consulting with about me. She calls her my 'specialist on the side'. Pretty much everything my GP and the mental health nurse do is at her advice, and she already knows my history so I wouldn't have to explain everything from scratch. It's probably a better option than the psychologist they were talking about recently.
She wanted to make me an appointment, since it'll take a few months to get in to see the psychiatrist, but I froze and started to panic. She asked if that was okay, and I said no, not really. I've only been seeing the MH nurse for a few months, and she's the first mental health person I've seen in years, and I don't even trust her yet. It's too soon, and I'm just fucking afraid after past experiences with psychs and the mental health system in general. She understood, and offered to wait until mid-2015 before she starts trying to get me an appointment.
Thank you all for your feedback on my last post. It's always good to know I'm not alone (but I still couldn't succinctly explain why I struggle to take supplements if I tried). You guys are amazing. I don't know where I'd be without this blog and all of you wonderful people. Okay, stopping now before I get all mushy.
We took Billy on one of our 'distraction drives' the other day, because he started whimpering when we went to leave. Cuddling and holding him was the only thing that calmed me down.