Monday, 31 December 2012

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I hadn't replied or posted yet because talking/writing works me into such a state at the moment. I spend hours drafting and re-reading and re-writing, rambling endlessly and usually deleting everything. I feel it's a hopeless effort to try to be succinct & structured. Whenever I talk to mum, I ramble for hours on end and can't stop. I'm trying to avoid doing that here too, so this will more replying to comments than saying anything new. I'm just a wreck. I can't explain myself right now, so I won't even try.

I can't put how I'm feeling and what's happening into words. I keep trying, but it feels like things are missing and wrong. There's too much going on, everything is so erratic. I just feel strange, not like anything I've felt before.
I don't think it's a different disorder looming. I think it's just an episode-type thing , if that makes sense. I've struggled with various mental health issues constantly since I was a child, and I have nothing to tie this episode to, so maybe it's just a way of breaking down. I don't know. I just haven't felt like this before.

And I don't think it's caused by sleep deprivation - the insomnia came after. I started feeling this way on the 19th, and I just didn't feel tired enough to sleep more than 3 hours. I still don't feel like I'm sleep deprived.
I stayed up for 45 hours straight on Saturday/Sunday, it was ridiculous. I crashed last night and got four hours.

I don't think I can ask for advice/help right now. I don't even have a GP, and I still need to do a walk-in to get my OBs done (my dietician is getting very ancy). And not to mention, I'm still avoiding psychiatrists and hospitals like the fucking plague.

Saying that though, I should note that Mum is always 100% aware of what's going on and how I'm feeling, and the past fortnight's been no exception. She's asking I seek help too, though as always it's a circular conversation because I'm very stubborn in avoiding doctors/psychiatrists/hospital.
She always knows how I'm doing though, and wouldn't hesitate to call an ambulance against my will if my life's at risk (my brother will do, and has done, the same). So I'm in good hands, and they're both aware that I think I'm having a manic episode of some sort. I'm just hoping it'll pass soon.

I've been here for two hours typing this, after spending days drafting it.
I'll try to comment on everyone's blogs later. My head is not working at all after writing this. I'm a wreck and I know I'm not making any sense, I'm sorry. I need this to episode to stop, and soon.
I'll try to keep my rambles to a minimum. I hope I can make a regular post tomorrow. I really can't explain myself right now.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

I think I've figured out what's going on, if not why.
I've known it's not just anxiety or depression. I'm not going through a particularly rough time in terms of Anorexia thoughts, and it's not PTSD either. It's been something entirely new and scary.

I think I'm having a hypomania episode, which I don't think has happened before. I think it's what I've meant when I keep saying I'm losing my mind. I don't know what else it could be.
I'm not euphoric or having delusions of grandeur (I wish), and I'm not psychotic either. I'm somewhere in the middle: irritable & anxious, but it's more than just anxiety.
My thoughts are racing, in a million different directions and I can't seem to focus. I'm edgy, and I keep snapping at mum or breaking down in tears. I keep rambling on and on, it's like word vomit. I can't sleep more than 3 hours a night. I noticed the other day that I keep shaking or tapping my foot, which I've never done before. I can't explain it, but I do not feel like me at all. Something's just not right.

This is the best way to explain how I feel: I feel manic. I still don't know why. There was no trigger, it came entirely out of the blue. Its been nearly two weeks. Mum is very worried, she wants me to get help with it. I've struggled with mental illness my entire life, but I've never had a manic episode (except for drug-induced psychosis, which this is most definitely not). It's entirely new, and it's very scary. I

I don't think I'll be posting for a day or two. I simply am not in the mind to. I'm hoping it'll just pass soon, but I do not feel like myself right now at all.
Things are not good. I'm still not sleeping. But that's because my mind's been running too fast for me to shut my eyes. I just can't relax, my mind is running for no reason and I can't get my thoughts straight. I'm thinking about everything and nothing. It's driving me mad. I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. I'm so on edge it's unbelievable. I want to cry all the time and I often do. I've been getting angry at the smallest things and self harming every day. My thoughts are erratic, and I feel like I've been making absolutely no sense. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I don't even know exactly what I'm feeling. I started feeling this way last Tuesday or Wednesday, and I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night since. It's been nearly two weeks. I thought it was because it was the week before Christmas, but it didn't go away. There was no trigger and there is no end, it's a constant 24/7 feeling. It just came out of the blue.
I am just edgy all the time, can't get my thoughts straight, my mind is running, I'm jittery, I can't focus, I can't sleep, I can't even relax, and it's making it worse. I feel like I'm completely losing my mind. There's no reason to be feeling this way, whatever 'this way' is.

I'm sorry that I'm just making no sense at all lately. I don't know what's going on. I'm trying to explain what's going on but I really don't know. And now I'm crying again. Fuck. It's not normal anxiety. I've ever felt like this before. I'm losing my mind.

Friday, 28 December 2012

I only realised yesterday that I've been slowly losing weight for 2-3 months now. It just hadn't sunk in yet that I'm actually losing weight again.
I looked back through one of my little notes, and my last gain/upwards fluctuation was one week in September for no apparent reason, and it went back down the following week. Since then, I've been losing weight most weeks, with a handful of times where it's stayed the same.

It seems surreal. The past few weeks I've been able to see and feel the difference. And when I look back at pictures from only a few months ago, I can definitely see a change.
I'm going to get on the scales at home soon, for an accurate weight (I doubt I'd be more than 100lb/BMI 13, when I think about it). I just need to make sure my head's in the right place before I see a number. I also need to re-measure soon - I have a feeling my waist is whittling very close to the 20" mark.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I want to laugh and cry and scream, all the same time. Self harm has become a daily event again, as have panic attacks and breakdowns.
Restricting is the only thing keeping a slim grip of my sanity. It's my only relief, that I'm slowly shrinking.
I am so very tired of everything.


Thursday, 27 December 2012

"You've gone down 0.3kg"

I don't believe it either.

I was certain I'd have gained weight. Even though I know, logically, that I didn't eat enough to gain, it still feels like I should have.

I keep going over and over in my head what I ate on Christmas Day. It feels like I'm missing something, though I've never 'missed' something. Surely, I must've eaten more.
Half a savoury muffin, a mini croissant, two small pancakes (one with jam, one with syrup).
A single Ferrero Rocher in the afternoon.
1/4 chicken breast with no skin, two baby potatoes and half a carrot - all roasted in oil and covered in gravy, mind you.

I ate unsafe foods on four days last week, and couldn't be 100% accurate with my calories as I normally am.  For accuracy, I would've had to prepare my own food separately, which was against the point. But even still, I certainly didn't eat over 1,500 on any given day.

It was a very long morning waiting for my appointment. I still only slept 3 hours last night. I'm considering taking my temazepam, but they make me hallucinate so I avoid them.
I didn't eat before my appointment, though I did allow myself 4 cups of coffee instead of just one.

She asked me if I had my OBs done on Sunday, and I told her I still hadn't. I only have two weeks left on my mirtazapine script though, so I need to get a wriggle on to seeing a GP. It'll either be this Sunday, or the 6th of January. Either way, I'm fucked.
What does it change, anyway, if I get my OBs done? It'll just make people panic even more, and I still won't care.

Things are falling apart. I can't wait for the New Year. Mum wanted me to wait until after the busy season before I started looking more seriously into getting my own place, and it's just around the corner now.

My weight's been slowly going down for over two months now, and the last time I gained was a week in September. I don't want to lose a lot or quickly, I just want to know that I'm constantly wasting away.


Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Return to Normality

I've been losing my mind this past week. Each day is worse than the last. I think I may have snapped to some extent. I'm done.

The silly season is officially over for me. I won't be doing the 'eat, drink & be merry' thing again for quite some time.
I had three hours sleep again last night. I really hope I can get a better sleep tonight - I'm going to take some doxylamine and hope it helps. I haven't slept properly all week. I'm still unable to relax, but more depressed than anxious today.

I'm back down to under 500 calories. Those numbers just keep cutting back, don't they?

And I'm not too sure how I feel about my weight right now. My chest and shoulders feel bonier, but my arms are definitely bigger. I'd been slowly going down for several weeks, but sometimes I feel it and sometimes I don't. I just can't tell, though the scales will over the next few weeks.

Since Tuesday was Christmas Day, I'm seeing my dietician tomorrow instead. However, she only works in the afternoon on Thursdays, so my weigh-in is at 1pm. I have no idea if I should eat/drink before being weighed tomorrow. Normally I don't, as I usually get weighed at 8am, and I can deal with waiting 3-4hrs for my first coffee one day a week. But the afternoon makes it a much longer haul.  
Whatever I do, I need to eat/drink the exact same things next week for another 1pm appointment due to New Years. I guess I'll figure it out in the morning.


Christmas Wrap-Up

I'm so sleep deprived from the past week, I'm having trouble piecing time together. I've been so anxious, constantly on edge. It's really been like a week-long panic attack. I've had far too much to do, and insomnia came back with a vengeance  I can't even close my eyes, and I can't explain how I'm feeling. I've barely slept all week, and spent countless hours cooking & cleaning. Last night, I got two hours sleep after staying up for over 24hrs. It's now 12:30am, the day after Christmas. I'm completely fucking wrecked, the past week has been truly horrific. It's a miracle I made it through today without going completely psychotic and throwing food around, really.

My new display picture
I'm going to post a proper update tomorrow when I'm more rested, but for now I'm just going to keep it holiday-related.
I felt pretty today, having put on make-up for the first time in months.
Since I had people calling me 'healthy' after I posted my hair dye pic, I decided to change my Facebook profile picture for Christmas. I'm so tired of seeing that picture, remembering those words.
My chestbones are more visible lately, like bam, whereas I've stuggled to see them in the past.

Flouncing around in my second-favourite apron
As I've mentioned before, I'm cooking for Christmas again this year, eating for the first. Everything I made was horribly disappointing.
We'd decided to do two meals today instead of three. A roast in the afternoon, as is traditional, and a buffet brunch (which I've never done before). I'd also done a lot of baking in the last few days, though I won't post them all.

I made a buffet brunch for our first meal. We had:
  • Bacon, Cheese & Chive Muffins
  • Ham & Cheese Croissants
  • Nutella-Stuffed French Toast
  • Sausages & Bacon
  • Brunch... Everything went wrong, and
    close-ups weren't worth it
  • Pancakes (with whipped cream, whipped butter, cinnamon sugar, strawberry jam & maple syrup)

Later in the afternoon, I made a roast.
  • Garlic & Thyme Roasted Chicken, with stovetop stuffing, trussed (I'm quite proud, though last year's looked better)
  • Roasted Carrots & Potatoes with stuffing, garlic cloves & thyme springs
  • Homemade Gravy
  • Crusty Vienna Sourdough

I have spent ridiculous amounts of time baking in the last week. There have been plenty of cookies and nibbles, though I do have two honorable mentions:
  • Pa's Chocolate Sponge
    • Pa's Chocolate Sponge
      Choc Mint Cheesecake
    • This was a huge achievement. I swear, my grandfather had been looking down on me and laughing. He used to bake us a sponge every week up until 1-2 years before he passed away. This was my first ever success at his recipe, after years of failures that had sunk or cracked. I was so happy, I could've cried.
  • My Great Aunt's Choc Mint Cheesecake
    •  This isn't a hard recipe at all, but they just looked gorgeous. I made them in bread roll tins, which were the same shape as a cheesecake dish. Topped with peppermint cracknel and whipped cream. Too bad I don't like cheesecake.
I didn't get to try a lot of the things I cooked - in fact, a lot of them I don't even like.
I've put in marathon efforts in the kitchen, pushing myself far too much. But my family have very much enjoyed being spoiled rotten this week with their favourite recipes. I've been so busy, I didn't even get the chance to get excited about Christmas, and I never want to see food again.

As for presents? I got the World's coolest toy - a customizable Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device. Yes, you heard!
My brother gave it to me - he is seriously awesome (last year he gave me WoW gold, shortly before I quit). I opened the stand for it first, and saw the word "Aperture" on it. I leapt off the couch, and started jumping up and down screaming "OH MY GOD! PORTAL GUN, PORTAL GUN, PORTAL GUN!". 
I mean, come on. It's pretty damned awesome.

The gamer in me has really come back out today. Portal was one of my favourite games, and I'm going to be re-playing it tomorrow (probably twenty times). My endlessly-awesome brother, upon telling him I hadn't played Portal 2 yet, bought me Portal 2. So, if I go AWOL for a few days, you'll know where I'll be. I've always been very obsessive in everything I do, and gaming is certainly no exception. I need a distraction more than anything right now.

I'm majorly tired. I'm looking at a beautiful crash back to 500 calories tomorrow, filled with sleep and gaming no doubt. I'm so glad the week's over, and I'm utterly dreading my weigh in on Thursday, though any excess weight will be gone within weeks - I guarantee. I think I've completely snapped this week.

I'll update properly tomorrow - I'm just not functioning right now at all.
 Ladies, I'm exhausted. Tomorrow could not come soon enough - the return to normality, restriction and regularity.


Monday, 24 December 2012

I'm mashing my 'self-destruct' button as fast as I can.
I'm being pushed over the edge with Christmas. There's a reason I haven't eaten at Christmas before, and nor will I be doing it again. It's just all way too much. I'm complete wreck.
I'm sorry I keep disappearing for a few days here and there. I just can't bring myself to write most days. I'm falling apart.

I've drunk the last two nights, after 8 months of not.
Don't wanna talk about it. Won't be drinking again for another 8 months.

And now I've got to prepare everything for tomorrow. Fuck.
On Wednesday I'm not eating more than 500, and it will just keep going lower . I've done too much damage already with alcohol.

I'm a mess right now.
I need Christmas to be over, like I need fucking air in my lungs.

I'm sorry this is such an unstructured post. I've fallen off the edge.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Pushing limits

I've decided to throw caution to the wind this week. I'm not going to be super careful with my carbs, which I think I can afford with a higher calorie day next week. So I might come in with a few less calories too, but nothing too severe. I'm just tired of having to make sure I get my carbs in.
I'm also finding that I'm adjusting to lower calorie limits quickly, which isn't that surprising, but it isn't such a good thing either. I'm worried I'm going to have trouble trying to put my intake back up higher than 600 next week. If anything, it should be going much lower. I'm just tired of it all.

A little random food-related achievement for the past few days: I've located super-thin sliced wholemeal bread. It comes in around 22 grams a slice, for 51 calories (sometimes a gram or two either way). Bread just became so much safer.

Mum started buying Christmas groceries today. Panic sequence: initiate. But as long as I stick to my rules I'll be fine, even if it results in minor weight gain.
I've got a time plan drafted up, so fingers crossed I can keep my baking to one day only. I'm going to post a list in a few days of what I'm cooking Monday-Tuesday. I may even be drinking a glass of wine or two... I haven't had a drink in 8 months!

Wish me luck, ladies. In all regards.

Fun fact: I have horribly uneven collarbones

I conveniently cropped out my psycho-bitch
scratched-up forehead

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

And so it is Christmas...

So, I don't think more calories is happening this week. I'd much rather stay at 5-600 calories for another week, to make up for one day of eating unsafe foods at Christmas (not necessarily huge amounts of, mind you). I'm accepting that I'll probably gain at my weigh-in on the 27th, but hopefully only temporarily.

My family don't do much for Christmas, or any holidays really. Mum's always said "it's just another day", and it really is for us. She thinks it's a sad time, as my father isn't here (nor do we have extended family). But I want to make the most of it, you know? I don't want it to be such a sad day any more, silently grieving for our deceased family members and not spending time together. I want to make it a day to spend with the little family-of-three we do have left, before it becomes a family-of-two. So I will be cooking a roast and a few baked treats for my family, and I hope I'm able to partake.

I never eat huge portions, regardless of what it is. I'm thinking maybe half a roasted chicken breast with some vege & gravy for Christmas lunch, if that. The tiniest pieces of baked goods, only one of each. It's not so much the calories, as it is to being able to know exactly what's in my serve. So usually it's easier to avoid it altogether, but I think I'm going to try and eat the same food as my family this Tuesday.

Last year, I cooked the same roast that I am this year. After 8hrs+ in the kitchen, plus making baked treats in the days before, what did I eat? Keep in mind that I currently eat 600 calories on an average day, whereas both of these times I was sticking to my 'usual' fifty calories on an average day.
150 calories on the day. 66 calories of those for Christmas lunch. My lunch was 30g of plain chicken (not my amazing roast), 10.1g frozen mini roast potatoes, and 1 tsp instant gravy. I didn't get to eat any of the foods I'd cooked, but rather the weighed-and-safe alternatives.
The year before that, I fasted on herbal tea for the week.

So I'm going to spend Monday baking some of my family's favourite recipes, and cook an elaborate roast on Tuesday. I'm anxious as fuck about it already, but hopefully it'll go okay. I'm going to try to keep the 'eating' part to Tuesday, unless Monday brings otherwise. But I think I'm going to stick to under 600 every other day to try to minimize any weight damage, and hopefully get it back down the following week. After that, we'll start looking at going back to 800... maybe.

Good luck to all of you with whatever challenges the holidays may bring this year.
I can't relate to many of them, as we've never had big family Christmases, or ridiculous amounts of food 'because it's Christmas'. We don't have Halloween or Thanksgiving, we don't celebrate Easter, and like I said Christmas is quite a non-event. So I really don't know of the family or food-related anxiety that comes with holidays.
But I hope that you all make it through safely, however you're spending it.


Tuesday, 18 December 2012

I nearly didn't make it to my appointment today. In fact, I'd gone back to bed in a flurry of tears. After some nudging from mum, I ended up going to the appointment 5 minutes late. My dietician said she was wondering why I wasn't there yet (usually we're there before here), and that she'd be very worried if I didn't show up one week.
Understandable, after having seen her for six months now, first appointment every Tuesday without fail.

My mood's been plummeting at a rapid rate this past week. I just don't see the point in even talking any more, so I guess I haven't been online as much. The last three days have been spent sobbing non-stop. I really don't want to talk about why.

I told her my intake had gone down to 600 - still the same amount of carbs, but practically non-existent protein and fats. After a lecture on the dangers on inadequate protein intake, we went down the hall to the scales. My weight had dropped - hallelujah.

So I made it through the week without a hypoglycemic fit, just. On Sunday, I got very dizzy, lost my vision and started shaking. I made it to a chair just in time. I don't think mum noticed, and I of course said nothing.
Yesterday was very hard. I ate my usual breakfast at 8am, and sat in bed crying my eyes out for the next 12 hours. By which point I had racked up quite the carb-debt from skipping so much. I just couldn't eat enough to get it in. I had a bowl of rice for some dense carbs, and went to bed barely making 400 calories for the day.

I'm trying to put my intake back up to around 7-800, and my dietician really wants me to as well, but I don't know how it'll go. I don't want more.
I just need to fade away.


Friday, 14 December 2012

It's been raining all morning. It's lovely, and so calming, especially after a few days of 30+ degree heat.

It was far too hot yesterday to make soup, so I tried some new multigrain thin rice cakes for lunch (so yummy!). Today, I've just made up a batch of noodle soup (filini soup noodles, carrot, peas, parsnip, onion, garlic, stock, pepper, parsley & rosemary) which smells divine. A beautifully safe 105 calories, if I do say so myself.

I'm weighing everything now and have been for a couple of months, nothing is being measured by volume. Herbs and spices, pepper, the cinnamon in my oatmeal, are all being weighed in my little pill cups. Obviously they don't contribute huge amounts of calories, but that's not the point. I'm completely obsessed with precision. It's also much easier to measure things like water (for oatmeal) by weight too, I've learnt.

I'm currently resisting the urge to buy a fourth set of kitchen scales. I have one set of scales that measure in 1g, up to 5kg. I also have two sets of scales that measure to 0.1g, but only have a 250g capacity. I used to have some that measured to 0.01g, very precise, though they broke about a year ago. I'm considering buying another super-precise set, but that could lead to trouble.

Today is my third day under 600. I'm going to be mad if I don't lose weight this week. I'm eating only trace amounts of protein & fat, to make my essential carbohydrates more bearable. I'm avoiding hypoglycemia by the skin of my teeth, but at least I'm avoiding it.

Thank you to everyone who've left me such wonderful comments in the past couple of weeks. You ladies mean the world to me <3


Thursday, 13 December 2012

Hospital-free for a year

A year ago today, I left hospital for the last time (so far). A section had fallen flat on it's face, and I walked free. Since then, I've successfully dodged hospital and psychiatrists.

Since my first psychiatric inpatient admission at age 15, I haven't been 12 months without hospital (either inpatient at various units, or general hospital for ED-related issues). 2011 was completely hectic with six admissions in a year and two sections/Involuntary Treatment Orders. I've been counting down the days to my 'year without hospital'!

Last November and December, I had two admissions in a very short time. I'd had no more than one weak black coffee each day for two weeks, and on my presentation to Accident & Emergency I had blood sugar levels of 2.2 and very low blood pressure which were the cornerstones of my stay.
Room with a view
Looking out over Geelong, towards the bay
I was endlessly, constantly hooked to IVs - two lines at once in A&E. Dextrose, Potassium, Saline, Magnesium. They froze me from the inside out, the bags presumably stored next to the stephoscopes.

You've all heard of the horrible psychiatrist. I've written about what he said/did before, so I won't repeat it all here, but this was where he came in. He was always head-to-head with my endocrinology team, and they never agreed on a thing. My medical team were lovely, as were the nurses. They'd praise me for eating 1/4 of an English muffin for breakfast, instead of an 1/8th, while my psychiatrist would yell at me, getting angry and telling me I wasn't really trying.
"You're playing Brinkmanship"

My first admission was voluntary, for about a week and a half. The psychiatrist let me do my own thing mostly, and didn't really do much though I had to see him every day. One day, I told him that the endos wanted me to have more overnight dextrose drips. He protested, saying that he was putting it on record that he didn't agree with it, that it was like "giving a credit card to someone with a gambling problem". If I couldn't keep my blood sugars up myself, I don't deserve a drip. I discharged myself, my doctors warning me I'd be back within a week.

I was at the GP three times in five days before she sent me back to hospital, unable to walk more than 10 steps. I fought it the whole way, and the psychiatrist in A&E sectioned me. I cried, I wanted to go home. He told me I belonged in the psychiatric ward, and I cried more. The endo team fought him, saying I was too unstable (at this point, I had two IVs at once - I'd had to have them removed to go to psychiatric). The IVs stayed and I was put back on the medical ward under an Involuntary Treatment Order, en route to the EDU in Melbourne once a bed became available.

I cried a lot, and the psychiatrist yelled even more. The nurses were wonderful. They'd sit next to me and hug me while I cried about the horrible psychiatrist. Many of the nurses remembered me from the February admission, and it made me feel at home. I was wheelchair-bound of both admissions, and still had to have stable blood sugars to be wheeled downstairs for a cigarette. One nurse in particular, bribed me with going downstairs in my chair, if I ate a slice of toast so I wouldn't hypo off the wing.
"Do I have to eat the whole slice? Or just a quarter?"
"I think you should eat all of it."
On the second admission, the psychiatrist (wrongly) told me I couldn't leave the wing, whereas on my previous section I could if I was escorted. Sometimes the nice nurses would let me boyfriend wheel me downstairs on a 15 minute time limit, unbeknownst to the psych. I'd set a timer and hold on to the chair, and we would speed through the halls while I pre-rolled cigarettes.

 The story with the section? He had the weekend off, and was to organize someone to review me within 24 hours. Long story cut very short, he didn't. I was there for four days, sectioned. When he realized I hadn't been reviewed, it took a couple of days for him to figure out where I stood legally. Since I hadn't been reviewed, the section lapsed, and I walked free. Just like that.
"What's the plan?" I asked him, when he told me this
"No plan."
I discharged myself Against Medical Advice that evening, signing forms I'd never seen before.

It was a miracle, truly. I feel so lucky. It hadn't happened in the history of the hospital, to have a section 'lapse'. I was on my way to inpatient and force-feeding and 20kg+ weight gain, and I walked free. And I could keep starving. I'd never be so lucky for it to happen again, but I'm so grateful it did. It was the most amazing feeling, to magically be no longer sectioned.

And here I am a year later. Still running, avoiding doctors and hospitals and psychiatrists. Mum's said to me countless times, that I should be in hospital. But I never want to see a psychiatrist again, as long as I can help it. Fingers crossed I can keep having such a good run.


Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Do, or do not do. There is no try.

I'm not going to sit here and cry about my weight not dropping. Why? Because there's no one to blame but me. So I'm gonna fix it.

I'm not feeling much better today, but I made myself half useful this morning and made a batch of soup. Tomato & basil, with carrot and celery and things. Very, very yummy. So that's lunch sorted for 50 calories a cup, with a side of crispbread and maybe an apple.
I will never not love soup and salads.

I'm going to cut it fine with my carbs today, but I think I'll be alright as long as I don't have breakfast late tomorrow. I'll come in a little under 600 today, which is just wonderful considering 500 is my minimum. I doubt I'll be doing much else today, but I'm going to try to get some cleaning done tomorrow. It's just one of those days where all I want to do is lie in bed (okay, so that's most days).

I will have my weight drop next week. No room for tears or complaining, just improvement. If I don't lose weight at my next weigh-in, all hell will break loose. There are no excuses.

Oh, and I'm going to try to get to the GP for a walk-in appointment on Sunday morning. I've been trying to get there for a couple of weeks, but I'm really hoping this week will be the week I can get there. I'll leave in tears, I always do, but I still need to get my OBs taken at least for my dietician's sake.

Love to you all, sorry I'm bouncing all over the place with my moods lately.

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Unhappy people do reckless things...

My spark fizzled out over the weekend, and depression came flooding in. So I floated away and ignored the world for a little, only to come crashing back for today's appointment.

My weight was exactly the same this week. I don't want to talk about it. I just need to work harder. Eat less. Much less. It's embarrassing.

I'm hoping I'll have my weight headed in the right direction before the year's out. There's no need to over-complicate it: I just need to eat less. And so eat less I shall.

Sorry for such a short post. I'm just so very tired, and so very sad.


Saturday, 8 December 2012


I'm yearning to get this weight off.
I need people to stop telling me that I look healthy.
"Really healthy", even.

I always find that rings are a good indicator of weight loss. I was given a black diamond ring a couple of years ago, and when I put it on, it was a snug fit. I broke down, swearing that one day it would fit on my thumb. It did eventually, until it fell off and I lost it.

At the moment I only have one ring, and I haven't been able to take it off in nearly a year. Until today.
After so long of punching walls and the like, the knuckles on my right hand (several fingers and one on my  hand) are kinda deformed and mis-shaped. And one day early this year, the finger that my ring was on got injured (at the same weight I'd maintained most of the year). Ever since, I could pull and twist at my ring, but it wouldn't come over my permanently-swollen knuckles for love nor money.
Today, though, it just came off. And I put it on my left hand instead - it looks much nicer.

I'm not 100% sure that it's an indicator of weight loss, or just a coincidence. My knuckles still feel 'locked' and look strange, so I doubt that the problem's mysteriously fixed itself.
My weight had dropped for three weeks in a row, until last week when it stayed the same. However, I'm hoping that was just food/water weight, and it'll drop again this week. I'm having a slightly lower intake next week anyway, just for a 'boost'. I need my weight to go down now, and I need it to go down a lot. I just want to tear off my skin. I'm far too big, and much too much. Until no one can tell me I look 'healthy'. I won't stop until they do.
It's needs to go. I need to go.

No being productive today. Right now I'm sat in bed, procrastinating the massive amounts of lettuce I need to wash and dry.

Currently drinking anywhere between 4-5 liters (16-20 cups) a day, sometimes more. At least 3-4 liters (12-16 cups) of that is from black coffee. It's insane.

Beat the heat

It's 37 degrees today. Only a few days ago, it was 18. Sigh. Hypothermia to risking heatstroke all in a matter of days! Ah, Australia.


Friday, 7 December 2012

I feel so light and floaty lately. It's lovely.

Yesterday after I skipped lunch, I spent the following few hours in bed smoking (I had an anxiety attack making my sandwich and ran into hiding). The light-headed, dizzy, empty feeling from skipping a meal changed. It effects me more when I haven't eaten enough. Hunger feels like power, and sickness feels like freedom. The world doesn't exist.

I got a much nicer picture of my hair today. The wind was also being super convenient. It's such a nice deep burgundy.

I posted it on Facebook to try and interact with people more, and got some good feedback. One creepy guy (who I used to hang out with) sent me seedy messages, and one bitch said I look "really healthy". I deleted that comment so no one would get any ideas. I'm sorry that my face doesn't look as underweight as the rest of me, and that I carefully chose a picture that doesn't accentuate my weight issues. I want my fucking cheekbones back.
Apart from that, all the feedback was good.

So I'm feeling semi-confident about myself today. I don't know, I just feel good. I've actually been slightly productive (i.e, not in bed all day) the past couple of days, and I feel good in myself. Fingers crossed I can get a few more good days before I crash into a heap.


Thursday, 6 December 2012

"I''ve been thinking about changing the proportions of salad in my sandwiches." I announce, as if a life changing decision
"Really?" replies mum, lending the topic equal importance
Bless her for humouring my pathetic life.

This is the perfect example of my days, why I have nothing to post about. Mum listens with great patience, but I don't fool myself into thinking that anyone actually wants to know why my 28g of carrot and 25g of lettuce should be changed. Though these are the great problems of the world to me currently.

I'm trying to be half-way useful this week, and actually do things. Yesterday I actually made three proper meals for the first time in weeks, and even managed to stay out of bed for most of the day whilst slowly attacking my to-do list. This morning I kept myself busy for a few hours, dying my hair. I used to do it every month, but I've only bothered twice in the past year. Hell, it's lucky to get brushed most days.

December 2011
December 2012 (today)

It's not looking great. It's gradually become flatter and thinner over the past year. Mum & I had both noticed in the past few months that my hair is thinning out, but looking at the comparison pictures really drove it home today. It's barely grown in the past year (I haven't cut it), and it has no volume to it any more. The other big realisation, was when I needed only one pack of hair dye - not two like normal.

For now, I'm off to float away on my pillow after a long day. I just want to float.


Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Slipping Away

Everything's too much. I'm not coping. I haven't done anything all week because I'm too overwhelmed by life. My grand plans of being productive have been abandoned daily, sulking back to bed after breakfast. Every day I've tried to write a post, but there's just nothing to say. My words are pointless. At least on Tuesdays I have an appointment to talk about.

My weight stayed the same this week. I was the only one not completely overjoyed. I spent most of the appointment in tears and left mid-panic attack, as has become the norm again. After I left, she asked mum to tell me to think about having a chat before getting weighed next week. So that might be worth a try, but I never have anything to say until I know what's happened with my weight. Sigh.

I'm having trouble resisting the urge to do something drastic to guarantee a loss next week. But my stomach's been in knots all morning and I feel a bit bloated, so hopefully that'll resolve itself by next week and the number will drop. When I was putting my intake up, I always waited two weeks to get consistent results before changing much. So I'm trying to apply the same logic, and wait for two weeks of no loss before I lower my intake. I can't lower it much more without only eating fruits and vege, and even then I can't go below 500 calories. I feel bad, because I want less food, but at the same time I don't want it to be just fruit & vege. I'd be more than happy to live on nonfat yoghurt, but if I did that I'd either need to eat over 900 calories, or be hypoglycemic the next morning. Carbs are the only essential in my mind, and I feel so goddamn bad every time I eat something with significant protein or fats. Sorry I'm rambling.

Still no OBs/GP this week. Purely due to the fact that I'm not really functioning. I'm blocking everything out and spending my days in bed. My to-do list got too long and I panicked and shut down. My days are speeding by in a blur of tears and sleep and panic attacks. I'm still not cooking proper dinners, most nights I've had toast with Vegemite. I don't have the energy to deal with anything, mentally or physically. I think depression is seeping back into the limelight. I just want to be invisible. I'm so embarrassed to be me.

All my love to you wonderful girls. Sorry I'm being so horrible with not posting or commenting. I'm really going to try to make at least one post between now and next Tuesday, even if I have nothing to say. I'm going to catch up on comments later today or tomorrow. A thousand and one hugs to all of you who are struggling.


(I don't own this pic, but it's definitely relevant)