Slipping Away

Everything's too much. I'm not coping. I haven't done anything all week because I'm too overwhelmed by life. My grand plans of being productive have been abandoned daily, sulking back to bed after breakfast. Every day I've tried to write a post, but there's just nothing to say. My words are pointless. At least on Tuesdays I have an appointment to talk about.

My weight stayed the same this week. I was the only one not completely overjoyed. I spent most of the appointment in tears and left mid-panic attack, as has become the norm again. After I left, she asked mum to tell me to think about having a chat before getting weighed next week. So that might be worth a try, but I never have anything to say until I know what's happened with my weight. Sigh.

I'm having trouble resisting the urge to do something drastic to guarantee a loss next week. But my stomach's been in knots all morning and I feel a bit bloated, so hopefully that'll resolve itself by next week and the number will drop. When I was putting my intake up, I always waited two weeks to get consistent results before changing much. So I'm trying to apply the same logic, and wait for two weeks of no loss before I lower my intake. I can't lower it much more without only eating fruits and vege, and even then I can't go below 500 calories. I feel bad, because I want less food, but at the same time I don't want it to be just fruit & vege. I'd be more than happy to live on nonfat yoghurt, but if I did that I'd either need to eat over 900 calories, or be hypoglycemic the next morning. Carbs are the only essential in my mind, and I feel so goddamn bad every time I eat something with significant protein or fats. Sorry I'm rambling.

Still no OBs/GP this week. Purely due to the fact that I'm not really functioning. I'm blocking everything out and spending my days in bed. My to-do list got too long and I panicked and shut down. My days are speeding by in a blur of tears and sleep and panic attacks. I'm still not cooking proper dinners, most nights I've had toast with Vegemite. I don't have the energy to deal with anything, mentally or physically. I think depression is seeping back into the limelight. I just want to be invisible. I'm so embarrassed to be me.

All my love to you wonderful girls. Sorry I'm being so horrible with not posting or commenting. I'm really going to try to make at least one post between now and next Tuesday, even if I have nothing to say. I'm going to catch up on comments later today or tomorrow. A thousand and one hugs to all of you who are struggling.

xxBella

(I don't own this pic, but it's definitely relevant)