Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Slipping Away

Everything's too much. I'm not coping. I haven't done anything all week because I'm too overwhelmed by life. My grand plans of being productive have been abandoned daily, sulking back to bed after breakfast. Every day I've tried to write a post, but there's just nothing to say. My words are pointless. At least on Tuesdays I have an appointment to talk about.

My weight stayed the same this week. I was the only one not completely overjoyed. I spent most of the appointment in tears and left mid-panic attack, as has become the norm again. After I left, she asked mum to tell me to think about having a chat before getting weighed next week. So that might be worth a try, but I never have anything to say until I know what's happened with my weight. Sigh.

I'm having trouble resisting the urge to do something drastic to guarantee a loss next week. But my stomach's been in knots all morning and I feel a bit bloated, so hopefully that'll resolve itself by next week and the number will drop. When I was putting my intake up, I always waited two weeks to get consistent results before changing much. So I'm trying to apply the same logic, and wait for two weeks of no loss before I lower my intake. I can't lower it much more without only eating fruits and vege, and even then I can't go below 500 calories. I feel bad, because I want less food, but at the same time I don't want it to be just fruit & vege. I'd be more than happy to live on nonfat yoghurt, but if I did that I'd either need to eat over 900 calories, or be hypoglycemic the next morning. Carbs are the only essential in my mind, and I feel so goddamn bad every time I eat something with significant protein or fats. Sorry I'm rambling.

Still no OBs/GP this week. Purely due to the fact that I'm not really functioning. I'm blocking everything out and spending my days in bed. My to-do list got too long and I panicked and shut down. My days are speeding by in a blur of tears and sleep and panic attacks. I'm still not cooking proper dinners, most nights I've had toast with Vegemite. I don't have the energy to deal with anything, mentally or physically. I think depression is seeping back into the limelight. I just want to be invisible. I'm so embarrassed to be me.

All my love to you wonderful girls. Sorry I'm being so horrible with not posting or commenting. I'm really going to try to make at least one post between now and next Tuesday, even if I have nothing to say. I'm going to catch up on comments later today or tomorrow. A thousand and one hugs to all of you who are struggling.


(I don't own this pic, but it's definitely relevant)


  1. Bella Bella Bella Boo,
    I really want my parcel to get to you, I think it might cheer you up, I hope it doesn't overwhelm you - you know that I adore you so please try to enjoy it rather than feel overwhelmed by it if possible, but you helped me out too by letting me send it, it was the first thing I managed to put together in weeks, okay?!

    I'm really sorry you are struggling so so much at the moment. And you don't have to worry about not commenting, it doens't make you a bad friend. I know you are having a really hard time and words are too hard to find. I'm just glad to know you are here, and be able to tell you how much you mean to me.

    Keep going xx

  2. Dear Bella, don't worry at all about not posting or commenting, you are going through a lot and we all totally understand

    I can't help but be so very worried about you
    I've watched you slip further and further and I wish I could do something to help, but I can't even help myself so how can I help anyone else?

    I just hope and pray that things get better for you, I really do
    I know what a black hole this illness is
    I know the further you in you are the harder it is to see the light
    But Bella I want you to know that there is hope, there has to be
    You are stronger than you know, I promise you

    Please take it easy on yourself
    Try not to beat yourself up
    Be gentle with yourself
    You are precious

    Your friend,

    Ruby x

  3. Beautiful Bella <3

    You don't have to justify yourself for not writing :)
    I am so sorry you're feeling so down, I wish there was something I could do.
    First, I want you to know that I am proud of you. Don't beat up yourself, you're a wonderful person, and you've come so far. Don't let your efforts go to waste. You are strong, you can keep on going.
    Try and enjoy the world around you, take a walk, look at the nature, listen to good music.

    You've got all my love, my beautiful Bella. <3

  4. Hey darling. Just started following your blog and have used the morning to read up on a lot of your previous posts.
    I think you are amazing. And I must say that you seem like you're doing a lot better mentally now than you were only having 5 ensure a day .
    Hope your okay <3
    Love Jo

  5. I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time right now.
    You have my email address so if you ever need to talk please don't hesitate to email me. I care about you so much.
    Take care, you are so loved, please try and stay strong through all this.