Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I hadn't replied or posted yet because talking/writing works me into such a state at the moment. I spend hours drafting and re-reading and re-writing, rambling endlessly and usually deleting everything. I feel it's a hopeless effort to try to be succinct & structured. Whenever I talk to mum, I ramble for hours on end and can't stop. I'm trying to avoid doing that here too, so this will more replying to comments than saying anything new. I'm just a wreck. I can't explain myself right now, so I won't even try.
I can't put how I'm feeling and what's happening into words. I keep trying, but it feels like things are missing and wrong. There's too much going on, everything is so erratic. I just feel strange, not like anything I've felt before.
I don't think it's a different disorder looming. I think it's just an episode-type thing , if that makes sense. I've struggled with various mental health issues constantly since I was a child, and I have nothing to tie this episode to, so maybe it's just a way of breaking down. I don't know. I just haven't felt like this before.
And I don't think it's caused by sleep deprivation - the insomnia came after. I started feeling this way on the 19th, and I just didn't feel tired enough to sleep more than 3 hours. I still don't feel like I'm sleep deprived.
I stayed up for 45 hours straight on Saturday/Sunday, it was ridiculous. I crashed last night and got four hours.
I don't think I can ask for advice/help right now. I don't even have a GP, and I still need to do a walk-in to get my OBs done (my dietician is getting very ancy). And not to mention, I'm still avoiding psychiatrists and hospitals like the fucking plague.
Saying that though, I should note that Mum is always 100% aware of what's going on and how I'm feeling, and the past fortnight's been no exception. She's asking I seek help too, though as always it's a circular conversation because I'm very stubborn in avoiding doctors/psychiatrists/hospital.
She always knows how I'm doing though, and wouldn't hesitate to call an ambulance against my will if my life's at risk (my brother will do, and has done, the same). So I'm in good hands, and they're both aware that I think I'm having a manic episode of some sort. I'm just hoping it'll pass soon.
I've been here for two hours typing this, after spending days drafting it.
I'll try to comment on everyone's blogs later. My head is not working at all after writing this. I'm a wreck and I know I'm not making any sense, I'm sorry. I need this to episode to stop, and soon.
I'll try to keep my rambles to a minimum. I hope I can make a regular post tomorrow. I really can't explain myself right now.