Monday, 31 December 2012

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I hadn't replied or posted yet because talking/writing works me into such a state at the moment. I spend hours drafting and re-reading and re-writing, rambling endlessly and usually deleting everything. I feel it's a hopeless effort to try to be succinct & structured. Whenever I talk to mum, I ramble for hours on end and can't stop. I'm trying to avoid doing that here too, so this will more replying to comments than saying anything new. I'm just a wreck. I can't explain myself right now, so I won't even try.

I can't put how I'm feeling and what's happening into words. I keep trying, but it feels like things are missing and wrong. There's too much going on, everything is so erratic. I just feel strange, not like anything I've felt before.
I don't think it's a different disorder looming. I think it's just an episode-type thing , if that makes sense. I've struggled with various mental health issues constantly since I was a child, and I have nothing to tie this episode to, so maybe it's just a way of breaking down. I don't know. I just haven't felt like this before.

And I don't think it's caused by sleep deprivation - the insomnia came after. I started feeling this way on the 19th, and I just didn't feel tired enough to sleep more than 3 hours. I still don't feel like I'm sleep deprived.
I stayed up for 45 hours straight on Saturday/Sunday, it was ridiculous. I crashed last night and got four hours.

I don't think I can ask for advice/help right now. I don't even have a GP, and I still need to do a walk-in to get my OBs done (my dietician is getting very ancy). And not to mention, I'm still avoiding psychiatrists and hospitals like the fucking plague.

Saying that though, I should note that Mum is always 100% aware of what's going on and how I'm feeling, and the past fortnight's been no exception. She's asking I seek help too, though as always it's a circular conversation because I'm very stubborn in avoiding doctors/psychiatrists/hospital.
She always knows how I'm doing though, and wouldn't hesitate to call an ambulance against my will if my life's at risk (my brother will do, and has done, the same). So I'm in good hands, and they're both aware that I think I'm having a manic episode of some sort. I'm just hoping it'll pass soon.

I've been here for two hours typing this, after spending days drafting it.
I'll try to comment on everyone's blogs later. My head is not working at all after writing this. I'm a wreck and I know I'm not making any sense, I'm sorry. I need this to episode to stop, and soon.
I'll try to keep my rambles to a minimum. I hope I can make a regular post tomorrow. I really can't explain myself right now.


  1. You are probably run down Bella
    Your body is probably so very tired
    It's futile to tell you to take care of yourself in the face of this illness but try to stay safe

    I hope that 2013 is a better year for you
    You deserve to be well and happy

    You are a beautiful soul
    Don't ever forget that x

  2. Bella you sound like your body is very tired. Have you thought as a temporary measure to take a sleeping pill or something so you can have big sleep. You may feel a lot better and find it easier to manage things. Only a idea. I hate taking sleeping pills/sedatives but sometimes I just need to turn off from the world for my body to catch up. Glad your mummy is really supportive. Its great you can talk to her :) Have a good new years eve and happy new year for tomorrow. Lots and Lots of Love, Lucie xx P.S. Thank you soooooo much for your lovely comments!!

  3. That's very sad to hear,but at the same time I have also come to the same decision as well, so I can hardly say anything. I love you so much and I wish I could make things better, but I'm afraid I don't know how to :-/ Jacki said to me that she would not want me to suffer for one minute if she didn't think there was some way of making it past this, but it has gone on for so many years and it never s gets better, only worse, so I give up as well. At least we can support each other over the year Bella, because I think the world of you and if I could give you all the happiness I had left just to make one day good for you I would. I'm so glad 2012 gave me you, and I'm so pleased I will continue to know you and be blessed with your comments and kindness through the darkness ahead xxxxxxx