The last few days have been draining. On Thursday I got a voicemail from the clinic. My GP found out that I rearranged the appointment to exclude the mental health nurse, and had moved the appointment again. I panicked and broke down, assuming she was going to corner me into seeing the nurse, that she wasn't going to give me a chance to talk to her first, etc.. When we tried to call she'd already finished for the day, which gave me ample time to think up all the worst possible scenarios.
The next morning she called back, saying she just had to move the appointment because she was overbooked. She's not going to ambush me with the mental health nurse, she understands where I'm coming from and that I need more information and time. I really wasn't expecting her to say that, but it was a huge relief after so much uncertainty and worry lately.
Thursday was one of the hardest days I've had in a while, even before the GP stress, and I don't think there was even a trigger for it. I had my slice of toast for breakfast, but broke down halfway through my yoghurt. The best way to describe these breakdowns is that they're as incapacitating as a panic attack, but more depression than anxiety. I can't move, can't stop crying, can't even have a cigarette although they're right next to me. On Thursday it lasted from 8am-1pm, for no real reason. I'd only just managed to stop crying and calm down when we got the voicemail about the appointment, and I was a wreck again for another two hours.
Amongst the stress, it hasn't been a great week for food. I've missed lunch more often than not, and I've only cooked dinner once. I made a new batch of stew last week (beef, tomato, carrot, potato, onion, flour, stock cube, herbs) that clocks in at 138 cal per cup/250g, so that's been dinner most nights.
Saturday was probably my best day mood-wise in weeks. I spent a few hours planning my next sewing project (which I'm quite excited about, but more on that another time), and did some baking for the first time in ages. I made two dozen banana bran muffins for mum, and had a small one warm for afternoon tea (132 cal). It's not something I could do everyday, but it was nice to get back in the kitchen, and I know mum always appreciates it.
Anyway, I've rambled enough so I'll leave it there. I hope you all had a great weekend.