Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Another Week, Another Month

I've been trying to focus on just getting through each day, one day at a time, one moment at a time. Something must be working, because I've somehow made it through another week.

Dinner's becoming a problem again. I've been having soup most nights, in an attempt to keep stress levels down. There's a mechanical routine to my other meals that dinner lacks; the same breakfast every morning, two different lunches on alternating days, two different snacks on alternating days. Dinner's different, especially since I started cooking family dinners again, and sometimes it's just too much. 

Saw the dietician this morning. I went in teary-eyed and can barely remember what we talked about. It means a lot to me that she still sees me every week, even when I'm not making any progress. At the moment I just don't feel able to change my food routine, and I'm still maintaining my weight and drinking my Ensure, so I don't see what the problem is. 

I've been on my new antidepressants (Zyban) for nearly three weeks now, and I'm seeing my GP again later this week. Depression's taken over every part of my day. I don't feel able to do much at all, I'm constantly crying for no reason. The most I leave my armchair is when mum takes me out for a drive to distract me and calm me down, like a child.

I did start sewing some track pants over the weekend, after three weeks of doing nothing. It's not much, but it's something. 

Next week's my quarterly check-up with the thoracic physician (aka, the lung doctor man), and I'm dreading it. I've been chain smoking a lot, mostly due to depression and the inactivity it's caused. Over the last 3 months, I've gone from averaging 30 cigarettes a day up to 40-45, some days are as high as 50. I also have to explain why my dietician doesn't want me exercising, which could be interesting. 

I can't believe it's November already. Where did the year go?

P.S, good luck to those of you doing NaNoWriMo this year, as I know there's a few of you (I'm hoping to get back to it next year).



  1. Be my NaNoWriMo buddy? I've never attempted something like this And it's overwhelming to think about what I want to write about. So far I'm just following the crazy tangents in my head. Do you have inspiration? And if so can I have some? xo

  2. I love you bella, I wish I could make it better, I don't have many words at the moment, but I love you lots and lots and hope you carry on managing to sew a little and that the lung doctor appt isnt a nightmare xxxx

  3. I'm sorry things have been so rough for you as of lately Bella dear. I wish that I could take it all away and make you feel better. I hope the lung doc understands the amount of stress and depression you're under. Keep your head up dear. Love ya.

  4. Good luck with that doctor... hopefully he's understanding! We're all here for you <3

  5. Can I just wrap you in a green blanket and carry on a picky back in the forest with snow statues? Of course it would be nice and warm and there would be magic hot chocolate with no calories, sugar or anything you're afraid of in it.
    I love you Bella... so you better not get lost in that dark cloud.

  6. Oh hey I found another NaNo buddy. Yeah, it's November. I have no idea. Some months seem so long, but for instance summer feels like it was yesterday. So, after crying in the shower from how much hair has been falling out, my roommate made me drink an Ensure and cook dinner and all...those things are gross, I don't see how people get through them. I'm a big texture person. Thank you for reading my story, I'm just jumping around random scenes, trying to find cohesiveness. Take care hon, love you.

  7. Sending you massive hugs Bella. I've been doing that, literally just trying to get through each day, day by day, hour by hour, even ten minutes by ten minutes. I'm so proud of you to have made it through another week. You're so unbelievably strong and courageous - never forget how amazing you are! Sometimes it's enough to just tread water without swimming forward, and people don't seem to get how much of an effort it is to just stay in the same place. You're so lucky to still have your dietitian. I feel everyone's given up on me now. I have no one professional any more.

    Do you find antidepressants work for you? I've tried 4 different types so far, and it's still getting worse and worse. Also, do you take anything for anxiety?

    What's NaNoWriMo?

    Love you loads Bella, big hugs for you from me and my baby animalssss! xxxx

  8. How's your sewing project going?

    I'm sorry you've been feeling so awful and struggling with trying to eat more. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better or make it even a little easier…