I tend to find birthdays pretty depressing by nature - same as Christmas and New Years. I never expect it to hit me so hard, but in the week or two prior my mood plummets. Kind of like a 'what the fuck am I doing with my life?' thing.
I wrote a wall of text about how much things have changed over the last five years, what life used to be like, where I thought I'd be by now... that sorta stuff, but it was too distressing to see written down. I spent hours yesterday crying to mum about anything and everything. It's all so overwhelming, life in general, I'd rather just bury my head in the sand and try to block it all out.
I'm not doing anything particularly special today. Mum asked me to think about going out for lunch or something, but I really didn't want to. Anxiety and sickness aside, cafe and restaurant food is always so disappointing. I'd rather have homemade and make things exactly how I like them. I didn't get out of the house at all this month, but oh well. There's a piece of lamb in the slow-cooker and potatoes roasting in the oven, and I might see how a glass or two of Shiraz goes with my icky stomach.
I exercised for two hours on Monday, step aerobics and Wii boxing. I figured; I already wake up sweaty and gross, so why not? It'd been a week since I'd last exercised, and it was getting to me. I started with the intention of just doing half an hour, but I can't do just a little exercise. If I exercise, it needs to be for at least an hour of two. It's all or nothing. It's been weeks since my last 3hr+ day and the guilt just keeps building and building.
GP tomorrow, thankfully. Yesterday was totally fucked and today hasn't been much better. Aside from the depression, I'm getting really bad pains in my back (lungs?) whenever I cough like I haven't had since I was in hospital, and I'm coughing near-constantly. Coupled with a killer headache, fever, crazy BP readings and all that, I've achieved literally nothing for the last two days. I've barely even looked at my phone, barely been able to move off the couch. Billy and Misty have been keeping me company though - my furbabies always know when I'm not well.
Mum got me a ghd hair straightener! Excuse my crazy-bitch face scratches. I've been pretty good at keeping self-harm away from my face recently, but this weekend...
Mum's birthday is exactly a week after mine, so this year I just made a shared birthday cake. Last year I made two and it was hellish. It's similar to the one I made at Christmas - three layers of chocolate cake, sandwiched with buttercream, coated in ganache. I haven't had a chance to try it yet. I took one tiny bite earlier when mum had a slice, and it set off another coughing fit before I could even swallow it, and then I was too nauseated to even think about trying it. Sigh.