Infected

I feel like I've been hit with a tonne of bricks.

It started on Tuesday afternoon, in a wave of lethargy and chills, a cough from hell, a fever of 40°c (104°f), back twinging, heart racing, throat aching. Just like that, I felt too weak to move, too weak to lift my arms to roll a cigarette. I keep ending up in uncontrollable, breathless coughing fits. The kind where everytime I cough, I can feel my lungs exploding a little. I've spent the last two days going from armchair to couch, coughing my lungs up, constantly dozing off, shivering and sweating, tears leaking out because everything just hurts.

I haven't exercised since Monday for obvious reasons, but holy shit do I hate myself for it. I know I shouldn't push my body any harder right now, but it doesn't stop the guilt. I feel like death. Thankfully I made a big batch of soup over the weekend, so at least I don't have to worry about food prep - 14 cups of my mother's signature lamb, lentil, barely, peas, carrot, potato & onion concoction now resides in my freezer, coming in at 116 calories per cup.

Maybe I should've paid closer attention to the warning signs. Increased inhaler usage. Waking up coughing all through the night. Those strange little back pains that plagued me over the weekend. A chest infection, maybe? Either way, I guess it's a good thing I got my flu shot last month. Mum wanted me to see a doctor today, but I thought I'd give it a little longer and see if it goes away on it's own. They're closed until Tuesday now anyway, for Easter. On Tuesday, I'll either be feeling totally fine, or I'll feel like I'm dying and need to see a doctor ASAP. 

I know I'm rambling and whining, but seriously, I haven't even had a sniffle of a cold for nearly a year now, and this week I feel like I'm falling apart. Yesterday I was in tears for five hours straight, which only makes the breathing troubles worse, which only distresses me more... I feel like I'm suffocating and I've no patience for anything right now. 

In other news, my birthday's coming up in two weeks. I'll be 21 on the 30th, wow. I don't think I'll be doing anything to celebrate. I've always had quiet birthdays, and 21 is hardly a 'big one' anymore. It's not a coming-of-age or 'key to the door' as my mother says. Our legal drinking age is 18, so that's not an issue. All it really means is taking responsibility of certain bills such as health insurance (how exciting). It sure as hell doesn't feel like I'm 21 though. The last few years have totally disappeared and birthdays keep sneaking up on me. I still feel like I'm 16.

Tuesday was dietician day. Tuesdays don't take so much out of me anymore. A lot of the anticipation and anxiety surrounding my weekly appointments has faded now that I'm weighing myself at home (not that it ever changes much) and it's becoming more of a chore to get there each week, but I'd be in free-fall without her. She isn't supposed to be working next week or the week after, but she's coming in next week to see me anyway, which is so kind of her. She's going away for Easter and getting back at 2am Tuesday morning, but will be in at 8am to see me anyway. Bless. She really is wonderful. I tell her not to worry, that I'll be fine, but she knows things get harder with weeks without appointments to pull me out of my own little world.

I think that's about all for now... Sorry I've fallen so behind on comments etc. this week. My brain is fried and my lungs are trying to kill me. You guys are amazing and I love you all to pieces. 


xxBella