Thursday, 17 April 2014


I feel like I've been hit with a tonne of bricks.

It started on Tuesday afternoon, in a wave of lethargy and chills, a cough from hell, a fever of 40°c (104°f), back twinging, heart racing, throat aching. Just like that, I felt too weak to move, too weak to lift my arms to roll a cigarette. I keep ending up in uncontrollable, breathless coughing fits. The kind where everytime I cough, I can feel my lungs exploding a little. I've spent the last two days going from armchair to couch, coughing my lungs up, constantly dozing off, shivering and sweating, tears leaking out because everything just hurts.

I haven't exercised since Monday for obvious reasons, but holy shit do I hate myself for it. I know I shouldn't push my body any harder right now, but it doesn't stop the guilt. I feel like death. Thankfully I made a big batch of soup over the weekend, so at least I don't have to worry about food prep - 14 cups of my mother's signature lamb, lentil, barely, peas, carrot, potato & onion concoction now resides in my freezer, coming in at 116 calories per cup.

Maybe I should've paid closer attention to the warning signs. Increased inhaler usage. Waking up coughing all through the night. Those strange little back pains that plagued me over the weekend. A chest infection, maybe? Either way, I guess it's a good thing I got my flu shot last month. Mum wanted me to see a doctor today, but I thought I'd give it a little longer and see if it goes away on it's own. They're closed until Tuesday now anyway, for Easter. On Tuesday, I'll either be feeling totally fine, or I'll feel like I'm dying and need to see a doctor ASAP. 

I know I'm rambling and whining, but seriously, I haven't even had a sniffle of a cold for nearly a year now, and this week I feel like I'm falling apart. Yesterday I was in tears for five hours straight, which only makes the breathing troubles worse, which only distresses me more... I feel like I'm suffocating and I've no patience for anything right now. 

In other news, my birthday's coming up in two weeks. I'll be 21 on the 30th, wow. I don't think I'll be doing anything to celebrate. I've always had quiet birthdays, and 21 is hardly a 'big one' anymore. It's not a coming-of-age or 'key to the door' as my mother says. Our legal drinking age is 18, so that's not an issue. All it really means is taking responsibility of certain bills such as health insurance (how exciting). It sure as hell doesn't feel like I'm 21 though. The last few years have totally disappeared and birthdays keep sneaking up on me. I still feel like I'm 16.

Tuesday was dietician day. Tuesdays don't take so much out of me anymore. A lot of the anticipation and anxiety surrounding my weekly appointments has faded now that I'm weighing myself at home (not that it ever changes much) and it's becoming more of a chore to get there each week, but I'd be in free-fall without her. She isn't supposed to be working next week or the week after, but she's coming in next week to see me anyway, which is so kind of her. She's going away for Easter and getting back at 2am Tuesday morning, but will be in at 8am to see me anyway. Bless. She really is wonderful. I tell her not to worry, that I'll be fine, but she knows things get harder with weeks without appointments to pull me out of my own little world.

I think that's about all for now... Sorry I've fallen so behind on comments etc. this week. My brain is fried and my lungs are trying to kill me. You guys are amazing and I love you all to pieces. 



  1. i just want to cry. Bellsy, noooooo. i hope you feel better soon. seriously, this entirely made me want to just put you into a bubble where nothing could hurt you. fucking microbes.
    i'm sorry you feel so guilty about not exercising.
    i hope the soup makes you feel a tiny bit better.
    i wish i can do something to help. i literally would give all to help right now. you are in my thoughts and prayers at all times.
    ah. birthdays suck for that. i'm not used to quiet birthdays. every single one of them ends up with me expecting too much, feeling dejected. the past few birthdays have ended up with me restricting very horribly on them because of my fears of being forced to eat cake, but that never happens.
    anyway, enough about me - i love you, missy.
    "A lot of the anticipation and anxiety surrounding my weekly appointments has faded now" that's one good thing at least. i really am glad for that.
    I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU AIR FROM MY LUNGS [sorry. just had to. sometimes, when you feel like crap, you need something to make you smile. stuff like this does but then again, i am so easily amuse.]

    rest well. don't stress too much [difficult to do, but i really hope trust you'd be able to]. and try to distress, m'dear. it'll all pan out eventually. simply because it has to x

    -Sam Lupin

  2. That's great that you got a bunch of soup made; I certainly do better when I don't have to think about every meal. I hope you start to feel better soon, but definitely go to the doctor! Those symptoms sound horrible. Also, even if birthdays don't "open a door", they're still an anniversary of successfully making it through the past year! Xoxo try to get better

  3. i hope you're feeling better.
    i've been thinking about you.

    -Sam Lupin <3

  4. Wow. She sounds incredible. Like, one of those amazingly kind people who just make the world a better place in lovely, small ways.

    Please keep us updated on how you're doing and take care of yourself <3

  5. Poor little girl with the flue... :/ take care honey, you're right you shouldn't work any harder than you are because if you do it can get a lot worse. It's pretty useless to say don't feel quilty but just keep talking yourself the rational stuff
    Sending you hugs, kisses and magic healing touch <3

  6. So sorry you've been ill and totally understand feeling guilty about not exercising. It really is for the best that you rest up and heal soon.

    The soup sounds amazing. I <3 lamb,and only usually get it in Indian food (on binges :/) something that is healthy with it would be great. Could you publish the recipe?

    Your nutritionist sounds amazing. Keep us updated on how the visit goes.

  7. *hug* stay hydrated. don't stress over anything. focus on getting better. i'm sorry you're sick. and i love your dietician! what a sweet person. don't worry about your 21st, it's such a silly thing. just another number. although, i think people stop discussing their birthdays after they hit 21, so enjoy it anyway. :) love you lots and lots, girl. xx take care of yourself

    (also, i hate blogger right now, because every time i try to comment on your blog it like, vanishes. which makes no sense. here's hoping this one goes through. meow.)

  8. i'm thinking about you much sweetie. i hope you're doing better. rest up well.
    don't feel guilty about not exercising. it's okay.
    and just remember that you're in my head like 24/7.

    -Sam Lupin

  9. Oh, Bella. That sounds truly awful and I hope that you feel better really soon! I'll be thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way! Rest easy xx

  10. Hope you are feeling better, my son has been running a really high fever too lately (41 :S)... But he is finally getting better.. Stay hydrated hon.. And I really think you should do something special for your 21st bday :) Doesn't have to be a big thing, but something to mark the day..

  11. i believe that there are two mindsets for exercise for an person afflicted with an ED. either they don't exercise and haven't for a long time, or they decide to go back into it and when they skip a day, it's the end of the world.
    i think one thing exercise does help with is the "productive" feeling. at least you did something today sort of feeling and i think that for you, that is a vital feeling especially because considering your earlier posts about being unhappy about not being productive, it was something in my head.
    "I am doing okay, thank you for your comments lovely. I'm still alive, just very exhausted and icky and gross." good. we like our Bella's...uh....alive. [i stole that from a fanfic :3]
    "I love your poems, I'm sorry I keep falling behind on comments. Your haiku is beautiful, especially considering you've never written them before. " it's alright. i give you permission to fall behind on comments. though i especially adore yours because you're BELLA. giving you temporary permission for when you are sick i'm too sweet huh :3 xD
    YES. GANACHE. that was what i was looking for. i forgot the name there for a minute. yes. she covers everything that's chocolate in that.
    "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT 50g OF CAKE LOOKS LIKE! Seriously that's tiny, especially including frosting. It's, like, a small cupcake-worth." if there was anyone in the world who'd understand how 50g of cake looks like, it would've been you <3.

    why are you showing me cake porn
    the second one i'd have to admit looked absolutely delicious
    i can actually taste how rich the second one would be [based on your comment of how a tiny piece suffices. I CAN TELL.]

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. i love you too <3 i hope you're doing so much more better.

  12. I hope you get better soon! Chest infection sounds like no fun! Hugs!

  13. Take care of yourself as best you can dear Bells
    I am thinking of you and sending love your way x

  14. Ah how awful dearest Bella <3 Here's to hoping that you've improved a lot since writing this post :( Much love beautiful xx

  15. i love you and you mean a lot to me.

    here i hope this made you happy like it made me happy.

    -Sam Lupin