Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Level Up

So, today's my 21st.

I tend to find birthdays pretty depressing by nature - same as Christmas and New Years. I never expect it to hit me so hard, but in the week or two prior my mood plummets. Kind of like a 'what the fuck am I doing with my life?' thing.

I wrote a wall of text about how much things have changed over the last five years, what life used to be like, where I thought I'd be by now... that sorta stuff, but it was too distressing to see written down. I spent hours yesterday crying to mum about anything and everything. It's all so overwhelming, life in general, I'd rather just bury my head in the sand and try to block it all out.

I'm not doing anything particularly special today. Mum asked me to think about going out for lunch or something, but I really didn't want to. Anxiety and sickness aside, cafe and restaurant food is always so disappointing. I'd rather have homemade and make things exactly how I like them. I didn't get out of the house at all this month, but oh well. There's a piece of lamb in the slow-cooker and potatoes roasting in the oven, and I might see how a glass or two of Shiraz goes with my icky stomach.

I exercised for two hours on Monday, step aerobics and Wii boxing. I figured; I already wake up sweaty and gross, so why not? It'd been a week since I'd last exercised, and it was getting to me. I started with the intention of just doing half an hour, but I can't do just a little exercise. If I exercise, it needs to be for at least an hour of two. It's all or nothing. It's been weeks since my last 3hr+ day and the guilt just keeps building and building.

GP tomorrow, thankfully. Yesterday was totally fucked and today hasn't been much better. Aside from the depression, I'm getting really bad pains in my back (lungs?) whenever I cough like I haven't had since I was in hospital, and I'm coughing near-constantly. Coupled with a killer headache, fever, crazy BP readings and all that, I've achieved literally nothing for the last two days. I've barely even looked at my phone, barely been able to move off the couch. Billy and Misty have been keeping me company though - my furbabies always know when I'm not well. 

Mum got me a ghd hair straightener! Excuse my crazy-bitch face scratches. I've been pretty good at keeping self-harm away from my face recently, but this weekend...

Mum's birthday is exactly a week after mine, so this year I just made a shared birthday cake. Last year I made two and it was hellish. It's similar to the one I made at Christmas - three layers of chocolate cake, sandwiched with buttercream, coated in ganache. I haven't had a chance to try it yet. I took one tiny bite earlier when mum had a slice, and it set off another coughing fit before I could even swallow it, and then I was too nauseated to even think about trying it. Sigh. 



  1. Happy Birthday dear sweet Bells
    I would love to send you a card, will you email me your address please?
    I know we don't feel like celebrating when we are ill but try and so something nice for yourself
    Treat yourself just for today
    I hope you can enjoy your day

    All my love sweetheart x

  2. (Kind of like a 'what the fuck am I doing with my life?' thing.) ah. that kind is the worst. unfortunately. there's never an answer to that. then again, what is anyone doing with their life? just living it really. that's all you can do.
    i'm sorry today is going by so lividly. i truly am. if there is anyone in my life i want to be happy, it would be you.
    "If I exercise, it needs to be for at least an hour of two" oh honey. i'm sorry to hear this. unfortunately, it is all or nothing when it comes to EDs. either none of the food, or eating all of it. either not exercising or doing a full on 3 hour marathon and wondering if that was enough.
    i'm so sorry about how sick you've been as well. it is so awful. :(
    you do not have to achieve anything, my love. that is the thing. nobody expects anything out of anyone as much as people expect things from themselves.
    i'll hurt you for using the word "flab". it is non-existent and in your head and you know that i am right. you can't see it but i can. you are very, very, very, very thin.
    :( honey, self-harming is not invited to this party.
    why are you showing me chocolate porn? i just went on all ban of dairy today. for good reason as well: i can't consume a little without eating a lot.
    i'm sorry about the coughing thing with the cake. i hope you're feeling better now. i love you, Bella and i'm sorry that even on your day, you can't really have your cake and eat it (literally).

    -Sam Lupin

  3. happy birthday darling.. you are loved my dear, take each day at a time and I promise you it wont always feel this way. I am hoping for you and praying that things get better.

    <3 Rayya xx

  4. Oh honey.. Happy birthday.. I hope next year when your birthday comes, that you have a complete different experience.. *hugs*

  5. Happy Birthday Beautiful Bella! I know you may not feel like this but you're such a ray of sunshine in the lives of your blogger friends! We love you so much! And it makes me really happy every time you post. I love reading from you! I hope you get better soon - it'll be much easier to try and enjoy life without all the coughing and wheezing and pains that go along with a chest infection. The cake looks yummy! Save a piece and try it when you're feeling better! Hugs!!

  6. oh. oh. oh. oh.
    i am not raisins. i am something stupid [i.e. "sourdough bread"].

    -Sam Lupin

  7. Happy Birthday dear! Sorry it was clouded by the cries, but it's another year that you're here and that's awesome. Sometimes homecooked things are better than going out. Lamb and potatoes sound pretty yummy. I hope you start feeling better physically. Love you dear, take care!!

  8. meow. happy new year. (or traditionally, happpy birthday.)
    d.i.y. always makes things less complicated. getting other people involved is a recipe for disaster. lamb is one of those things i was intrigued by before i became a vegan but could never bring myself to eat. and now i guess the window of opportunity is closed. also, that cake looks so amazing.

    :) <3 have fun today. play with fire. (you know you want to.) take care, girl, and congrats xx

  9. Happy 21st, love! My goodness, you're just a young thing... okay, that sounds weird, considering my current situation, but keep in mind, there's a lot of room for growth and change in your 20s. I get the Grims around birthdays as well, 30 next year is going to be hell...
    Each year I say that, but... well, things get better.

    Blah. I'm sure you hear that a lot. I'll shake my walking stick elsewhere now.
    Enjoy your Syrah... in fact, you should enjoy it ALL. I find there's nothing like a good drunk to burn an illness out of me, if you're going to be exhausted, achy, and head-sore the next day, why not add a hangover into the mix, eh? Of course, I'm a confirmed alcoholic, drunk now, in fact, and this is probably TERRIBLE advice...

    Suffice to say, love you so, so much, even though I am a terrible friend when it comes to commenting... and I hope you had a most Tolerable Birthday, because saying "Happy Birthday" just seems wrong when you're down in the Grims.
    You darling, precious thing! Keep up the good fight!

  10. I love you I'm sorry I'm being so shit at keeping up with blogs, I'm at the computer room now so I'll catch up, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and don't you forget it :P xx