That rip current that gushes backward and pulls you further out to sea. If you try to swim against it, it exhausts you until you eventually run out of energy and drown.
I don't want to fight it anymore. I am so tired, so overwhelmed, it hurts. Why? What is the point?
I feel like this big black hole of negativity, sucking in and destroying everything around me. A waste. A waste of food, a waste of space, time, money, oxygen. I just want to hide, from everything. I don't know what to do anymore.
I've been slowly working my way through a heap of ED docos and movies. I was watching Perfect Illusions yesterday, and at a few points they talk about how eating disorders are by nature a coping mechanism, that they mask a lot of problems. You depend on it more and more until it's how you cope with everything. Then when you take it away - the way that you think, the way you deal with things, the only thing you know - you don't know what's gonna be there when you take all that away. You don't know what's underneath, deep down, and it's a terrifying prospect. And it's true. The only thing that terrifies me more than gaining weight, than eating - or more to the point, part of the reason I fear it - is facing what's underneath.
I got a message from my piercer last week, inviting me to come help set up the new studio and jewelry displays before they open, to get me out of the house if I feel up to it. Which is pretty cool. When she asked mid-piercing what I was doing these days, I was blunt and told her that it was only the fourth time I'd gone out this year, that I've been basically housebound for the last few years. I feel so guilty about dropping off the radar for so long, from everyone, but I'm starting to learn that doesn't mean they all hate me for it.
I don't know. Maybe. I said I'll see how I go, but it really depends on how I feel on the day. It'd be a good opportunity to catch up with both of my piercers, because we all know I'm not about to venture into a busy studio anytime soon, but I really don't know if I'll be able to or not. We'll see what happens.
I was actually supposed to be meeting the Mental Health Nurse on Wednesday, but apparently that's been rescheduled for mid-May instead, not that I'm complaining. Funnily enough, within a few days I got a letter saying The Lung Doctor Man has also rescheduled my next check up, from mid-May to June. I still can't bring myself to quit smoking when my depression's so strong, and I still don't know how to explain that to him. I've actually had to use my puffer four times in the last two weeks (more than I've used it in a whole year - usually I just use a preventer puffer twice daily) because I've gotten into uncontrollable, breathless coughing fits. Whoops.
Apologies for such a disjointed post, again. I'm a broken record, I know, I'm sorry. You guys are all amazing, I'd have totally lost it by now if it weren't for our little blogosphere.
I feel like I'm slowly slipping away. And I don't want to fight it anymore.
Just let it carry me out to sea.