That rip current that gushes backward and pulls you further out to sea. If you try to swim against it, it exhausts you until you eventually run out of energy and drown.
I don't want to fight it anymore. I am so tired, so overwhelmed, it hurts. Why? What is the point?
I feel like this big black hole of negativity, sucking in and destroying everything around me. A waste. A waste of food, a waste of space, time, money, oxygen. I just want to hide, from everything. I don't know what to do anymore.
I've been slowly working my way through a heap of ED docos and movies. I was watching Perfect Illusions yesterday, and at a few points they talk about how eating disorders are by nature a coping mechanism, that they mask a lot of problems. You depend on it more and more until it's how you cope with everything. Then when you take it away - the way that you think, the way you deal with things, the only thing you know - you don't know what's gonna be there when you take all that away. You don't know what's underneath, deep down, and it's a terrifying prospect. And it's true. The only thing that terrifies me more than gaining weight, than eating - or more to the point, part of the reason I fear it - is facing what's underneath.
I got a message from my piercer last week, inviting me to come help set up the new studio and jewelry displays before they open, to get me out of the house if I feel up to it. Which is pretty cool. When she asked mid-piercing what I was doing these days, I was blunt and told her that it was only the fourth time I'd gone out this year, that I've been basically housebound for the last few years. I feel so guilty about dropping off the radar for so long, from everyone, but I'm starting to learn that doesn't mean they all hate me for it.
I don't know. Maybe. I said I'll see how I go, but it really depends on how I feel on the day. It'd be a good opportunity to catch up with both of my piercers, because we all know I'm not about to venture into a busy studio anytime soon, but I really don't know if I'll be able to or not. We'll see what happens.
I was actually supposed to be meeting the Mental Health Nurse on Wednesday, but apparently that's been rescheduled for mid-May instead, not that I'm complaining. Funnily enough, within a few days I got a letter saying The Lung Doctor Man has also rescheduled my next check up, from mid-May to June. I still can't bring myself to quit smoking when my depression's so strong, and I still don't know how to explain that to him. I've actually had to use my puffer four times in the last two weeks (more than I've used it in a whole year - usually I just use a preventer puffer twice daily) because I've gotten into uncontrollable, breathless coughing fits. Whoops.
Apologies for such a disjointed post, again. I'm a broken record, I know, I'm sorry. You guys are all amazing, I'd have totally lost it by now if it weren't for our little blogosphere.
I feel like I'm slowly slipping away. And I don't want to fight it anymore.
Just let it carry me out to sea.
xxBella
i'm so sorry. the minute i read the first paragraph, i just felt my stomach drop. you're honestly too lovely for any kind of negativity. and by the way, although you probably know it somewhere in your head, lovely, you're not a waste of anything.
ReplyDeleteah, there's this quote from Hugo that comes to mind whenever someone says they feel like a waste of space. ("Hugo Cabret - I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too.") there we go. when i heard that quote, it honestly changed my perspective on people. i think of the world as a big machine now too.
i'm sorry about how uncertain and tired you sound like. honestly, it is so understandable and i'm sorry you feel that way. you honestly don't deserve any pain. nobody ever does. in my opinion and i think i've mentioned this before, if not - everyone deserves happiness but nobody deserves pain.
interesting prospect. i do not know how to strip the obsessions from me. if it's not eating, it's studying. if it's not studying, it's writing. i think there is no underneath for me. i think i am just one big ball of obsession and regardless of what that obsession is, it's going to be there. something has to be there for me to fixate and analyse and pick apart and dump all my self-worth in i suppose.
i hope you'll be able to. i'm wishing you luck on that and in life, Bella. your life is precious to me. i hope that makes you feel a bit better, if not the tiniest bit. sometimes, talking about something and someone responding and ensuring that they are listening is the best kind of medicine there is (in my opinion at least, when S. used to listen to me, it just...made everything tolerable i suppose. it changes your perspective when you realise there are people like her in this world. i've gained so much hope that i cannot let decay.)
darling. *shakes head* i hope that you get a lid on things soon. in the way that you want them to, of course. sometimes, fighting with the tide is the worst thing to do. sometimes, the current actually takes you to places where you don't even realise you can see.
i don't know what this comment is about, just that i really hope you feel better and oh, we are all broken records. in fact, if i remember the last few conversations i've had with people, they've said the exact same thing. Ellie was telling me she had to restrict (and she keeps on binging), and this will happen unless she decides to fix her restricting obsession. i've been noting that yet again i eat my body weight in food after i restrict myself and that i need to find some sort of consistency if i want to lose an ounce of weight. my friend has been telling me she's been procrastinating and that's been happening for the last four years. most people i know say the same thing all the time, that doesn't make their company or their value anymore less than it is. i still enjoy their presence. just a thought, my dear.
i love you.
take care of yourself, Bella. you are and will be in my thoughts.
also, you're one of the most loveliest people i've ever met. and i only wish good things for you in the future.
-Sam Lupin
Hello Bella,
ReplyDeletefollowing you now too. Thank you for dropping by my blog <3
So sorry to read that you are feeling so tired =/ and that you've been housebound for so long :/ If you can get yourself out and go to the shop I think you would find it a good thing. I feel that starting things, whatever they might be, is always the hardest. Once you've gotten started though it usually isn't nearly as hard as you expected it to be, and is often even very rewarding. I'm going to read through your old posts and try to get caught up.
You're in my thoughts, and I really hope things turn around for you.
Hello dear Bella,
ReplyDeleteI can relate so much
Do you remember the story about King Midas?
Everything he touched turned to gold
I feel like the opposite
That everything I touch turns to shit
Anyway
Bells, you are not what your ed would have you believe
You are not a waste of space
Quite the opposite
There would be a Bella shaped hole in the world if you were not here
And how lovely of your piercer to invite you along
Just do what you can do
Take care of your lovely self Bells
I love you x
Sounds like that setting up shop thing would be fun!
ReplyDeletePlease stay with us <3 You're so lovely and I love reading your posts, just as an assurance that you're still alive, still with us. And your comments on my blog always make my day <3
Don't drift out to sea, I'd fucking miss you. :(
ReplyDeleteThat said, GO. Totally go to the job, I believe in you & think you'd have a blast, and it's really empowering, getting that momentum rolling, by impressing yourself by doing something you were half-convinced that you couldn't. It's terrifying and awesome. DO IT.
If you can, of course... we will love you dearly either way, sugarbeet.
keep fighting the current, bella. go help your piercer set up at the new place. take advantage of the opportunities you stumble upon. don't slip away. you're such a lovely person. do what makes you happy. you deserve to be happy. love you, friend. take care of yourself xx
ReplyDeleteSometimes you have to rest so that you can get the strength up to pick up the fight again. Just keep an eye on the shoreline, love.
ReplyDeleteAww Bella, I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. Although it sounds like you're depressed... it doesn't sound like you feel hopeless. That's a big deal! It seems like there's just a tiny blossom of hope just trying to bloom. Don't give up. Don't stop swimming. You have such a beautiful spirit. A spirit that has been broken and feels defeated but I encourage you to keep pushing through it. Push though the bad days. If you can't have a good day, focus on the good moments. Eventually there will be too many good days to shadow the bad ones. Keep pushing love, don't slip away from us. <3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteIt's absolutely true. I have had multiple identity crises because I was my trauma. I was my coping mechanisms. I had never been me minus them and there was only a general idea underneath. My advice is to build underneath and shed it over time. It's easier than being naked right away. At least you have time to grow. It's hard. Very hard actually, but doable.
ReplyDeleteGet out of the house girl! That's so awesome they want you to do this! I say do it!
Thinking of you and saying a prayer. Don't forget how.much I love you.
Oh Bella. I'm so sorry that you feel like this, and I wish more than anything that I could make you feel better. I understand how draining it is. It's scary and overwhelming, and I completely understand - how your mental health slowly starts unravelling you, picking you apart bit by bit. You are entitled to be infinitely happy. You're such a beautiful and wonderful soul and you deserve to have nothing but positivity in your life. You are most definitely not a waste of anything. You are a being of light. You are here. You have a purpose. Honestly, you have been so supportive of me the entire duration of time since I made my blog. If it weren't for you and your kind comments on my posts to brighten my day, I would be in a far worse situation than I am now. You're such a beautiful person who is trapped in a terrifying vortex of self-destruction. And I'm sorry that I haven't been around much or commented, I haven't had much access to a computer but I do now. I just want you to know that if you ever need to talk to someone - about anything, even if it's something random to get your mind off things, you can always email me at juniper.rogers@gmail.com - I'm thinking of you and I'll send you good vibes. I love you and all the best. xx
ReplyDeletehttp://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dBMHfF3CxiU/URkTDPSC3FI/AAAAAAAAD3g/jl9KsFygFYM/s1600/sweet+as+sucrose.jpg
ReplyDeletei love you.
-Sam Lupin
shhhhhhhhhhhh i only respond to your comments (don't tell anyone else)
ReplyDeleteunfortunately, it's more like a few fat months. i think a lot of it is from the pressure of S. leaving, resulting into a lot of restrictive methods to get down to a certain weight. for me, if i restrict past a certain point, then overeating (never binging) is inevitable and i do tend to overeat nearly as much as i try to restrict. and i'm still caught in that cycle, with a few days in which i actually do eat properly. it's just it's that mind set of "if the weight doesn't drop quickly, then i have to do something to make it drop quickly" that has been there with S., the pressure of 'must get under the 60 mark in the shortest span of time' and get that over with is still quite intact even though i have no S. at the moment. if that makes any sense. the problem is rather than "this is not my default for eating" is that i've cone to the point where i have no default for eating. eating a normal calorie amount, eating less, and eating so much more is a default at the moment and that's the big problem. i've laughed when you said that you love picturing how many grams of rice i've had. you're too lovely. and i'm giggling at you agreeing to the petite poetry challenge that i've set myself up with. and do not ever think you are lacking in words. every word you say i do treasure, and i love you too.
-Sam Lupin