After three appointments, things actually seem to be going well with the new psychologist.
She wants to focus on learning healthy coping mechanisms and how to deal with crises and breakdowns. I told her about a breakdown I had a few weeks ago, which was particularly bad.
I'd asked mum again about doing family therapy, to deal with abuse I experienced as a child. She refused. I tried to explain that it's not about anger or blame, but because I don't want to feel this way anymore. I've always felt like she knew it was going on, and even when she says she didn't, it's hard for me to understand. In my mind, one plus one does not equal two, and I want to work through it together with a professional.
She said it was 'emotional manipulation' (which the psych disagreed with), and that it was against the terms of the intervention order she has (which it's not). By the end of it, she called the police because I was hysterical, hiding in my room, screaming and bashing my head against the wall. They seemed to agree with my psych, because when they got here, nothing happened. I sat against the door to keep them out. They knocked once, I didn't answer, then left without approaching me again – presumably after talking to mum. What a waste of our precious emergency services' time.
Talking to my psych about it, she asked if I thought there was any way she'd be open to family therapy. I told her that mum said she would if a professional asked her to. The psych said she would facilitate it, and thought it would be a good idea, to which I agreed.
She's worked with families on similar cases before. She said she'd talk to her supervisor to get advice, and after a few more sessions, will ask mum to come in.
I'm scared about what will happen, but it's something I've been asking for for years. But what will it be like when we leave the appointment and come home?
We also spoke about how my dad died when I was 3, from a brain tumor. She asked if I ever thought of how life would be different if he hadn't died. I laughed. In my mind, it's always been the start of a chain of events. If he hadn't died, I wouldn't have been abused as a child (or I would've been protected, or maybe he would've realised what was going on), which wouldn't have led to me being susceptible to an abuse relationship at 14/15, and I wouldn't have ended up with the mental health issues I have now.
When I'm talking to her, so much makes sense, and gives me a sense of clarity, but I never remember everything she says that give me that feeling once I leave. Maybe I should start taking notes too.
My GP has still been walking me to the appointments. This time, the psych came on the walk home, as a transistion to her starting to walk me to and from. My GP told me that my last blood test was very low in vitamin D. It's supposed to be over 50, and mine is currently under 20, and I need to start taking supplments. I never go outside further than the back porch unless I'm going to appointments.
The problem is, I have a lot of trouble taking supplements. I'm going to talk to my dietician about it, but I don't think it'll help at all. I don't know if that's something you guys can relate to or not, but I really struggle to do anything good for my health. It's like passive self-harm in a way. It's the same reason I can't quit smoking despite having COPD and bronchilotis obliterans, and actually try to smoke as much as I can, even though (or because) I know it will slowly kill me.
As it'll be after Christmas or New Year by the next time I post, I'd just like to wish you all a happy Christmas. I know the holidays are tough for a lot of us, for various reasons, but I hope you all make it through okay.