"How are things going with the mental health nurse?"
"I didn't see her last week."
"Did you go yesterday?"
"I don't have another appointment."
Time seems to drag out, and she takes a deep sigh.
"We need someone like her on the team."
I can't answer.
"Is there a reason why? Is she not talking about things you can connect with? Or is she too confrontational? Is it just getting used to going somewhere new?"
I am tired. I don't want to talk about it any more. It's an effort to force each word out.
"It's either talking about nothing, or being told mum's tired of me. I leave each appointment more upset than I started and it's just not worth it."
She was going to call the MHN to talk about it, and asked me to make another appointment. She thinks we should talk more about what she meant. I really, really don't want to talk to her about it. I can't.
My GP still thinks she's 'the one' for me, but I'm not so sure.
She took my blood pressure three times, waiting for the machine to 'warm up'. I hate the way she's angled the screen away. She tells me about a dress she needs to replicate for her daughter. It's been a month and I still haven't researched patterns.
"Have you been properly hydrating yourself?"
I said I was pretty sure.
I didn't say I'd already had a 1.5L by our 9am appointment.
Then the subjects of meds came up.
"What could I ideally do for you with meds? Not specifics, but I want you to have a think about it for your next appointment."
I don't want to be on meds that don't have an effect (e.g, Gabapentin, Useless Antidepressant #2). Seroquel and Lorazepam had an obvious effect when I started, but no antidepressant has. Maybe we should start from scratch with a clean slate. I don't know. I want antidepressants, but I also don't really believe they can help any more.
But I did blurt out that I need something to help me sleep, and more-seroquel-less-mirtazapine wasn't doing the job. I told her how, some years ago, I was on Temazepam up until they made me hallucinate, and I never touched them again. I wasn't too keen on trying them again, but she seemed to think it was the best option.
"Did you think about what we talked about last time, with the house?"
"It doesn't help."
"I thought maybe you could sew-convert the house."
"It doesn't help."
Keep calm. Don't scream. It's nearly insulting that she thins a few cushions and new curtains will help at all.
"And mum's offer of moving is too scary?"
Yes. She has offered, several times, to sell the house and move. No, I don't want to.
"You know, if it was coming up, we'd be able to support you with it..."
Silence. I'm so tired of talking.
"I just want to get you out of that house... I really don't like it, from the stories I've heard..."
There's an awkward silence in the air when I get home after appointments. Mum will sometimes ask a couple of questions. I am quiet. I don't want to talk any more. I'm exhausted and stressed and I just want to hide away in the darkness and silence.
I didn't tell mum I needed antibiotics or temazepam or another appointment with the MHN.
But her office called the next day to make an appointment, presumably after my GP talked to her. I really don't want to see her again. Mum answers and checks with me, saying she wants both of us there.
It's not happening.
Both scripts sat on the floor of the car for days. Until yesterday, desperate for sleep, when I asked mum to please get them filled.
I can't say I really wanted to try the temazepam again after my last experience. I was hesitant, to say the least. But with my sleep lately, I didn't have much choice. I've been waking every 2-3 hours, with my mind running in dreams and nightmares even when I do get to sleep.
Both my GP and the chemist said to try half a tablet first, but my GP wasn't sure if they'd cut. The pills were tiny, so I took a whole 10mg at dinner time.
Thankfully, I made it through the night without side effects, but still waking every 2-3 hours. Still up at 4am.
I'm going to try another one tonight and see how it goes. Today has been hell, at the worst point mum threatening/offering/begging to drive me to hospital. It has not been good. I just want to sleep.