Monday, 29 June 2015

More Meds

I had my routine appointment with my GP last week, and it didn't take long for her to ask the dreaded question.
     "How are things going with the mental health nurse?"
     "I didn't see her last week."
     "Did you go yesterday?"
     "I don't have another appointment."

Time seems to drag out, and she takes a deep sigh.
     "We need someone like her on the team."
I can't answer.
     "Is there a reason why? Is she not talking about things you can connect with? Or is she too confrontational? Is it just getting used to going somewhere new?"

I am tired. I don't want to talk about it any more. It's an effort to force each word out.
     "It's either talking about nothing, or being told mum's tired of me. I leave each appointment more upset than I started and it's just not worth it."

She was going to call the MHN to talk about it, and asked me to make another appointment. She thinks we should talk more about what she meant. I really, really don't want to talk to her about it. I can't.

My GP still thinks she's 'the one' for me, but I'm not so sure.

She took my blood pressure three times, waiting for the machine to 'warm up'. I hate the way she's angled the screen away. She tells me about a dress she needs to replicate for her daughter. It's been a month and I still haven't researched patterns.

     "Have you been properly hydrating yourself?"
I said I was pretty sure.
I didn't say I'd already had a 1.5L by our 9am appointment.

Then the subjects of meds came up.
     "What could I ideally do for you with meds? Not specifics, but I want you to have a think about it for your next appointment."

That's easy.
I don't want to be on meds that don't have an effect (e.g, Gabapentin, Useless Antidepressant #2). Seroquel and Lorazepam had an obvious effect when I started, but no antidepressant has. Maybe we should start from scratch with a clean slate. I don't know. I want antidepressants, but I also don't really believe they can help any more.

But I did blurt out that I need something to help me sleep, and more-seroquel-less-mirtazapine wasn't doing the job. I told her how, some years ago, I was on Temazepam up until they made me hallucinate, and I never touched them again. I wasn't too keen on trying them again, but she seemed to think it was the best option.

     "Did you think about what we talked about last time, with the house?"
    "It doesn't help."
     "I thought maybe you could sew-convert the house."
     "It doesn't help."
Keep calm. Don't scream. It's nearly insulting that she thins a few cushions and new curtains will help at all.

     "And mum's offer of moving is too scary?"
Yes. She has offered, several times, to sell the house and move. No, I don't want to.
     "You know, if it was coming up, we'd be able to support you with it..."
Silence. I'm so tired of talking.
     "I just want to get you out of that house... I really don't like it, from the stories I've heard..."

There's an awkward silence in the air when I get home after appointments. Mum will sometimes ask a couple of questions. I am quiet. I don't want to talk any more. I'm exhausted and stressed and I just want to hide away in the darkness and silence. 

I didn't tell mum I needed antibiotics or temazepam or another appointment with the MHN. 

But her office called the next day to make an appointment, presumably after my GP talked to her. I really don't want to see her again. Mum answers and checks with me, saying she wants both of us there. 
It's not happening. 

Both scripts sat on the floor of the car for days. Until yesterday, desperate for sleep, when I asked mum to please get them filled. 

I can't say I really wanted to try the temazepam again after my last experience. I was hesitant, to say the least. But with my sleep lately, I didn't have much choice. I've been waking every 2-3 hours, with my mind running in dreams and nightmares even when I do get to sleep. 

Both my GP and the chemist said to try half a tablet first, but my GP wasn't sure if they'd cut. The pills were tiny, so I took a whole 10mg at dinner time. 

Thankfully, I made it through the night without side effects, but still waking every 2-3 hours. Still up at 4am. 
Well. Shit. 

I'm going to try another one tonight and see how it goes. Today has been hell, at the worst point mum threatening/offering/begging to drive me to hospital. It has not been good. I just want to sleep. 



  1. It's not easy Bella
    God knows it's not one bit easy
    You know
    I've been thinking recently about what helped me get out of the fog I was in
    And it was a combination of things
    All the little things that slotted in to place at the right time
    My dogs
    All my supports coming together to form a resistance against my ED
    Bella you are stuck
    Really stuck
    I hope you don't mind me saying that
    All I can do is promise you that if you let yourself have a glimpse of what your life could be life
    How wonderful things could be
    If you could just see that little chink of light in the corner of all this darkness that surrounds you
    You deserve a better life Bella
    The life you are living now is not a life
    It makes me so sad that you are so unhappy
    I will never give up on you Bells
    I am always going to be here to remind you that things can and will get better

    All my love x

  2. you know that i always have this thing about titles. for some reason, all i can think of when i was reading the title (and you can hate me for this) is MOAR MEDS

    before i even read the post, i want to say that i've noticed that you've been updating more often. i think partly because you have so much shit going on at the moment. that or you've always been updating at this frequency but i'm not that attentive to have caught on it.

    honestly, i can imagine. after all this shit, i'd want to sleep for a month. seriously. it sounds so exhausting and i'm only hearing about it. you already have your own mental demons to deal with, so you really don't need this whole sort of shit coming at you consistently. i swear it's like the more you think 'oh, there's no way that more shit is going to happen', it does. screw this.

    i think that the GP shouldn't be matchmaking.

    ouch. that's low, but honestly, i'm not surprised that you are hypotensive. i know a tonne of people that have that BP around here though. half the people here are naturally hypotensive (like yours truly) and the other half are naturally hypertensive. i know that my maids always have incredibly low BP's. i remember i believe that my grandfather was wheeled into the hospital, with a hypertensive crisis and when they checked his BP, it was technically 'normal' but for him, it was way off the charts. thankfully, he is ok atm.

    "Keep calm. Don't scream. It's nearly insulting that she thins a few cushions and new curtains will help at all." God, i was actually internally screaming with you. this sort of advice makes me want to take someone by their shoulders, shake them consistently and yell profanities at them. to them, it's 'you don't know unless you try' and in my head, it's 'i know. don't you think i know myself? i know that this will do absolutely nothing.' sometimes i take on their advice just to show them that it does nothing or it did nothing at all! >_< it's my only way of knowing how to shut them up from giving useless advice.

    oh my God, you know i had one of those counsellors that tried to treat the symptoms of being depressed (i.e. sleeping and eating problems) rather than the actual problem itself? fun stuff. and your GP is starting to sound like my counsellor. you know it's funny when someone that's supposed to help actually makes things harder/worse, so there's that.


    what the hell happened to the whole 'yeah, i get to choose if i want to see someone or not?'

    Gosh, i feel for you, Bella. i really do. this is already hard enough without you feeling the whole sleep thing. one of the things that people can't mess with is my sleep cycle. if my sleep cycle is disrupted, i don't know what the hell i'd do. fortunately, i am one of those people when i am terribly sad, i actually sleep way more. the days are already long enough without this sort of crap. i mean it sounds torturous really - you wake up, want the day to end, but it never does? that's cruel.

    i'm thinking of you, Bella. hoping you get some quality sleep soon. <3 half hoping you'd get the crash/burn thing where you start to sleep for 17+ hours a while afterwards so your body can catch up on the sleep.

    keeping my fingers crossed about this drug. i'm not happy you're taking it but i'm hoping nothing terrible happens.

    -Sam Lupin

  3. I feel it's crunch time.
    I think something will have to give.
    Your mum does want you to get well. I'm sure she does. I guess though she can't be an 'enabler' and I guess that's a fine line for a carer and mum to navigate. She may have gotten advice.

    I think the harping on about the changing of the decor reminds me of something I have heard in my experience. Someone said to me, "do something, do anything but don't do nothing". I guess it's a layman's term for that ghandi quote which I read here recently from another blogger ("it doesn't matter what you do as long as you do it" or words to that effect). Kind of like yolo being a "carpe diem" for your non latin speaking man on the street....oh I'm waffling!

    The point is, don't worry if it's pointless. Just do something, even if it won't do any good. I'm not saying it's a good idea, it is a bit twee...but it's an idea. Though I think you already DO quite a lot, with the beautiful sewing projects and gifts and whatnot. Maybe this GP thinks if you change your surrounds it might break the cycle. ?

    Can you just cut n paste a few blog entries give them to the MHN to read?

    I know she annoys you and I agree. She's annoying. If you can just get past the offensive bits she may have some nuggets of wisdom. I hope she knows something. She's a specialist. She must know something?! I tell myself things like " as long as I'm getting what I need I don't care if I like you or not".

    I'm only guessing. But I am getting a strong sense something will change soon.

    I sincerely hope you are .... OK

    Xoxo xoxo shelby

  4. I think you need an assertive person like the mental health nurse in your corner. Once you connect with those kinds of people they fight hard to get you what you need. I know she doesn't seem appealing after all that but seriously, those people fight hard when they care about their clients. Think about it. Good luck with the meds.

  5. ^I was actually going to suggest the same as Nice One, maybe letting her read your blog entries will help, and it might be less stressful than trying to verbally explain your feelings. The more information she has, the more she can do for you, and she might be able to help get you out of this rut.

    My sleeping patterns sound much like yours. Have you talked to your doctor about possibly trying regular over the counter sleep aids? I tried every prescription sleep medicine under the sun and none of them helped (and I had insane hallucinations and night terrors with most of them). Now I take diphenhydramine every night and I sleep pretty well. It's an antihistamine and most people use it for allergies, but it knocks me right the feck out, and no groggy hangover feeling in the morning.

    Hope things work out with your meds and your drs. xo

  6. Oh love, I wish there was something comforting that I could say. Your coments on my blog are always so sweet.
    I am glad that your Mom seems to be trying to help, as much as you dont want her to. I understand your reluctance after what the MHN said and your Mom opting out of appointments, you must feel so lost. You need someone who can help you to stand up for yourself, or stand up for you.
    Anytime you need to talk I am here, catch me on FB or email or anyway you need. Much love