Tomorrow, my GP is picking me up to take me for a 4pm appointment to meet this new psychologist. I can't say I'm looking forward to it. I've managed years without a psych, and I'm kind of scared of the power they hold, but after putting it off for so long, my GP isn't giving me much choice in the matter.
Then, I've got to go into town for 5:30 to get my tongue web piercing taken out. My piercers are amazing, and I messaged one of them the other day letting them know I'd be in, and asking what times she or her husband would be around so I wasn't just dealing with strangers. She's amazing, and is going to make sure one of them will be in, even though their trainees could probably manage it.
I'm nervous about going into the heart of town, but since my GP couldn't get it out and I really need this MRI done (due to the seizures, synthetics and head-banging), I've not much choice.
Friday, I'll be up early to take extra meds in preparation for an 8am MRI. Cue 30-90 minutes of being in a confined space with loud noises banging around.
Then, the next day, I've got to go back into town to get my piercing put back in. Since it's one of the few times I'll have to go into town (whenever I've gone for dinner in town, mum or brother drop me at the door and escort me in while the other finds a carpark), I'm going to get a new piercing while I'm there, so keep an eye out for that!
I also ended up having a visitor on Monday, which doesn't happen often. Since letting Him (the abusive ex) into the house, I don't let people in the house very much anymore.
I was having a hard day, and had taken the entirety of the next day's meds when I had my night meds, and cracked a bottle of red. By the end of the night, I'd gone through a bottle and a half. I wanted to knock myself out so I wouldn't do anything stupid.
Not long after I started drinking, I got a message from A, asking if I wanted to catch up. Apart from R, he's pretty much the only other person I've socialized with in the past 4+ years.
I snuck out with him back in December, when I first met him. I don't think I ever fully wrote about it. Basically, we were friends on FB, and one night he drove down to Geelong and I hopped the back fence. Didn't tell anyone at the time (smart, right?). We went back to Melbourne and drank, played pool, heck, I even went to a strip club for the first time in my life. It was during a manic episode, and probably not the best choice, but hey. When he drove me home, he ended up crashing here before the long drive back, and witnessed me having a seizure (but didn't get help until I came out of it and he told me what had happened).
Now is probably a good time to mention, I am desperately lonely, pathetic as it may sound. Especially after seeing R the other week, then crashing back to the reality of loneliness... It's a stark and painful contrast.
Like I mentioned, I wasn't feeling very stable, and felt I'd end up ODing and SHing, so I figured having someone around to 'babysit' would help prevent disaster.
I didn't want to get stuck in a situation that I didn't want to be in, so I put on my big girl boots and told him there'd be no messing around, that my head's not in a good place, as a sort of caveat before he'd even gotten in the car. He agreed, and stuck to it.
He even brought me a box of chocolates, which was lovely. I don't think I've ever been given chocolate or flowers before.
And as a final note, I've officially been off synthetics for over a month. I never thought I'd be able to, but last month's episodes (posted about here, with follow-up here) really rocked me to the core. 'Sobriety' mightn't be the right word, as I've still smoked the natural stuff, but really, it doesn't bother me that much. I can manage it - synthetics just fucked me up.
I want to do something to celebrate this milestone that I never thought I'd reach. I'm thinking of going out to dinner with the family this weekend, but I'm just not sure where. I want to go for Japanese as it's my safest option, but the last time we went to our usual spot, I ended up seeing Him sat across the room having dinner. Obviously, I have no intention of ever going to that restaurant ever again.
I've only been into town once since - again, dropped at the door for dinner. Especially since I've got to go into town twice for the whole piercing thing, I really would rather not having to go in a third time, so I might try to find somewhere further out of town.