Monday, 4 July 2016

Get Me Out of My Head

Things at home have been slowly returning to status quo after the weekend from hell.

I saw my GP a couple of days after I last posted. She was of little help. I asked if she could give me an extra PRN oxazepam, or even something different, just for a week or two while I work all of the synthetic crap out of my system, but she said to make do with what I have. Basically, keep on cutting, and they'll keep patching me up.

The nurse was lovely though. She even walked me out to the car after she finished with my dressings, since mum doesn't even come into the waiting room anymore.

Whenever I stop smoking, it hits me like a tonne of bricks just how little I have in my life. It's easy to not think about it when you smoke so much, and it's very confronting when you do have to face it.

This is probably a good time to mention - I'm doing much better this week - as far as smoking goes, at least. I haven't smoked anything but tobacco since the weekend from hell. A little over a week mightn't sound like much, but this is pretty much the longest I've gone without in years (with the exception of hospital admissions).

As it tends to happen, though, one coping mechanism is quickly replaced by others. Not only is, ED-head in overdrive, but the urges to self-harm and OD have been unbelievably strong and impulsive. Twice, while making coffee, I've ended up pouring boiling water straight from the kettle onto my hand and arm.

There is a huge urge to OD, just to get out of my head and stop feeling for a little while. There is nothing to dull my senses anymore, and I'm feeling every ounce of pain amplified. It's time like these I suppose I should be grateful for my GP's insistence on daily dispensing. There are rarely leftovers because I'm so desperate by each medication time, skipping them to stockpile is simply not an option.

Since my first OD at the age of 12, medication has been heavily supervised and generally kept hidden from me, apart from a few things like antibiotics, prednisolone and basic ibuprofen. One night, I spotted my brother's hypertension meds sitting on the bench. My head started spinning, wondering if they'd drop my blood pressure to dangerous levels. In a moment of impulsive clarity, not wanting yet another ambulance call-out, I pretty much threw them into mum's room and said she should probably hide them.
  "Otherwise, cutting won't be the worst thing to happen to me tonight."

I regretted it almost immediately. But they're gone now.

Things at home have still been very stressful though. For one, mum will no longer pick up groceries for me, and I just can't get to the supermarket anymore. I ended up making a delivery order when payday rolled around, but in the days before, knowing I couldn't get groceries, I spent the last of my food money on a four-bottle buy of wine - because we could just go through the drive-through and I didn't have to get out, and it was an easy exit from my head for a couple of hours.

Saturday was a bit of a disaster, and in the end, narrowly avoided mum calling another ambulance. I think it's safe to say I've not been the most stable of late.

It was election day, and mum made sausages for lunch. For those who don't know, it's a bit of an Aussie tradition to have sausage sizzles at voting stations - 'democracy sausages', they call them. Since I vote via post due to agoraphobia, I've never had the pleasure of joining in, and I was a bit surprised when I emerged from the lounge room to find a pan of sausages sizzling away. My mum, brother and I sat and watched the election coverage on TV as I weighed up my sausage in bread, and I decided it was the perfect excuse to crack a bottle of wine at midday.

Things were going well for a while, despite the constant tension in the house. It was only when mum started freezing the chicken tenderloins she'd bought at the butcher that morning that the shit hit the fan. Usually, she'll wrap up a few seperately for me, and I pay her back. This week, though, she wouldn't.

In my head, that equalled her obviously not wanting me to eat. And I lost it.

I went back into the kitchen and, having had a few glasses of wine (which probably makes me far too bold and fancy-free for my own good), I stuck my tongue out, picked up a piece of chicken, and rubbed it all over my tongue right in front of her.
  "That's disgusting!" she screamed "Why would you do that?!"
  "Because I hope I get fucking sick."

Things only escalated from there. That night, I was really upset over dinner, and sat outside in my armchair crying as they ate. When mum came out, I couldn't stop the tears, and so bolted inside and locked myself in the bathroom.

I kept hitting my head against the wall, which, if you don't already know, is probably my current self-harm method of choice. Mum yelled through the door, to 'stop damaging her house'. Her care for a solid wall over my head only upset me more, and I kept banging, banging, banging. After a while, my negative self-talk mantras turned to a stutter. My head was bleeding.

Mum got worried at the stuttering, and got a knife to jimmy the lock open. When she got in, she saw the wall covered in blood splatters and smudges, and freaked out. She thought I'd cut myself, and kept demanding to see where. I was still crying hysterically, curled up in a defensive ball, and just pointed at the side of my head.

I kept telling her to leave me alone, that I'd stopped damaging her house.
  "I don't care about my house - I care about my daughter!"
But you can probably see why I didn't believe that.

After a while of back-and-forth, she helped me up and down to the couch. She gave me some of those hidden 500/30 paracetamol/codeine painkillers, and I sculled (skoled?) about a liter of Coke Zero straight from the bottle. Slept like a rock.

The next morning I awoke with a lump and a decent chunk of dried blood in my hair. Amazingly, no headache, though it's sore to the touch. I did consider trying to get an emergency appointment at my GP's clinic, but when I thought about it, it didn't seem there was much they could do besides send me for an MRI, and I've already got one coming up this month. The bleeding stopped by the time I got to the couch, so it's not like I needed stitches, either.

Now, I'm resting, and waiting to see if salmonella sets in from the raw chicken incident. In retrospect, it was a really stupid thing to do, but that self-harming part of my brain just wanted to make myself really damn sick.

I honestly don't know if I'm more stable on or off synthetics.

Also, I really wanted to say thank you to you all for your feedback on my last post.

I fully anticipated losing a couple of followers, but I think it's an important message to get out there, no matter how you may judge me. It's been too big of an issue with my mental health to just omit it or glaze over it like I did for so long. Like I said in my last post, I hope my experiences with synthetics can have a positive influence on even just one person.


My coffee splurge

 I finally bought myself a wine rack
The Bar



  1. Oh Bella
    Dear sweet Bella
    You are struggling so hard
    That is so evident reading this
    I worry for you
    I really do
    This compulsion to hurt yourself seems so strong
    And I know that feeling so well
    I used to drive my car at top speed
    Hoping I would crash
    I am so glad to read you have stopped smoking synthetics
    That is amazing
    You should be so proud of yourself
    I'm sorry
    But that stuff is pure muck
    You don't need that in your life
    So I really hope you manage to stay off it

    I'm sure like a lit of readers
    I feel helpless and powerless to do anything that will ease your pain
    That's the thing about blogger
    And meeting people on line
    You can only do so much
    Write a few words
    And send love and hope their way
    So Bella
    Please try to stay safe
    I know it's futile to say that in the face of what your dealing with
    But please
    At the very least
    Just don't hurt yourself any more than you have

    I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers
    And hope that some day
    You will find the strength to pull yourself out of this
    I love you Bella
    And All this was written out of love and concern
    But I think you know that

    Thinking of you
    And sending you love, hope and courage
    Take care friend x

  2. I want you to know that I did read both posts. I don't really have any words in regards to the severity of everything, except that I hope you can pull out of this. The cutting down on synthetics deserves a mention too, and I'm proud of you for that.

    I had considered extracts in coffee before you suggested it but never tried it. That night I tried almond in coffee with stevia and it was bloody awful. And no, I can't get financial help with them because even without my meagre wage, Jack earns too much for us to get free prescriptions- even though we struggle with the bills as is. I'm trying to stay out of my own head but it's damned hard, as you know.

    I love you. Sorry I don't really have any more words today. <3 xxx

  3. "She was of little help. I asked if she could give me an extra PRN oxazepam, or even something different, just for a week or two while I work all of the synthetic crap out of my system, but she said to make do with what I have. Basically, keep on cutting, and they'll keep patching me up." this infuriates me. it really does. like i said before, i really vouch for the whole increasing-your-dosage-give-you-a-sedative thing, but it seems like they're, like stated before, just avoiding the actual problem and just trying to patch up symptoms. which frustrates me. this is not going to help you any, and it's so evident that you're struggling so much and they aren't doing bollocks about it.

    aye, i think with smoking, drinking, drugs, etc - it's like... once you've cut them up, you've to sober up to... what's actually there, the thing that made you go to those things in the first place. and that's not an easy predicament for anyone, especially with how things are for you... i can't imagine how difficult it is, but as Lolita said, i hope you can pull out of this. we're vouching for you. 100%.

    as you know, i'm bloody proud of you! for doing that xxx this is a cause for celebration and it makes me very pleased to hear that.

    "As it tends to happen, though, one coping mechanism is quickly replaced by others." aye, i know what you mean with this, and i'm worried for this. do you have any other older coping mechanisms you can try that are not self-destructive? i know it's not like you can switch that part of your mind off, but it's always worth trying because i hate hate hate seeing you suffer like this. and i hate that you have to resort to harming yourself to feel any better. it should never be like that.

    i am so proud of you for doing the thing with the hypertensive medication. i know it must've been the hardest thing for you to do in that minute, and it just further infuriates me that nobody's doing anything about the issue itself. they're just managing symptoms thus far and expect you to do this all out on your own. your current regimen for meds they aren't helping dull the most of it out, as they should. which annoys me deeply.

    like i said before, i find that with a lot of people i know with issues - just changing/increasing combinations of certain antidepressants helps. and i know there was a time where the GP was all for that but now she isn't and it's annoying me. you shouldn't be feeling like this. nobody deserves this, and especially not you.

    i think i've ranted about this 3 times now. oops.

    by the way, i am happy every single day you are alive. i am very very grateful to have you around. you're pretty special.

    and i remember that day with the mum, i'm just - i'm happy i was there at lest to some degree. i hope i helped a little bit. i'm just - i'm so sorry that you had to resort to that. that it was that bad. it shouldn't ever be this bad.

    i do have to say though i am very interested in trying one of these sausage things... hmmm.

    -Sam Lupin

  4. Holy crap you've had a rough several days. I'm so sorry you're struggling with all of this. I can relate so much to the self harm mind-set. I don't often talk about it though because people who don't also struggle with it have the tendency to think I'm just totally bat-shit crazy. (I kind of am, but that's not the point) While I hate that you suffer, I'm grateful that you share it here.

    Your dog is freaking adorable.

  5. I'm so sorry that you're going through such a tough time still. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, if there's anything I can do, please reach out. Sending love and hugs xxxxxxxxx

  6. I'm terribly sorry things are still so hard right now.
    I don't know if this helps at all, but I've noticed that even when taking some days off any "mind medicine," (whether anti-depressants or whatever) I always have lots of self-harm thoughts even though I don't self-harm. Then after a few days, the thoughts seem to go away even without starting the meds again. I think it just has to do with the sudden shift in brain chemicals. So even with the struggle, it is still worth doing what you are doing and staying off synthetics. I'm so so glad you've stuck with the "detox" off of them. It may just take extra time for the brain chemicals to readjust and then the urges may lessen.
    Wishing you the best!❤️

  7. Bella, I wish I could wrap you up in a hug and make all of this stop. You are far too beautiful and gentle to be treating yourself like that. You deserve so much more than all of this abuse. Like Ruby said, that's the hard thing about meeting people online. I wish I could just fly out to Australia and spend time with you and show you how truly special you are. I'm always here.
    XOXO Katie

  8. comment reply:

    i think that's the funny thing about me.

    *sits at home all day watching and reads and follows rubbish with the most offensive, dry jokes possible*
    *goes out and talks to people in Arabic with no filter. his mates know Percy as "brutal but honest"*
    *makes racist jokes to people and tells sister, "it's okay. everyone's a little racist" to which Ginny protests and denies*
    *sister Ginny literally thinks that Percy is heartless and unemotional and is visibly surprised a the slightest show of emotions.*

    *...goes on social media*
    "i'm sorry if i offended you by saying that i love you :(*

    ^ aye. in real life, i am actually pretty ruthless. this apparently only applies if you're Asian (including Middle Easterns). i believe this is probably because every time i talk to someone that's foreign, i have to use a touch of a butterfly because there's no knowing who i'd offend. i believe after hearing 500 people say "that's sexist/that's stereotypical/that's homophobic/that's cold/that's cruel/how dare you" then it became habitual to be overly cautious to prevent a lash-out. now it's become habitual for me to do everything with the touch of a butterfly even if i know you can handle a lot more. in real life, beyond weight-related comments, i generally deflect everything else like a shield. i think the most recent irl lash-out is a relative saying that i must think so highly of myself because i'm a medical student and that i've become so arrogant. i thought that it was funny.

    somehow, put that behind a keyboard in a foriegner's hand and i will seem to find it worse than it is. which is weird!


    i still can't believe you had a Haemophilus influenzae exacerbation. that is literally something out of my textbooks. "causes COPD exacerbations."

    it's almost as bad as that one time that i mentally diagnosed someone with appendicitis based on what i overheard from a phone-call, then my aunt happened to mention the case a few hours later and said it was appendicitis. it was freaky... and beyond brilliant!

    -Sam Lupin

  9. So sorry you're doung it tough. Xx

  10. I know that I've been putting my two cents in for a while now, but I care about you and hope that you will be kind to yourself, not assume your mom doesn't not, think you should hurt yourself. There's a world out there that I think you should get well and see. I hurt for you and I wish you could see what all of us do. Lots of love dear.