I was back at the GP today, after last week's utter failure of an appointment. I started crying almost as soon as I sat down, and still had trouble finding words, but it was better than last week's.
I finally agreed with her on raising my Mirtazapine (anti-depressant) dosage, from 45mg to 60mg. She's been suggesting it for a while, but I've been putting it off. I've been on the same dosage for over two years now, 45mg is usually as high as it goes, and I guess I just haven't seen it as necessary.
She kept asking questions like "Do you think we should try a higher dose?". All I could do was cry in frustration "I don't know", because I honestly have no idea when my meds need adjusting.
"But do you think it'd help?"
"I don't know!"
After talking around in circles for a while, she said I should at least trial it, especially given the recent decline. She gave me a new script, so we'll see how it goes. After all, what have I got left to lose?
As for exercise, her opinion is that it's really up to the dietician. She sees where the physician is coming from with wanting me to exercise, and why it's complicated for me, but the dietician gets the final say. The big risk is being unable to make up for the energy deficit, especially if I overdo it. So when the dietician is happy with my intake and it wouldn't cause my weight to drop, then I can exercise.
She asked how I'm going with smoking, if cutting back's still working, though by this point I'd fallen back to wordlessness and tears. On the plus side, she got a good feedback letter from the physician, so apparently he's happy with how things are going.
"He's a very good physician," she says "and he's looking at the big picture of your health. You're lucky to have him, because you do have a permanent illness that will require monitoring."
I still cringe whenever the seriousness of COPD is mentioned.
She gave me some more ointment for my skin, the wounds that itch and never heal. She also took bloods, and wrote me a slip for a bone density scan which has been on the 'to do' list for months.
Not much news from the last week... No dietician appointment, which is always strange, but she's back this Tuesday. I've been doing a little sewing these past few days, a skirt, after weeks of not working on anything. It's slow going due to my lack of motivation, but I'm trying to do a little most days to help fill the time, and hopefully find a sense of achievement.
Today's been full of stress, and I'm exhausted, so I'm about to defrost some soup for dinner (lamb, lentils, barley, peas, carrot, potato, onion) and call it a day. With any luck, I'll have something to say in the next week or so that isn't appointment or depression related.