I saw the dietician on Tuesday, as usual, and the focus of conversation this week was my increasing isolation.
She asked if I've been leaving the house, going to the supermarket, things like that. I nearly laughed as I said 'no'. I think I last went grocery shopping sometime back in February, maybe March, whereas I used to go every morning. I don't go for walks, I don't go shopping, I don't go into town. Sometimes I go out in the car with mum, but I never get out of the car except for appointments. I just don't go out, and I don't particularly want to. I'm terrified by the world, and everything in it.
Between this apparent agoraphobia, anxieties and other contributing factors, I've completely isolated myself, lost contact with every single one of my local friends. The last time I spent time with a friend was back in December, and I had maybe four social encounters in the whole of 2012. Socializing has always been difficult and anxiety-ridden, but now I don't even talk to anyone locally. I wouldn't know what to say or how to talk to them, and that's a scary thought. I'd really be lost without this blogging community, I can't say it enough.
The dietician suggested that mum and I go on a day trip, something to change up the routine and get me out for a few hours. Just to go for a drive to another town, have lunch, and come back home, even if I don't get out of the car. So we're planning on doing that sometime soon, and we'll see how it goes.
Walking down the hall to be weighed, she asked what do I hope happens on the scales these days. I paused, and said I hope it stays the same.
At the scales, step on sideways, stare at my feet.
"You've got what you hoped for."
Exactly the same. That makes three weeks in a row.
Back in her office, she asked what my reaction would be had I gained. I said I'd be a little upset, and not see a reason to raise my intake if I was gaining, though I know now that one fluctuation doesn't mean I'll gain 'real' weight.
"You know you can't afford to lose anymore."
"I know." I sigh.
She talks about weight gain, says something about not having any weight to spare if I become sick with the flu, gastro, or even a cold. I tune out.
Next week the dietician is away for a conference, so I'll be next seeing her in two weeks. She offered me an appointment with her colleague just to be weighed, as she does on weeks away, though I don't think it's a good idea to be weighed without support available. Until then, she wants me to keep aiming for the 1,000-1,100 calorie range.
Tomorrow I'm off to the GP, and will get her opinion on the exercise issue. On the plus side, I don't think my meds need to be changed around at the moment, but we'll see how it goes.