Thursday, 22 August 2013


I saw the dietician on Tuesday, as usual, and the focus of conversation this week was my increasing isolation. 

She asked if I've been leaving the house, going to the supermarket, things like that. I nearly laughed as I said 'no'. I think I last went grocery shopping sometime back in February, maybe March, whereas I used to go every morning. I don't go for walks, I don't go shopping, I don't go into town. Sometimes I go out in the car with mum, but I never get out of the car except for appointments. I just don't go out, and I don't particularly want to. I'm terrified by the world, and everything in it.

Between this apparent agoraphobia, anxieties and other contributing factors, I've completely isolated myself, lost contact with every single one of my local friends. The last time I spent time with a friend was back in December, and I had maybe four social encounters in the whole of 2012. Socializing has always been difficult and anxiety-ridden, but now I don't even talk to anyone locally. I wouldn't know what to say or how to talk to them, and that's a scary thought. I'd really be lost without this blogging community, I can't say it enough. 

The dietician suggested that mum and I go on a day trip, something to change up the routine and get me out for a few hours. Just to go for a drive to another town, have lunch, and come back home, even if I don't get out of the car. So we're planning on doing that sometime soon, and we'll see how it goes.

Walking down the hall to be weighed, she asked what do I hope happens on the scales these days. I paused, and said I hope it stays the same. 
At the scales, step on sideways, stare at my feet. 
"You've got what you hoped for."
Exactly the same. That makes three weeks in a row.

Back in her office, she asked what my reaction would be had I gained. I said I'd be a little upset, and not see a reason to raise my intake if I was gaining, though I know now that one fluctuation doesn't mean I'll gain 'real' weight.
"You know you can't afford to lose anymore."
"I know." I sigh.
She talks about weight gain, says something about not having any weight to spare if I become sick with the flu, gastro, or even a cold. I tune out.

Next week the dietician is away for a conference, so I'll be next seeing her in two weeks. She offered me an appointment with her colleague just to be weighed, as she does on weeks away, though I don't think it's a good idea to be weighed without support available. Until then, she wants me to keep aiming for the 1,000-1,100 calorie range. 

Tomorrow I'm off to the GP, and will get her opinion on the exercise issue. On the plus side, I don't think my meds need to be changed around at the moment, but we'll see how it goes.



  1. A day trip does sound fun :) I'm not sure if it's this way with you, but when I've gotten myself into an anxiety ridden state where I can't leave the house...once I finally DO (whether it be someone dragged me outside or I gained a little motivation) I tend to feel a little bit better. Our fears are always worse in our heads. I hope the outing goes well :)

  2. I love you bella, I wish I could make it better for you, the world less terrifying and life more bearable. you mean so much to me and I would really be totally lost without your support. take boo if you have a road trip somewhere? life is so heavy right now and i wish i could lift earth's gravity for us both and give us some calm. love you xxxx

  3. You can do it! Keep us updated on how you're doing with the calorie increases. I know it can be hard to do it all by yourself.
    I don't know if this applies to you, but the more starved I was, the more isolated I was. And the same goes for others as well. When people are emaciated they lose part of themselves, stay away from social interaction. Even now, when I'm doing badly with bulimia, I'm never as isolated as I was when i was restricting.
    I don't know if this is a thing, but if it is, I wonder if gaining weight would actually help you have more social interactions. Or at least feel a bit more comfortable with them. I only say this because it means that the two problems can be dealt with in the same way, so it would be easier.
    Let me know what you think!

    And have fun on your outing!

  4. ^ I just read what Emily wrote, and it made me realize that it is indeed true. I was far more isolated and alone when I was anorexic than when I was bulimic...
    You are such a lovely person Bella. We all love you. Once you overcome the fear of the world, everything out there is going to give you a warm welcome :)
    Stay strong!
    xoxo <3

  5. Hey Bella, I hope you do go for that outing. I usually feel better when I do end up going out, even if I'm worried about it or feel it would just be easier to stay home. I hope it goes well, good luck darling <3
    Alice xx

  6. Hey Bella,

    I can relate to how it feels to be so isolated. You can keep pretending that you're ok to not go out, that you'd rather be inside than outside, etc. etc. but it's no life at all and I really feel for you. I think it's a great idea from your dietitian to go out for the day with your mum. Whatever you feel comfortable with, and you can keep building on that.

    Good luck with it Bella, you can do it, I know you can!

    Sending you big comforting hugs

  7. **Hugs!! Been a long time since I've commented, but your comments on my blog seriously mean the world to me. You are a wonderful person and I pray that life will soon give you back all the love and beauty you shower on others. Much love xxxx

  8. -hugs-
    I hope you know how much you mean to this community and how much we all love you.
    I hope things get a little easier for you.
    I hope you do take a day trip and it's quite nice. As someone else already commented, our fears are always worst in our heads.