There are times that I forget why I'm doing this. Times that I reconsider raising my intake and working towards maintaining, or feel guilty for doing so. I have to stop and remind myself: it's okay, it's not recovery. It's not letting go of my eating disorder, but holding on to it. I know it sounds awful, but it does make me feel a little better. I'm doing this to avoid A&E, the horrible psychiatrist, sections, inpatient admissions. It's to keep me stable enough to not have anyone intervene. It's because I'd rather slowly raise my intake to maintain, than be forced onto 3,000 calories a day to gain weight that wouldn't stick.
When I remind myself of these things, it gives me motivation to try for the 1,000 cals a day. It makes it a little easier to drink the Ensures, and takes some of the guilt away. I need to remember that the alternative to maintaining isn't losing more weight, it's gaining. Obviously there's much more to it than calories and weight, it's never that shallow, though I'm trying to avoid even thinking about the big picture of my mental health. It's too distressing. As long as the eating disorder takes centre stage, my other mental health issues don't have to be faced.
I don't really have much to say at the moment, without getting into the over-emotional ramblings that I'm trying so desperately to avoid. I'm at a point where I'm really just waiting for my days to pass, and precious little else. Everything is very still, quiet, empty, and I'm lost for words.
My intake's been unremarkable this week. The stir-fry I made on Wednesday went down well, definitely a new family favorite there. Apart from that, I haven't really broken my routine, and have been relying more on Ensure. I made individual Beef Wellingtons (complete with mashed potatoes and tarragon-red wine gravy) for my family on Friday, which they loved, though I had no intention of joining and had soup instead. Made another batch of my 'go-to dinner' stew yesterday. But so far I've only had one day this week fall significantly short of 1,000 cals, most days I've pushed through 900+, so that's something.
Well, that seems to be all the words I can summon for now. Have the best week you can everyone!