Sunday, 18 August 2013

All the Wrong Reasons

There are times that I forget why I'm doing this. Times that I reconsider raising my intake and working towards maintaining, or feel guilty for doing so. I have to stop and remind myself: it's okay, it's not recovery. It's not letting go of my eating disorder, but holding on to it. I know it sounds awful, but it does make me feel a little better. I'm doing this to avoid A&E, the horrible psychiatrist, sections, inpatient admissions. It's to keep me stable enough to not have anyone intervene. It's because I'd rather slowly raise my intake to maintain, than be forced onto 3,000 calories a day to gain weight that wouldn't stick.

When I remind myself of these things, it gives me motivation to try for the 1,000 cals a day. It makes it a little easier to drink the Ensures, and takes some of the guilt away. I need to remember that the alternative to maintaining isn't losing more weight, it's gaining. Obviously there's much more to it than calories and weight, it's never that shallow, though I'm trying to avoid even thinking about the big picture of my mental health. It's too distressing. As long as the eating disorder takes centre stage, my other mental health issues don't have to be faced.

I don't really have much to say at the moment, without getting into the over-emotional ramblings that I'm trying so desperately to avoid. I'm at a point where I'm really just waiting for my days to pass, and precious little else. Everything is very still, quiet, empty, and I'm lost for words.

My intake's been unremarkable this week. The stir-fry I made on Wednesday went down well, definitely a new family favorite there. Apart from that, I haven't really broken my routine, and have been relying more on Ensure. I made individual Beef Wellingtons (complete with mashed potatoes and tarragon-red wine gravy) for my family on Friday, which they loved, though I had no intention of joining and had soup instead. Made another batch of my 'go-to dinner' stew yesterday. But so far I've only had one day this week fall significantly short of 1,000 cals, most days I've pushed through 900+, so that's something. 

Well, that seems to be all the words I can summon for now. Have the best week you can everyone!



  1. I was going to ask what are you waiting for Bells but I fear that I already know the answer
    I know
    I'm running out of words too
    There's just nothing to say anymore

    Please hold on
    Find something, anything and hold on to it
    You are loved
    You are a special one x

  2. Anything that gets you to raise your intake, even if it's telling yourself to hold onto the ED. I would be scared of eating 3000 calories a day too, and it would definitely deter me form going to inpatient.
    Someday you'll have to face the other issues, whether the ED is there to hide them or not. I hope that you'll use your supports when that day comes. They love you, and we love you. We want to help you through this.

  3. I'm glad you have motivation, at least, and I'm glad that you're not still losing. Maintenance sounds like a lovely goal right now. <3
    I'm so sorry that things are hard. That sounds like such a silly statement, but sometimes there's nothing else to say. I wish I could give you a hug.

    Congrats on pushing through to have such a good week. You're so strong, and you can do this. <3

  4. It's such a relief to hear that you're doing better with your intake... I hope it continues <3

    You give people so much hope. Please try to take care of yourself. You're beautiful.

  5. Hey bella... I wish I could give you a big hug right now I feel so much for you, what you said.. About how you want to scream that it will never be ok.. 'I will always be me' - this person. And I feel so bitter about myself and it breaks my heart that you understand that because it means you feel that way about yourself too, because huni, you have no reason to. You are not a bad person, you are good enough, you are brilliant and you deserve happiness. I just wish there was some way for you to see it.. It's ok.. If you are eating to retain your control and not to recover . If that's what it takes for you to be ok then there is nothing wrong with that. It is wrong for another person to take away someone's control, to take away their will, you can only recover if and when you want to.. And sometimes we have to hold on to what gives us some security. Do whatever it takes to be ok, as that is all we want for you. Don't give up my dear.

    Lots of love xx

  6. This is like an echo of me :?

    I too have raised my intake with drinks to stay out of hospital. I feel like a fraud because everyone thinks and keeps telling me that I am doing it to stay/get well. I feel myself shrinking, I don't want to hear it because it feels like a dirty little lie I am letting them believe.

    All I can say is I think somewhere in us there IS someone waiting, just waiting until we are strong enough to blow this thing away.

    Keepp going, please have faith there is happiness not just monotony

  7. Hey beautiful :D everyone above said the usual things I say. It hasn't changed, how awesome I think you are or how much I love you. When there's no light, punch a hole through the wall. Chances are, it wasn't supposed to be there anyway. Saying a prayer for you sweets. I love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much. Oh, and more. :P

  8. I love you so much and I really understand how you feel, I know my weight is a lot higher and I've not been inpatient before, but trying so hard to flee and avoid it, I understand the fear of having to go back and trying not to. I love you lots, I'm always an Internet click and a type away if you ever want to talk, love you xxxx

  9. It's good to remind yourself that if you don't maintain your weight, you will have to go into inpatient and gain a lot. While maintaining weight and eating 1000 calories a day isn't the easiest thing, it's what it probably best for you right now. Keep up the good work with eating 900+ calories. So proud of you <3

  10. It's extremely hard to maintain your weight without getting tempted to lose more when you are in control of your diet, but like Rebecca just said; keep up the good work with your caloric intake because you are doing so good :)
    Having to stay in a hospital being force-fed would be dreadful D:
    xx <3