The appointment with my GP was a total loss. The appointment you have when you're not really having an appointment. I was feeling so flat and down, I couldn't bring myself to talk. I slumped in my chair, stared straight down and fought off tears the entire time.
She asked about the physician, smoking, exercise, self harm, medication, even things like sewing. I couldn't say more than one or two words answers. It's not that I didn't have anything to contribute. I had things I needed to say, but I just couldn't talk. Mum answered some things for me, but I can barely remember what either of them said, and I couldn't give my input, so I won't bother trying to recall any of it here.
Near the end she asked if I was tired, or upset with her, or what was going on. I shrugged, and could feel the tears about to leak out. She said it was the quietest she's seen me, not that I'm usually overly chatty anyway. I made it out to the car and broke down into fat, sobbing tears. We got home, and I still couldn't stop crying. I told mum that I just couldn't talk, that I just felt so low, I couldn't talk. It sounds so stupid, I know, but that's all it was. I got nothing out of the appointment, it's like I didn't even go, and I feel awful for wasting my GP's time. We called and booked another appointment this Friday for a do-over.
The appointment is a prime example of what my week's been like. Few words, lots of tears.
I don't even have much to say about my intake. It's so routine, eating mechanically, and with Ensure I'm hitting my goal most days. I've had one day this week fall significantly short at 700 cals. The rest have been in the 900-1,050 range, and nothing much to talk about. Dinner is still the only variable, and that's only some nights, my other meals haven't changed at all. I'm cooking (and eating) family dinners maybe 3 nights a week now, the other nights I just pull soup out of the freezer.
Since I'm struggling for words, have some pictures. This is a stir-fry I made for the family last night. Chicken breast, carrots, green beans, red bell pepper/capsicum, onion, sauces and an impressively tiny 2 grams of olive oil to cook it all in. It was so bright and colorful. We were a little short on beans, but oh well.
xxBella
I was going to comment here Bella but I don't think it's right to tell you what I have to tell you so publicly so I will email you
ReplyDeleteMuch love dearest x
It sounds like it's been a very tough week dear Bella. I hope you can rest up and find some peace this week. Much love xxx
ReplyDeleteHey, lurked on your blog for a very long time but never commented before. I hate 'non-appointments' myself, and it's always when you're struggling more you somehow lose all your words...
ReplyDeleteJust hang on in there.
xxx
Oh no! I hope you feel better soon :(
ReplyDeleteWhenever I go to the doctor's it's hard to say what I need to say too, because they're strangers to me.
It takes guts, practice, and a plan to say what you need to say. Especially when you're feeling so low you don't want to talk, writing out what you want to cover beforehand can help so much.
I'm glad you're mostly keeping up with the calorie increase. You're in my thoughts. <3
I've had similar experiences in appointments when I just can't talk. I've spent most of my life just not talking too. It's hard, so my heart goes out to you Bella. Please don't feel you were wasting your GP's time, because you obviously needed/need her help and that's what she's there for. If she can see you like that, on one of your worst days, it helps her to understand what you are going through so she's more likely to be able to help you.
ReplyDeleteI hope your week gets better. As you keep eating, your brain will start to function better. Maybe that's the reason behind your tears. Anorexia blocks out so much - you barely feel anything, no feelings or emotions, but as your brain is fed, it can start to work again, so you start to feel things again, good and bad, but soon the good will outweigh the bad as you become more stable with your eating. I am so incredibly proud of you my lovely! Keep fighting, keep going, you can do this!
Sending so much love and whopping great big warm hugs! Xxx
I often felt the same way when I visited doctors or counselors... I'm not the type of person who can talk to others so openly about my personal life. Besides, having a life with an eating disorder is just so complicated, often it can't be described in words.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are feeling better now... <3 I can see that things are tough for you at the moment but I know you are a strong person, Bella! Keep fighting!
We are all here to support you! :)
xx
P.s. the stir-fry looks delicious! It looks so appetizing :)
I swear one of these days I'm going to fly to Australia and give you the biggest hug anyone has ever given another person. I love you so much hon, I really do, I hope you know that. I feel people's emotions too much sometimes, but I also believe with the utmost faith that there is a strong, passionate fighter in there somewhere, and when she gets out and takes a stand, people need to watch out. Maybe I put too much faith in people, but you're still here right? It counts for something. In other words, that stir fry looks really good. Maybe try some ginger next time, I always put that in my asian stir fry. I love you so so so so so so so much!!
ReplyDeleteAwww sweetheart I wish I could Give you a hug you sound so so so low :( your stir fry looks yum. I don't know what to say other than I love you and I wish this heavy weight would lift from our lives and let us breathe xxx
ReplyDeleteHi Bella,
ReplyDeleteI've just stumbled across your blog and before I read any more I just wanted to say hello, and keep your chin up!! It sounds like you're having a rough time of it right now, but things can and will get better!! Wishing you strength and best wishes for a great week ahead!!
Love as always, Hope xx (findyourfix.blogspot.com)
I hope that things look up dearest. You're a very special person. I love you
ReplyDeleteOh, baby. <3 I'm sure the GP didn't think of it as her time wasted. She cares about you, and she understands.
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you for scheduling a second appointment.
That stir-fry looks so lovely and colorful!
-hugs-
I hope things start looking up for you. You deserve it.
<3