Saturday, 30 June 2012

Monotony (& intake June 30)

Today's been okay. Burnt more than I ate again, which is always great. I've been having fairly quiet days lately, usually consisting of coffee, exercising, cooking, eating, grocery shopping, cleaning, and playing Brain Training in my (surprisingly little) spare time. What an exciting life I lead. Yes, I get dressed up to go to the supermarket some days, simply because its the only place I go, and I wanna feel pretty.

Ended up craving ice cream late last night, so I ate it. Ugh. I was out of sugar-free, so I settled for just low-fat :( Gross! Anyway, my average for the last five days (since I saw the dietician) is at a little under 800 now. I'm aiming for 900 average (same as last week), so woo! Sugars are holding up fine, too, even though I've only had one day at or above 800. So that's that theory busted :)

Sorry every post is much of a muchness... I'll do something exciting one of these days, I swear! Picture is of some new notebooks :) I use little ones for intake (as well as a million other places) and day-to-day notes, but I've never seen one with a patterned cover. So numbers it is! :D No idea what I'll use the big one for, but I'll figure it out!

xxBella

Snack: Coffee (4)
Breakfast: Oats with stevia & cinnamon, Vegemite 4 Seed toast, Coffee (156)
Snack: Strawberries with sugar-free chocolate sauce, Coffee (14)
Lunch: Homemade soup, Yoghurt, Coffee (132)
Snack: Coke Zero (1)
Snack: Sweet chilli rice cakes, Coffee (50)
Dinner: Baked potato with mild salsa & FF cheese, Side salad (iceberg & medium salsa), Coke Zero, SF ice cream with animal cookie and caramel topping, Coffee (200)
Snack: SF ice cream with caramel topping & an animal cookie (65)
Snack: Hot chocolate (34)

Total intake: 660 calories
Burnt running: 426 calories
Burnt doing housework: 328 calories
Total burn: 754 calories
Good Day!..

Extra Tall, Extra Small (pictures)

Sorry for more pic-spam >.< I think my legs look okay today, too :)

xxBella

Friday, 29 June 2012

New Tiny Skirt <3 (*pictures!*)

I bought this little size 6 (Australian) waist-high skirt the other day and just tried it on. The belt's on the smallest hole, and I can pull it out at least an inch! Seriously in need of some size 4s, but I've never seen a size 4AU anything, and I'm sure that if they exist they'd be made for 4'1" girls - not 6'1" like me! Any suggestions, girlies?

Feeling thin and confident tonight :) Feels good, man.

'scuse the crappy quality on the first pic, and 'scuse my horrible tobacco stain in the second pic (cutting weed consumption down from 3g a day to 0.15g a day + eating more and all that shit = massive increase in cigarette smoking. Not a bad trade off!)

I am so glad I skipped pizza tonight...!

Today Sucked (& intake June 29)

Today has sucked balls. Seriously. Shrunken saggy lanugo-covered balls. I've been constantly anxious, wanting to throw up, and getting dizzy and shaky when I stand (BSL & BP are fine, though) (yes, I also have a blood pressure machine at home too. Child's cuff - fuck yes :)). So I went for a short run today, and spent the majority of it on the couch (I've been fiending the Brain Training DS games). Boo. I didn't eat as much as I should've, either. Still.

The family were getting pizza for dinner tonight (hence the pic below - from eatingdisordermemes.tumblr). So I speed-cooked up a muffin and soup. The muffin was a good idea - it was tasty enough that I didn't crave pizza. It's a half of a 97% FF Wholemeal English muffin, half a slice of FF cheese, 7g of WeightWatcher's bacon, and an egg white. For 90 calories, though, I'm stoked. So I had that with my soup, and a frozen strawberry yoghurt for dessert. Had supper to avoid any late-night temptations, and I'm still frikkin' under 800. Love it.


Hope you've all had a better day than me
xxBella

Snack: coffee (4)
Breakfast: Oats with stevia & cinnamon, Vegemite 4 Seed toast, coffee (156)
Snack: coffee (2)
Lunch: Vegemite 4 Seed toast, Homemade soup, yoghurt, Coffee (157)
Snack: Sweet chilli rice cake, Yoghurt, Coffee (134 )
Dinner: Wholemeal muffin with cheese/bacon/egg white, Homemade soup, Frozen strawberry yoghurt, Coffee (162)
Snack: SF ice cream w/ chocolate animal cookies & caramel topping, Coffee (101)
Snack: Hot chocolate (34)

Total intake: 744 calories
Burnt running: 213 calories
Burnt doing housework: 121 calories
Total burn: 334 calories

Doctor Week

I hate the weeks that are filled with doctors. They're the worst, and I'm damn lucky to make it through them without hospital. Next week is one of those.

I'm seeing my dietician on Tuesday morning, which I don't mind. I'm paranoid I won't lose more weight, and I need to if I want to be comfortable with a higher intake. I averaged 900 last week, and lost. I'm under this week, but I need to get it up. I wish I knew how much I lost last week, so I'd know how much wiggle room I have. If I lose again, I think I'll weigh myself before my intake goes up. It might be the worst thing I could do at the moment, but I'd want to know what I was before I started maintaining. I'm going to try to get my intake to average out at 900 again, maybe even higher, but I'll see how I go.

Thursday is the GP. The idiot GP. She throws 'Doctor' in front of her first name. 'Oh, hi, I'm Dr Cath'. No. Just no. Anyway, that'll mean blood tests. Which means going back. Probably for more blood tests. Last time I saw her, it was a Monday and I needed bloods, and to come back Wednesday. Wednesday, more bloods, come back Friday. Friday I could barely walk. And I went off to hospital. Hell no. I also need a new Implanon put in. Those cool little birth-control arm implants. My arm is thin enough that it sticks out - you can see the whole thing. So that'll be fun. Picture included - sorry for the shitty lighting.

And Eva is calling at some point. Let me tell you, I've been seeing psychs non-stop since I was 12. Eva is the only one who's ever helped me, and ever cared. She is this tall woman with brilliant hair and a constantly concerned expression and a thick Russian accent. She reminds me a bit of Dr V in Sucker Punch. I just want to break down and cry to her. She cares. She can help. But I don't need it. Mum's going to politely inform her what my GP said to me, making me believe I don't need help. Again, it will be interesting.


Ugh. Kill me now.

Thursday, 28 June 2012

No idea what to title! (& intake June 28)

Today's been up-and-down. My GP called when I was cooking dinner, and spoke to mum. Dr-Doesn't-Give-A-Shit called my ED psych, who is calling us next week. Mum's said she'll tell her why I'm not so interested in therapy anymore (because of the GP), and try to see if we can have her in the background. Doubt it. It'll be interesting, though. Thank God I can't be ITO'd over the phone (I hope...). So fucking scared of ITOs. Two in less than a year is enough to last me a lifetime, thanks.

I've been pretty good (AKA, naughty with a slightly low intake) the past few days, so I treated myself a little tonight (though stayed under 800 again... Fuck yes!). I had my potato with salsa & cheese, several nachos on the side, and a salsa salad! Dinner still came in under 200 (I waited a little for dessert), which is amazeballs. Then I made myself a slightly extravagant dessert that consisted of SF ice cream, crushed up vegan chocolate animal cookies, and caramel topping :) Never had it before, but I will again! Best combination of (semi-)safe foods ever. Feeling yucky and full, but I'm only at 700 :) The bonus is I'll be able to prove that <800 won't make my sugars plummet.

This is day three at 700-750, and I'm fucking fine (...I'm fucking fine on 50 until I hypo :(). I might play around a little lower, but I really want to average 900 (like last week) so I can see if I lose more on this much. I don't want to fall into the pattern of my calories dropping continuously. I'd like to know I can eat 1,000+ and maintain on some days, and restrict on others to lose weight, depending how I feel day-to-day. I need to get my intake up. I need to stay out of hospital. If that means I only lose half a kilo a month, I don't care.

Much love to you all, as always
xxBella

Snack: coffee (2)
Breakfast: WW oats with Stevia & cinnamon, Four Seed toast with WW canola spread & Vegemite, Coffee, Apple, Oolong tea (134)
Snack: Coffee (2)
Snack: Strawberry Smoothie (30)
Lunch: Homemade soup, FF yoghurt (130)
Snack: Apple muesli, coffee (79)
Dinner: Baked potato with mild salsa & FF cheese, Side salad (iceberg & Medium salsa), Corn chips with mild salsa & LF cheese, Coke Zero, Coffee (199)
Snack: SF ice cream with crumbled vegan chocolate animal cookies & caramel topping, Coffee (129) (I know this is a weird one, but it was totally worth it)

Total intake: 707 calories
Burnt running: 426 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 215 calories
Total burn: 641 calories

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Another great day (& intake June 27)

I ran for a full hour this morning, which was brilliant. I'm struggling with my intake, though. I know I should get to 1,000 each day, and 800 on 'low' days, but I feel like I'm just shoveling things in to get my intake up, but I want to stick with the Plan so I can find out where my intake should be to lose slowly... Struggling. I'm still eating fairly clean, though. A lot of tea & coffee, wholegrain bread, oats, soup, yoghurt, potato, salads, rice cakes and muesli seem to be my focus. I'm not eating as much fruit as I'd like, but the only chocolate I'm eating is (measured, obviously) Milo and Nutella. One week chocolate-free, woo hoo! Also, cakes and baked goods don't pop up often (when they do, they're mini-muffins), and my ice-cream is low-fat and sugar-free. So I think I'm doing okay. Eating clean and training mean to stay lean!

I'm still shocked I've lost weight in the past week, but certainly not complaining. If I can keep this up (or at least not gain) for a few weeks, I'll be stoked. Then I can restrict less severely, keep my sugars up, avoid some health issues, and lose weight at my own pace (which isn't too fast, considering I don't have that much to lose). I always ate less than 50 cals a day, up until last November when I started having hypoglycemia issues. Then I upped it to 200, but still had issues, hence my high-cal days. I'm so uncomfortable with my intake at 800-1,000, but I know it's the only way to avoid hospital and the dickhead psychiatrist. If I can keep puttering on with losing weight, so much the better.

My dietician challenged me to eat different foods for dinner, and one of the things I came up with was a chicken teriyaki omelette. I used to eat these every night. 1/4 cup egg whites, spring onions, and chicken (38.6g tonight) cooked in teriyaki sauce. So there. It fell apart tonight so it was scrambled ;) Had it with a pork dumpling and tiny bit of plain lettuce (could've done with more lettuce). Nom. Even with ice-cream, dinner was still under 200. About to have my frozen yoghurt, then a big hot chocolate :3

Sorry for the long ramble. Again. Cute Disney picture for today (nabbed from their FB). Love to all my friends on here - we're lost, but at least we're not alone <3

Snack: Coffee (4)
Breakfast: WW oats with Stevia & cinnamon, Four Seed toast with WW canola spread & Vegemite, Coffee (156)
Snack: Coffee (2)
Snack: Sweet chilli rice cake, Nut muesli bar, Coffee (107)
Snack: Coffee (2)
Lunch: Homemade soup, FF yoghurt (130)
Snack: Coffee, Apple muesli bar (77)
Dinner: Egg white & spring onion teriyaki scramble, teriyaki chicken, Pork dumpling, Lettuce, Coke Zero, SF ice cream with Milo, Coffee (188)
Snack: Frozen strawberry yoghurt (28)
Snack: Hot chocolate (34)

Total intake: 728 calories
Burnt running: 853 calories
Burnt doing housework: 164 calories
Total burn: 1,017 calories

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

I feel Amazing (& intake June 26)

The dietician went well. As a wrap up: I've lost weight (I'm in shock), my intake stays at 1,000 (give or take), and I shouldn't go below 800 on any given day. Feeling confident, but still not to keen on eating 1,000 calories every day. I got such a little buzz when she said I've lost weight :) I think I actually went into shock, though. Since I was weighed I've felt pretty cold (temperature is 34c :-/) and nauseous. But I'm planning on sticking close to 800 most days, and hope I can keep losing (or at least not gaining). Skinny bitches in the house say ho! HO!

(I've never said anything like that before in my life... O.o)

Changed what bread I eat today, too. I normally eat Burgen Wholemeal & Seeds for Weight Management. It's whole and healthy and yummy! But then I realized yesterday, when someone asks what I eat when my sugars dropped, I'll be saying 'Uh, mum's low-carb bread (she's diabetic)... And sugar-free ice cream'. Woolworth's have a wonderful Four Seed bread though, which is so yummy and packed with seeds. So hopefully that'll help keep my sugars up a little more!

Had my baked potato for the first time in a few days tonight, and it was lovely :) My dietician wants me to eat more meat and protein and iron, but I get enough protein as it is (at least 20% calories from protein, and at least 40-50g), and I take iron supplements and am gonna have my levels (among other things) next week. I'll stick to mostly veggies/fruit/grains and getting my protein from bits and pieces of (all FF) cheese, bacon & egg whites, thanks. Pro-tip: don't tell an Anorexic she doesn't eat enough protein, when you don't even ask how many grams she's eating.

Sorry for yet another rambling post >.< I'm off to bed with my hot chocolate. So uncomfortable with my intake, but if I'm losing weight and keeping my BSL stable, who cares?

Snack: Coffee (4)
Breakfast: Four seed toast with WW canola spread & Vegemite, Coffee, Frozen strawberry yogurt, Oolong tea (122)
Snack: coffee (2)
Lunch: Homemade soup, Wholemeal muffin (half) with FF cheese, egg white & bacon, Coffee, FF yoghurt (203)
Snack: Sweet Chilli & Sour Cream rice cakes, Nut crumble muesli bar, Coffee (131)
Snack: coffee (2) (I've been so tired these past few days, so I'm rarely without coffee)
Dinner: Baked potato with WW canola spread, chives, WW bacon & FF cheese, Side salad (cos & LF dressing), Coke Zero (129)
Snack (dessert): SF ice cream with Milo, Nutella, Coffee (165)
Snack: Hot chocolate (34)

Total intake: 788 calories
Burnt running: 213 calories
Burnt doing housework: 278 calories
Total burn: 491 calories

You're all Beautiful <3 Stay confident

Much love to each and every one of you
xxBella

(BTW, and my sugars ended up crashing again last night, so I stuffed my face with horrible foods [and I mean nachos, leftover fried rice, pizza and SF ice cream D:] and got up to 1,000 cal for the day. Thought that would be a nail in the coffin for gaining weight, but nope!)

Lost weight

Lol. I'm in shock. Probably because of what I was wearing. Still 1,000 calories, and never less than 800, but try to average out my calories over the week. Obviously I need to keep losing weight if I don't need to eat more. Ugh. Conflicting.

Monday, 25 June 2012

FML x1,000 (& intake June 25)

Woke up today hypoglycemia. Rofl. My body fucking hates me. One day at 500 calories, and my body can't handle it. Gonna ask my dietician about it tomorrow. I was meant to see a dietician in November to manage hypoglycemia when restricting, anyway, so I guess that'll be okay. But for today it meant no running, which I guess is okay since I did an (unintentional) depletion workout yesterday, and I hadn't had a rest day in at least a week.

Ate a disgusting 550 calories today. It's way too much. I think I'm going to need to eat at least 250-300 calories to maintain my blood sugars, when I eat only apples/fruit & vege with no room for fat or protein - only carbs. So that's gonna get sorted tomorrow after I get weighed and have gained. Coffee for dinner tonight. Blood sugars were okay enough to skip dinner, so I'll have my hot chocolate later and call it a night.

Snack: coffee (4)
Breakfast: Burgen toast with WW canola spread & Vegemite, Coffee (98)
Snack: SF ice cream with Milo, Coffee (67)
Lunch: Burgen toast with WW canola spread & Vegemite, Coffee, SF ice cream with Milo (165)
Snack: Mini muffin, Coffee (97)
Snack: Sweet Chili & Sour Cream rice cake, SF ice cream with caramel topping (79)
Dinner: Coffee (4)
Snack: Hot chocolate (34)

Total intake: 550 disgusting calories
Burnt housekeeping: 102 calories (lol!)

xxFatAss

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Lowest day in over a week (& intake June 24)

Today could nearly be called a restriction day. Nearly. 499 calories today. I really wanted to run for a full hour this morning, but I started to get symptoms of glycogen depletion at 20 minutes in, and it was pretty unbearable by the time I hit 45 minutes, so I stopped. It's an achievement though, I guess.

When I went to start dinner, my last fucking potato had a split in it. So the only thing I had as an option for dinner was soup or salad. Soup it was, because I was just feeling to shitty and tired and depressed to bother doing much. Ate early, alone. Had a bath while the family were eating Chicken Kiev Fried Rice. My recipe, not that I can eat it. I'm about to have my hot chocolate and call it a night. I'm so over today.

Shitty, shitty day. But at least I had an okay intake.

Snack: Coffee (4)
Breakfast: WW oats with stevia & cinnamon, Burgen toast with WW canola spread & Vegemite, Coffee (161)
Snack: Coffee (4)
Lunch: Homemade soup, Burgen toast with WW canola spread & Vegemite, FF yoghurt, Peppermint tea (157)
Snack: Frozen strawberry yoghurt, Coffee (30)
Dinner: Homemade soup, Frozen Strawberry Yoghurt, Coke Zero (110)
Snack: Hot chocolate (34)

Total intake: 499 calories
Burnt running: 639 calories
Burnt doing housework: 172 calories
Total burn: 811 calories

More pic-spam

Just some random pictures of me from the last couple of weeks... Wearing a belt that I last wore when I was 5 years old & one of my arm because I thought it looked thin. Sorry for looking so scraggly and derp - they were both taken straight after running.

But you're not even skinny!

This is basically how I felt with my GP last week...

Source:
http://eatingdisordermemes.tumblr.com
^^^ Check it out! ^^,

Saturday, 23 June 2012

Every day gets harder (& intake June 23)

Hard morning, but I pulled through. Tried hard to get to 800-1,000 today and relax, because I've worked out a lot this week, and been under 800 for two days. I still love breakfast the most. I was making oats too, but they boiled over and I didn't have time to make more because I was making muffins with bacon, cheese & poached eggs for my Mum :3 So I didn't mind too much, and had my oats for morning tea/second breakfast instead :)

The afternoon got hard again. I ate ice cream and Nutella (not together) because I was mopey. I do not want to go over 800 again until I see my dietician, which is Tuesday, so only a couple more days. So I had soup, jelly with cream & Coke Zero for dinner. Picture has no whipped cream because it would've melted while eating my soup.

Snack: Coffee (4)
Breakfast: Wholemeal open muffin with LF cheese, egg white & WW bacon, Burgen toast with WW canola & Vegemite, Black coffee, Frozen strawberry yoghurt, Oolong tea (165)
Snack: Oats with stevia & cinnamon, coffee (64)
Lunch: Homemade lamb broth (no meat), vegetable, lentil & barley soup, FF yoghurt, Peppermint tea (150)
Snack: SF ice cream with Milo, Coffee (92)
Snack: Nutella (73)
Snack: SF ice cream with caramel topping, coffee (81)
Dinner: Homemade soup, Whipped jelly with whipped cream, Coke Zero (97) One slice of homemade garlic bread (20)
Snack: Hot chocolate (34)

Total intake: 780 calories (ugh...)
Burnt running: 213 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 241 calories
Total burn: 454 calories

I don't want Recovery

I haven't wanted the weight gain or psych help regardless, and today, I really don't think I want any of it (it lasted a whole week... Hah). Yes, I need to keep my intake up so I don't hypo. Yes, I want to find out why I gain so easily (mostly so I can lose easier). I just want Tuesday to get here so everyone can shit bricks at how much I've gained, and I can find out why. I'm going to keep seeing the dietician until I find a good balance between intake/maintaining BSL/losing weight, and I need to see my GP to get a new Implanon in the next month, but I don't want any of this shit. I just want to find a way to keep my intake at an okay level, keep my sugars from plummeting, and lose weight.

I'm miserable no matter what my weight or intake is, so might as well take the option that'll kill me, right?

Sorry for being so depressing lately. This'll all change on Wednesday when I know if I've gained/maintained/lost. For now, I'm off to stuff my fucking face because I'm desperate to stick to the Plan and find out why my body is so fucked. Otherwise this week will all be for nothing.

A lot of my feelings are because I'm too fat to get help, but I don't care. I'll never fucking try to get help again - wouldn't want to waste any doctor's precious time.

Pic below is after eating lunch. BMI 13.5-14.0, and I'm too fucking fat to get help. Gonna be heading back towards BMI 13.0, 12.0, and below. Fuck maintaining.

Confused

I know I don't want to gain weight, nor do I need to. I know I don't want or need psych help. I don't even know if I want to eat healthier amounts anymore, and try to lose weight once whatever-the-hell's going on in my body is sorted out, or just give up and die in a hypoglycemic coma. Eating is so hard, so much effort. I haven't gotten to 800 in the last two days, when I should be at 800-1,000 this week. I just don't know anymore. I don't know if I feel any happier, or if I will once I find this 'balance'. I will be if I start losing weight again. I want to restrict so badly, but I know my sugars plummet, still, after 6-8 hours without a mini-meal. I've felt so weak all year because my body just doesn't have what it takes to restrict anymore, though it's all I want to do. I don't know if I want to live anymore. I just want to lose more weight.

Friday, 22 June 2012

Cutting calories (& intake June 22nd)

Really struggling with keeping intake up today... Skipped my oats with breakfast, and had some apple (still had 2 egg whites & toast, though). Skipped morning tea completely because I was so busy working out and running errands. Then had a late (2pm) and small lunch, though still had my yoghurt so I wouldn't be having a 100-calorie lunch (picture for y'all of my little lunch :3). Hot chocolate in the afternoon (craving). The size of the potatoes I use is going down, and I've changed which cheese I use so it's lower calorie. I'm really into my ice cream again at the moment, so it's a not-so-painful way to get more calories in. Still, under 700 today. Meh.

Had a brilliant grocery shop today. These are what I had in my little basket :)
  • Three potatoes (100-120g each)

  • A bag of Cos lettuce

  • A 500ml carton of egg whites (I've been using fresh, because frozen are too watery for omelettes so I only scramble them, but these are a new line of fridge-packs, so I thought I'd give them a try)

  • Iron supplements

  • Hair, Skin & Nail supplements (never taken these before, but all my nails have broken in the last two weeks)

  • Xenadrine Ultra


I haven't taken Xenadrine before. I actually went to buy more Nature's Way Metabolift, but these were on sale (though still 3x the price). I'm desperate. These must work better, because they have different (and more) ingredients, and seem a little more hardcore than taking Nature's Way. So I'm debating as to whether or not to start them now, or wait until after Tuesday. It says to take them for 45 days, so I might do that starting Tuesday, and use Metabolift in between. Yes.

Also a quick note on smoking, if anyone's interested: I've cut back to about a quarter of a gram a day in the last few days. This is the least I've smoked in over two years, unless I've been in hospital or when I quit December-March. This is amazing for me, and I'm so close to stopping completely. I have 5-8 tiny cones a day :)

Snack: Black coffee (4)
Breakfast: Egg whites with tomato sauce, Burgen Wholemeal & Seeds toast (half with WW canola spread & Vegemite), Coffee, Diced Golden Delicious apple, Oolong tea (152)
Lunch: Homemade lamb broth, vegetable, lentil & barley soup, Small Caesar (cos, LF dressing, WW bacon, grain croutons, egg white), Oolong tea, Yoghurt, Coffee (177)
Snack: Hot chocolate (27)
Dinner: Baked potato with WW bacon, WW canola spread, 97% FF cheese & chives, Side salad (cos & LF Caesar dressing), Coke Zero, SF ice cream with Milo (234)
Snack: SF ice cream & Milo (85)
Snack: Coffee (4)

Total intake: 683 calories
Burnt running: 426 calories
Burnt doing yoga: 59 calories
Burnt doing housework & running errands: 358 calories
Total burnt: 843 calories

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Everything's too much (& intake June 21st)

Struggling along today. I feel so guilty. I... ate a chocolate bar just before going to sleep last night, and I don't really know why except that I haven't had chocolate in a week (normally I have it every few days). So I had a horrible night and a really hard morning. I feel horrible. I really had to push myself to 800 today. I don't want to restrict and lose weight, because I really want to know why I maintain/gain on so little. So I'm slugging along on the bare minimum today, and it just seems like too much. I feel like I have to compensate by eating <150 and running for two hours, but I don't want to fuck with the plan, lose weight, and not find out anything.

Made a batch of lamb broth, vege, lentil & barley soup today, so I might have that at some point tomorrow. I also have half a dozen apples that are calling my name, but when I've been eating today it's been to bring the calories up to 800. Ugh. I just want to starve, but I want to find out why I gain so easily, and to do that I need to maintain or gain on lower amounts than 'normal' (<1,200-1,400, maybe? Since I run e'ryday). I know I fucking do, but the dietician needs to see it herself. I'm gonna be really shocked if I lose weight (or even maintain) this week.

I can't wait until I can eat maintenance calories (~1,700 for me) and actually maintain, or eat less and lose like mad, or eat more and know I can 'compensate' for it without completely starving. I really want a healthy intake, but I don't need to gain weight, and I wouldn't mind losing back to my LW (41kg), or at least under 45. Fuck. I really hope I lose weight this week by some miracle. I'm so confused. I just want to stay thin/get thinner, but I want to eat 1,000+ healthy calories a day :(

Snack: Black coffee (4)
Breakfast: WW oats with Stevia & cinnamon, egg white omelette with tomato sauce, toast (half with WW canola & Vegemite), oolong tea, coffee (204)
Snack: WW oats with Stevia & cinnamon, coffee (64)
Lunch: small Caesar with cos, WW bacon, grain croutons, LF dressing & egg white, oolong tea, yoghurt, peppermint tea (134)
Snack: coffee, vegan animal cookies (64)
Dinner: baked potato with WW canola, LF cheese, WW bacon & chives, side salad (cos & LF Caesar dressing), Coke Zero, whipped jelly & whipped cream (225)
Snack: Nutella, hot chocolate (98)

Total intake: 793 calories
Burnt running: 213 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 286 calories
Total burn: 499 calories

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Intake June 20th

Had a hard day. Didn't get off the couch between lunch (11:50am) and a late dinner (7:30pm). This is unusual for me. I slept a couple of hours, but spent most of my time crying, screaming, bashing my head it, scratching at my fat, ripping out chunks of hair, and just being a complete wreck. So terrified of gaining/eating/weakness/everything. Pushed myself over 800, mostly because I want to Stick to the Plan and see what happens/find out why I gain. I need to try harder. I need more support. I ran a whole hour this morning so I'd burn off more than I eat, plus a lot of yoga and walking. I really want/need to know what this intake does to my body. The suspense is killing me.

Snack: coffee. 4 calories.
Breakfast: egg whites with tomato sauce, toast (half with canola & Vegemite), oats with stevia & cinnamon, oolong tea, coffee, strawberries & watermelon. 224 calories
L: Caesar salad (cos, bacon, grain croutons, parmesan, dressing, whole egg), oolong tea, yoghurt, peppermint tea. 248 calories.
D: egg whites with tomato sauce, toast (half with Vegemite), skim Milo. 249 calories.
S: SF ice cream & Milo. 114 calories.

Total: 839 calories
Burnt: 1,072 calories

Miserable

Haven't eaten since lunch. Too fat. Too depressed. Sugars are plummeting. Haven't gotten off the couch since lunch. Self-harmed too many times/ways/places to count. I can't eat normally on 800. I need to restrict to 200 and actually feel good about it, or be able to actually eat normal amounts and run like fuck and not gain, and I can't even eat 800 without gaining. I need to get these tests done to see why I gain, but before the gain happens, because then I need to lose it again anyway. I'm not sick and I don't need help, and I don't need to gain weight. I want to die.

Weight Ramblings

I'm really scared that I'm going to put on weight this week. I don't want to go above 50kg, and I don't need to. If I gain this week, I don't know what I'll do. I mean, yes, then I'd find out exactly why I gain weight ridiculously quickly, but then I have weight I need to lose. Fuck. I'm trying to do the impossible, I know, but my dietician doesn't think I'll gain weight (she knows my intake & loss/gain history, too). I don't want weight restoration, and I don't know if I want or need psych help. I guess, more than anything, I want intake restoration. NOT so I can eat 'normally again' and 2,000 fucking calories. I want to eat 1,000-1,200 calories of the nutritious, healthy, clean, whole foods that I've been eating these past few days. My passion for nutrition, health & fitness has escalated this year, and its been hurting me that I can't eat these wonderful nutritious foods, and have a balanced diet - because of my obsession. It's only in the last 6 months that I've been able to up my intake from 50 calories a day (for over a year) to 150-200, even.

I'm just rambling, I know. I just want to be able to eat a healthier amount, have a fully clean, nutritious diet, and not gain weight. I wouldn't mind losing another 5kg (oh God...), though I'm not hell-bent on it. It's more of a passive want (which most women have, right?). I've been happy with my body all year, though my key has been not gaining anymore.

As an interesting side, I was quite dysmorphic when I went inpatient (March 2011), and I'm not at all now. Relapse triggered recovery from dysmorphia, because I realized I'd never 'appreciated my bones', as it were. It's fucking harder (for me) to deal with weight gain when I don't have the dysmorphia. I know I'm emaciated, and my tendons and bones jut out, and I'm pretty underweight. But I fucking love it. I don't think I'm fat, I'm (more or less) done losing weight for now, and I certainly don't want to gain any back.


Much love to you all
xxBella

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

I have Hope (& intake June 19th)

I'm feeling really good today. The appointment with the dietician went really well. She understands that I don't want nor need to put my intake up too high yet, and that I'm not ready to gain weight. She blind-weighed me, and we decided on 800-1,000 calories a day for the next week, and we'll see what happens. If I gain, then it's time to look into why I gain so easily. Feeling optimistic :) Eat more, stay skinny, yes?

Egg yolks are a big deal for me these days, but I had a whole egg with lunch! Also, it was my first time poaching an egg - and it was perfect :) I also treated myself with sugar-free ice cream after dinner. A few months back, these were all I would eat, and I was horribly sick and bloated all the time because I ate a ridiculously dangerous amount of Sorbitol. And Quick-Eze. I would eat 3-12 packs a day, with my ice cream. Strangest eating habit ever. I was spending more on ice cream & Quick-Eze than I was on weed.

Snack: Black coffee. 4 calories.
Breakfast: Two egg white omelette with tomato sauce, toast (half with WW canola spread & Vegemite), frozen strawberry yoghurt, coffee. 156 calories.
Snack: Coke Zero. 1 calorie.
Lunch: Caesar salad made with cos lettuce, lean bacon, grain croutons, parmesan, LF dressing & a poached egg. Oolong tea, yoghurt. 257 calories.
Snack: Nutella. Banana-bran bread with WW canola spread, coffee. 150 calories.
Dinner: Baked potato with bacon, LF cheese, WW canola spread and chives, side Caesar salad, Coke Zero, sugar-free icecream. 300 calories.
Snack: Hot chocolate. 27 calories.

Total intake: 895 calories
Burnt doing housework: 282 calories

Dieticians are Amazing

I got blind weighed. She understands where I'm coming from with wanting to up my intake before I start gaining weight and see a psych and all that. I'm eating 800-1,000 calories, still working out, and seeing her next week. If I gain, she said we'd look into what's going on to make me gain.

Ohhhh yes! :D

I'm not Sick

The last 24hrs has been hard. My GP yesterday (not my 'family GP' - he's a dickhead with EDs too) told me that I don't need to gain weight, nor should I need psych help. I was shocked. I suppose GPs aren't specialists, though. (Last time I saw my 'family GP', I was 43kg and he told me to exercise more, and I saw a specialist the next week and wasn't allowed to walk back down the stairs - I had to take the lift - and was Sectioned/ITO'd the next day, and in hospital for 6 weeks.) No blood tests ordered, and I don't even have a follow-up appointment. My mum (she came with me) and Brother are pretty shocked too, and Brother wants to come to my next GP appointment.

Mum phoned the GP and was quite blunt, and she (the doctor) said that she might've been a little too 'optimistic'. What the fuck does that even mean?! Hell no, I'm not coming back to see you.

We went around the GP, and mum's given me her appointment with her dietician this morning at 9:10. Same clinic, but apparently she does have some understanding of EDs (or, at least, a brain in her head). Yesterday really threw me, and I don't know if I should gain weight anymore, or seek help. I was just told that I'm fine, right?

My head's fucked right now. I have a BMI of 14, but I don't need to gain weight. I thought I did, but I don't. I thought I needed psych help, but the GP told me I should be able to sort out the shit in my head myself (though, if I need a psych for any other issues, that's fucking brilliant). She doesn't care. She didn't want to help me because I don't need help.

I really need the dietician to tell me that I need to gain weight, and give me an idea of what to do next. I'm so scared she won't think I need help either. If that's the case, I give up.

I know that if I saw Eva (or any ED psych), it'd be a different case. But I need a dietician & GP on board first, so I have my intake and weight a little more under control so I can 'prove' that I don't need to go inpatient, and so my psychs aren't controlling my food & exercise this time around - that's the dietician's job. ED psychs really deal with things a lot better than GPs.

But I can't get psych help until I'm 55kg (Australia believes psych help isn't effective until slight weight restoration - BMI 16 - so its not even worth trying yet). But I don't need help. But I couldn't get it anyway because I'm too underweight. But I don't need to gain weight. And I don't need the psych help, anyway.

My head is so fucked right now. I need a doctor to see that I'm sick. Otherwise... I'm fine. I don't need help.

I'm too Fat to be actually sick.

Monday, 18 June 2012

The doctor doesn't care if I gain weight. Not important. Since I've made 'so much progress as it is' Also, neither is seeing a psych. I can sort out the problems in my head myself

Two big burns on my wrist & hand. I want to die.

Also, no 'come see me next week' or anything. No plan. I'm on my own. no blood tests ordered. Last time I saw her I needed bloods, come back tomorrow, bloods, come back tomorrow, hospital. I was 1kg lighter then.

If I don't need to gain weight and I don't need psych help, I don't need help. What the hell am I doing? I don't need to eat. I'm not thin enough or 'sick enough' to need help.

EDIT: three hours later, and mum got a call back from the doctor. Fuck her. Mum gave me her appointment with her dietician (who I'm getting a referral to as well) at 9:10 tomorrow morning. I need someone to tell me to gain weight, and give me a plan :(

Breakfast (209)

WeightWise oats made with water, stevia & cinnamon. Two egg white omelette with tomato sauce and half a slice Burgen Wholemeal & Seeds toast. Other half of the toast with WW canola spread & Vegemite. Half balls cantaloupe & sliced strawberries. Oolong tea & black coffee. 209 calories. Eating to grow, workout & impress the doctor lady this morning :)

Gonna go for a run, do some yoga, maybe some strength workouts, have morning tea (apple & yoghurt - 99), and go see Cath. So scared :(

All my love
xxBella
Doctor's appointment is in 7 hours. Fuuuuck, I'm scared. I don't want to go to hospital. I don't want to see my psych just yet. What the hell am I even going for? Fuuuuck. I'm scared as all fucking fuck.

Sorry for the language.

But... Fuck :-/

Sunday, 17 June 2012

Day one (intake)

Today was hard. I really struggled, to be honest. But I ate. And I ate clean. I didn't eat quite enough, but it was a lot. I missed morning tea because breakfast was late, but I had two snacks in the afternoon. My main meals came in between 180-250. And they were all really fucking filling. Pictures for y'all below :)

It's notable that today I haven't felt that urge to eat everything in sight, because I know I can eat it tomorrow, too :) I was motivated and spent a lot of time doing housework and staying on my feet this morning. I've had my moments, and the first few hours of the morning was really hard, but I got through. I'm planning on upping my intake slowly, first to 1,000-1,500, and then up on an as-needed basis. I don't need to go straight to 2,500, gain 2kg every week, and not be able to stop it.

Mum and Brother are being so, so supportive <3 Brother has been at a seminar for the SES all weekend, and out of range, so he didn't know & hadn't seen me yesterday. I love my family, really.

Doctor's tomorrow at 10:45am. Wish me luck that I actually get there.

Snack: Black coffee.
Breakfast: Half a wholemeal muffin with LF cheese, bacon & egg white. Weight-Wise oats made with skim milk, water, brown sugar & cinnamon. Cantaloupe. Black coffee.
Lunch: Burgen Wholemeal & Seeds toast with Vegemite & FF cheese. Diet Coke. FF yoghurt.
Snack: Apple Digestive Balance muesli.
Snack: Homemade banana-bran bread w/ LF canola spread. Black coffee.
Dinner: Baked potato w/ LF canola spread, LF cheese, bacon & chives. Cos LF Caesar side salad. Diet Coke. Frozen strawberry yoghurt.
Snack: Air-popped popcorn. Nutella.
Snack: Hot chocolate.

Total Intake: 915 calories
Burnt running: 213
Burnt doing housework: 273

Much love to all you wonderful girls <3<3

A special shout-out to Klaudia: I got your comment in my inbox, but I went to reply and couldn't find it. Thank you for your comment, lovely <3 Every bit of support I get helps me through, so it means a lot to me :)

xxBella

Recovery(?), here we go

I had a breakdown first thing this morning, but I got through it with Mum's help. The plan for today is 1,000-1,500 calories, as clean and healthy as possible. 15-30 mins running, 5-15mins cardio boxing, maybe a little yoga. I'm scared. I don't have a physical problem eating that much food, but it's just horrifying to face. Aiming for 200-300 calorie meals, and 100-200 calorie snacks (900-1,500 calories total).

I will not get fat. I will reach 52-55kg, with less fat than I had last time I was at that weight, then maintain until I'm ready (if I ever am). I can lose it all again in a month, anyway, and then my body would actually have something to lose.

I need Eva (my ED psychiatrist) to help me like I need fucking air in my lungs. I'm so scared she won't bother, because it didn't work last time, or she'll ITO me because I've left hospitals and doctor's care AMA a few too many times. I just want her to try to help me. She actually cares. You can see it in her face and hear it in her voice. I saw her once briefly last November when I was in hospital, but I wasn't medically stable enough to get outpatient care, so nothing ever happened because I didn't want to go inpatient. But she just had this look on her face... You can see that she cares.

Eat Clean, Train Mean, Stay Lean

xxBella

Saturday, 16 June 2012

This was me at 55kg, which is the lowest weight I can get to before the pressure stops to gain more, and it would go into my hands to gain or maintain. I'm a little skinny-fat, but not fat, right? And since I'm going to start toning, I hopefully won't be quite that big.

I just want to get psych help, but the system is fucked, and it isn't available until you reach a healthy(er) weight. BMI 15-16 is the minimum, which is 52-55kg for someone as tall as I am (185cm/6'1").

I think I can deal with this weight, and if the psych help works, I'll go from there.

I can always just lose it all again...

Recovery?

Today was a big day for me. Very emotional, very intense, in our little household. I think I've reached 'that point'. I'm weak all the time. My vitals fall each day. I'm on death's doorstep. This isn't a joke. I'm weak and miserable. I was happy with my body before I knew the numbers.

My goal is 52-55kg. This is a BMI between 14-16, which is when my psych though I could get psych help last time around (though I was too far gone to take it). I don't want to die. I don't want to be miserable. My Eating Disorder is out of control.

I don't want to get fat.

I want to:
  • Eat clean, 1,000-2,000 cal a day

  • Train hard. Endurance running, yoga, and getting back to boxing are my first ports of call

  • Build muscle up to 55kg/120lb (BMI 16.0). This is when the pressure comes off from my psych to keep gaining weight. I'm okay with 55kg

  • Focus on optimal Health & Fitness, so I can be a good example

  • I just want to be happy. No number on the scales will ever be low enough. I accept this, too


I feel weak for 'giving up', but it's either Recovery or death or Involuntary Treatment (to prevent death & force recovery).

I've always wanted to do this off my own back when I felt I was ready. I think I am. It might stick, it might not. But I want to try. I want to channel my exercise & diet obsessions into optimal health. I want to be healthy, but I want to stay skinny. At a BMI of 16, this is definitely possible, especially if I build muscle.

I am sick and tired, of being sick and tired.

I want to be normal

I made a GP appointment for first thing Monday. I'm miserable, and it's either suicide or recovery right now. Four kilos until I can avoid hospital.

Mirror vs Scales

The scales make me feel like a fat, worthless, disgusting, weak piece of shit. The mirror, surprisingly, does not.

This is why I stopped weighing myself. I was happy with my weight when I didn't know what it was :-/

Had my first apple just before, after putting it off for hours. Gonna keep trying to get some form of food going in, and hope I don't end up cracking and overeating. I need to be 47.0 tomorrow so I can eat enough to being my glucose levels & stores back up. That's pathetic as it is - only 1kg in a week :(

Gonna go back to moping on the couch now.

xxBella

Blood Sugar Levels

Quick lesson on BSL numbers, kids, do I can just post numbers:
  • 4.0 - 8.0 is normal, and where it should be at any point during the day (fasting glucose or straight after a meal included), though ideally below 6.5

  • When I was told I should've been unconscious (when I found I had issues with BSL), my sugars were between 2.2 & 2.5

  • Everyone is different. My sugars are optimal at 5.5 - 6.5. Anything below 5.0 and I start feeling it.

  • Anything below 4.0 and I have trouble walking without losing vision, getting very dizzy and feeling fairly ill.

  • Anything below 3.5, and I start to faint and fall over, become confused and disoriented, I start shaking/convulsive when I walk, and I have trouble walking for more than 30 seconds. I sleep most of the time. Technically, this is when an ambulance should be called/my mother should take me to hospital - no exceptions (unless I eat enough to raise them soon).


My sugar levels are 3.6 this morning. I'm having trouble convincing myself to put something in my mouth. Gonna wait it out another hour or so, and carpe appetit (my own saying - 'cease the appetite ;)') at the slightest feeling of hunger, and chow down some apple.

xxBella

Friday, 15 June 2012

Slow (& intake June 15th)

Not much to report today. I had a really slow morning because I was feeling pretty blue, then caught up on sleep a little (I've been getting five hours for the last three nights). Had my three meals, and didn't snack at all. I was still feeling sad/weak/tempted, so I had some soup and some more yoghurt for dinner (I don't have my whipped jelly on hand at the moment).

I so badly need to see 46 on the scale on Sunday. I'm hoping that my sugars will hold out for tomorrow. They're falling today, and close to dropping out of the normal range. I'm scared every day that I'm going to hypo and end up in hospital. I'll probably fall out of the normal range tomorrow, but I need to stay strong and wait it out. I'll eat a little more if I need to, but usually turns into overeating :-/

So the plan for tomorrow: eat at least 5 times, and have something whenever my sugars fall below the 'normal' range. On Sunday, I can eat.

Breakfast: frozen strawberry yoghurt, peppermint tea (28)
Lunch: diced apple, oolong tea (24)
Dinner: noodle soup, frozen strawberry yoghurt (48)
Snacks: coffee x2 (8), hot chocolate (25)

Total Intake: 133 calories

Love to you all <3

xxBella

Fat and depressed

Feeling depressed and weak this morning. Curling up with a frozen strawberry yoghurt and a giant (750ml/24oz) cup of peppermint tea. Binge prevention successful (so far...), for only 28 calories.

47.2

A little bummed out. I was 47.0 on Wednesday morning. I guess 0.2 isn't much to gain from a 1,500 day, but I had a fucking 150 day yesterday. AND ran for two damn hours. Ugh. I hate the fact that my body doesn't seem to understand exercise >.<

I'm just scared I won't be able to get the weight off. This is why I stopped weighing myself. My body feels like its given up on losing weight. I just feel exhausted all the time. I want to lose weight slowly, but my mind goes into overdrive, and I'm failing if I'm not dropping a kilo a day, which I know is ridiculous.

I was 48.0kg on Sunday 10th. I want to be at least 46.5 this Sunday. Well, I want to be 46.0, but that's just me being hopeful :(

I just get horribly depressed when I don't see the number tumbling down every day.

Bright side is... If I gained a kilo during my high-cal day (I normally gain at least a kilo), I lost 0.8kg today... I wish that I lost all the weight from the high-cal day, but oh well. Next weigh in Sunday.

Thursday, 14 June 2012

Let's do this thing

I always love the day after a high-cal day. My sugar levels are up, and I'm ready to kick some butt! I'm hoping to be back to 47.0 tomorrow when I weigh myself (I didn't today), but I'll settle for 47.5. Regardless, I should be hitting 46kg in the next few days, and below to 99lb (45.3kg) next week!

I had my first coffee pretty early today, and got straight on the trainer. I didn't hit the wall, but I did half an hour. I never want to get too into a run too early, in case mum wakes up and I feel rude because I want to run a marathon right now! So I banked it at half an hour. When mum went back to bed and I'd had another coffee, my sugars had dropped substantially (lol, fuck my life!). So I went for another half hour run to see what would happen, and I was pretty dead on my feet. The upside to this is that I means I shouldn't have too much glycogen from yesterday stored, which will show on the scales.

About to have my first apple, then maybe a little more running. Fuck hypoglycemia.

Hope you all have/had lovely days <3

xxBella

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

iTunes U

Okay, so for y'all who don't know - I didn't finish high school. I have Year 9, but then I was too sick to study (many other things before Ana). And you may know that I want to be a nutritionist, potentially an internal medicine doctor one day (like an endo). This is quite a feat when I haven't studied since I was 14, really. I know a hell of a lot because I've self-studied all my life, but my study severely lacks the structure I crave.

Today when Brother & I were discussing courses for me to look into for next year, he mentioned iTunes U, and I jumped on it.

It looks pretty basic (most of the things I've skimmed over ring loud bells), but it's gonna be so good to get some more structure in my studies until next year!

xxBella

Tea & Apples meal plan

Yesterday went so well, I'm gonna trial this for a few days, starting tomorrow :) To try to keep my blood sugars up, I'm going to be eating a hell of a lot of apples. First off, apples (like most fruit) have a low GI - 38. So they're a good option for me to eat small amounts constantly.

I always eat the same weight of specific fruits. I don't know why. It's just easier. So that's why my diced apple will always come in at 24, in case anyone's wondering!

My plan is to have my little bowl of diced apple (24 calories) with a cup of tea (most likely oolong) whenever I'm hungry, or my sugars are low. I will have up to ten mini-meals a day (240 calories), which would be one every hour from 8am-6pm! So I doubt I'll need that much, but it all depends on my sugar levels.

If I feel weak/in need of a warm meal, I can have my chicken noodle soup (20) and whipped jelly with whipped cream (15), or something similar. Also, my standard hot chocolate (25) at night, and coffees (3-12).

There is no way I can break 300 cal if I stick to my plan. 200 is what I'm comfortable with, but I need to take care of my poor body a little.

Also, cutting down on running :( This massively sucks. I have developed a genuine love for exercise and running in particular since I've been sick, far beyond weight loss reasons. I need to run. I'll do 15-30 minutes a day, along with a blast the morning after a high-cal day, and see how that goes, but I doubt I'll be running 2 hours a day any time again soon.

I bought a dozen tiny Golden Delicious apples today, so I'm all set for tomorrow <3

xxBella

Wrap your hands around my thigh...

'scuse the bruise!

xxBella

47.0

Weight today: 47.0
Lost since yesterday: 0.8kg
Lost since Sunday: 1.0kg

I've earnt a high cal day. Will whittle down to 46kg by Sunday for a 2kg weekly loss.

Love you all

xxBella

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Apple fast (and intake June 12)

So today was practically an (unplanned) apple fast. I hope it shows on the scales tomorrow, even though I didn't run (again, sugar levels). I watched my blood sugars like a hawk today. Seriously - I've tested them 11 times, and will test at least once more before bed. I ate some apple whenever they dropped below my comfort levels. I made it, though :)

I was 47.8kg this morning. Hoping for 47.5kg tomorrow! :)

My plan at the moment is to have a high-calorie day, followed by 1-3 low calorie days. If I cut back on my running (though I'll still pound it after my high-cal day), I should be able to keep my sugars out of hypoglycemia range. My aim is to weigh less after the low-cal days than before the high-cal day. So if I'm 47.5 tomorrow, and gain from my high-cal day, I need to be at/below 47.5 before my next high-cal day. (I'm stupidly excited for my high-cal day tomorrow... I'm gonna be up all night obsessing over the foods I'm going to eat!)

I also slugged down four liters of water today. Normally I only do three!

God, I hope I'm 47.5 tomorrow.

Breakfast: diced apple, oolong tea (24)
Lunch: diced apple, oolong tea (24)
Dinner: diced apple, oolong tea (24)
Snacks: diced apple x2 (48), oolong tea (0), coffee x2 (6), hot chocolate (25)

Total Intake: 151 calories

47.8kg

Weighed in this morning 0.2kg lighter than Sunday :) This is after a 1,300 cal day, then a 200! Sugar levels are normal this morning - let's try to keep it that way. Lots of apples for me!

Always look on the bright side of life

xxBella

When I grow up, I want to be a doctor

No, seriously. For the last year at least, my only career plans have been that I want to be a doctor (a complete swing from historical reproduction!). My brother's been keeping an eye out for online-based Uni courses for me next year. I used to want to be a nutritionist, but now I'm thinking of internal medicine - like an endocrinologist. I love my endo team in hospital. I sit in bed with my notebook scribbling madly while they talk to me, like I'm taking notes. I spend hours a day reading not about how to lose weight, but how our bodies react to nutrition and what goes on beneath the surface. It's so much deeper than what nutritionists go into. My mum and brother have no idea what I'm on about when I read them my mini-thesis' about fiber absorption or glycogeneogenisis, or whatever I'm learning about today. They both really like the idea of me studying nutrition and/or medicine. They know it's 24/7 in my head, and how much I research and know about it already.

Anyone else who just really wants to be a doctor?

Monday, 11 June 2012

I want to give up.

I am so depressed tonight. So, so depressed. I can't restrict anymore. I can't lose weight anymore. My body isn't holding up to it. I'm lucky to make it two days restricting before I'm hypoglycemic, even after multiple days of overeating to raise my sugars and build up stores.

Ever since I first had issues with hypoglycemia last November, I haven't been able to restrict. It started when I didn't eat for two weeks. Not fasting, I just was too scared to eat, or have more than 2 calories of weak coffee a day, and I didn't think I'd make it out of it. I went to hospital and was admitted with a blood glucose level of 2.2. I was rushed to a a bed and told I should've been unconscious. I tried to eat, but it didn't last long. Whenever I restricted, my sugars would fall. My eating disorder would restrict my carb consumption to keep my sugars under 3.5. I would only eat if they fell into the 2s, and it would be one 20-calorie mint. After a while, I started eating more, and gaining weight. Whenever I try to restrict to even 300 calories, my sugars fall and within days I need to overeat to replenish my sugars. But then the next day I run until I hit the wall. Bye bye, glycogen. And even if I don't, I can't make it two or three days on 200 calories before I need to overeat.

Girls. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I can't keep my sugars stable and lose weight at the same time. I can barely keep them stable and maintain my weight. My body is giving up. If I went a week restricting under 200 calories, I would most definetly end up in hospital. I most definetly do not  want to end up in hospital. If I go without my own psych, the dickhead hospital psych will ITO me again (off to the EDU in Melbourne). If I go with my own psych, she'll see the need to ITO me (again, off to lockup). I can't get help. I can't even see my GP. I can't lose weight. I can't restrict. I can't keep my sugar levels high enough. I just can't win.

This is horrible. I feel like a failure because I can't restrict. But I can - my sugars are just preventing me. I feel so horrible all the time. I feel like I should just hurry up and die.

Weighing myself in the morning. Will try checking my sugars every two hours and eating a lot of apples (they're the lowest GI, purest carb safe food I have), but no more than seven. Really, I only have room for maybe 45g of carbohydrates once I allow for my coffees and hot chocolate, under 200 calories. I'll see how I go. Maybe try 300.

Tonight, I just want to die.

Weight (& intake June 11)

Had a horrible day, full of anxiety. Long story short, mum told me my weight. 48.0, the exact fucking same as it was 87 days ago. I was happy, so had a little chocolate. Then I freaked out, but realized my day wasn't ruined. I stayed under 200 regardless.

My sugars are falling. A couple of hours after lunch, they were lower than they were before. Not even an hour after chocolate, and they're lower than they were an hour before.

Fuck my life. I can't win.

Weighing tomorrow, I guess, in case I need a high-cal day for sugars :(

Breakfast: apple, oolong tea (24)
Lunch: apple, oolong tea (24)
Dinner: none
Snacks: coffee x2 (6), fererro rocher (67), hot chocolate (25)

Total intake: 146 calories
Burnt running: 1,080
Burnt doing housework: 70

Good news everyone! (weight)

Emotional afternoon. Mum told me my weight from yesterday.
48.0
Exactly the same as it was last time I weighed.

Lolwut?

So glad I haven't gained :) it was after a liter of water, too!

It's Monday, bitches.

Time to get real.

I ate about 1,200 cal yesterday. Yelch. I ended up taking some senna in the morning, and another lot at night. So that'll kill some water weight & bloating. Today, my goal is the magical number - 200. I want to get a few short runs done later this morning, too.

Mum's going to weigh me next Sunday and tell me if I've gained or lost this week. I frikkin' need to know what my intake does. So from now 'till then, I'm going full-steam ahead. I need to get my shit together.
If I can do well with intake (and know I'm losing weight), I'll be more comfortable to weigh soon. I really don't think I've gained, but I can't risk seeing it. I'm so tempted to ask mum, but the answer won't help me.

Smoothie for breakfast? I think so.

Monday love to you all <3

xxBella

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Any difference? (Opinions needed!)

The photo with shoes on is the end of February (the month I ate 1,200 cal, high protein, and still ran everyday, and gained 7kg). I fucking grew that muscle overnight. Since then, I basically cut protein from my diet (and never within 6 hours, at least, of running) and lowered my intake a hell of a lot. The pic without shoes on is this morning.

Am I crazy, or will this muscle just not fucking shrink?

New Plan - Blind Weight

To keep my sanity (and life), I came up with a new plan. Mum is going to blind weigh me this morning, then next Sunday morning. No numbers, but she will tell me if I've gained or lost over the week. This will (hopefully) give me the peace of mind that my intake is okay, that I can still lose/not gain weight, and will also give me motivation for the week ahead! After a few weeks of hearing 'loss', hopefully I'll have the confidence to know a number without needing to kill myself because I've gained.
...
She just weighed me.
She asked me to get on a second time.

Clearly she's in disbelief at how fat I really am

=_=

Carb load/depressed binge today. Starving and running like mad Monday-Saturday. Apples, soup, jelly, berries, melon, tea, coffee.

This has given me motivation for the next week. 200 cal a day is the limit. For now, I'm going to eat more today than I'm going to in the rest of the week.

Better get it out of the way while I still can.

The Last 96

I have 96 hours to go until I weigh myself - ahhhhhh! I did some measurements last night and they were good, though my waist is a little puffy this morning :( I'm so paranoid about having gained weight. Someone, please, keep me sane! I know I am only responsible for my own actions, and if I gain, it's my fault. But I can't see that number go up. The next four days, I'll hopefully drop a little water weight at least. I need to make this weigh in. Three months without scales is too long for anyone. I kinda want to bring it forward to Tuesday, but I know it's just me being weak.

Oh God, I'm freaking out.

I want to throw my fat fucking guts up.

*cries in a ball*

xxFatAss

Saturday, 9 June 2012

Success (and Intake June 9th)

I ended up having some extra soup for dinner, and a hot chocolate for dessert instead of jelly, because I needed the sugars and have the calories to spare. My sugar levels still aren't great, but they're in the low-end of normal. I'm gonna do my sugars every morning (at least) to keep an eye on it until Thursday.

When I wake up, it'll only be four days until I weigh myself (making 13 weeks without weighing). It seems crazy after so long. I'm so nervous. I doubt I've gained, but you never know. I hope to be 45kg/99lb when I weigh (I was 48.0kg last time). I weighed over the magical 100lb a few months back :( Ew, Ew, Ew! I hate even thinking about it. The 50kg mark better never come near me again!

Breakfast: apple, oolong tea (24)
Lunch: (not much) Shirataki & tomato, whipped jelly with whipped cream, peppermint tea (17)
Dinner: noodle soup, hot chocolate (55)
Snacks: black coffee x2 (7), watermelon & strawberries (20), hot chocolate (25)

Total intake: 148 calories
Burnt running: 216 (didn't want to push it with my sugar levels)
Burnt doing housework: 158
Net intake: -226

xxBella

Shirataki - woooo!

I've been craving pasta like no tomorrow lately. I haven't had any in nearly two months because it makes me bloat (last time my waist bloated 4" in a few bites!). Gluten-free pasta may be an option, but it's not the same. If it's not the same, I might as well eat Shirataki, and at least avoid the calories.

I made some insanely low-cal Shirataki Bolognese for lunch. Normally, I keep it for stir-fries because the texture doesn't seem pasta-like enough. I tried a new brand today that I've had in the fridge for months - SlimPasta. The angel hair is normal Shirataki, though the spaghetti has small amounts of oatmeal & soybean flour. It's still mostly konjac (and therefore still minimal calories), but the texture is much better! So I whipped up some sauce with tinned tomatoes, stock, onion, garlic & spices. Wasn't half bad! The more textures you have, though, the less you notice the Shirataki texture.

I didn't eat it all because I wasn't overly hungry, but it cured my pasta craving! :D

On track for a perfect <200 day :)

xxBella

Back on Top

I'm back on top of things today! Tested my sugar levels just now. They just frikkin' normal. Hopefully after an apple or yoghurt and a run they'll come back up. I might aim a little higher for calories today, and have some grain toast for lunch... But only if I need it and my sugars are dropping.

I scratched my chest up pretty badly yesterday. And hit my hand & wrist. My wrist really swelled up, and my knuckles are just becoming larger and rounder and filled with fluid, and they ache all the time. At least it's better than cutting/burning/hitting my head, right? (not that the latter's stopped anyway) :-/

Gonna prepare a couple of little watermelon & strawberry fruit salads for the day, just so I have something on hand. Also have to whip more jelly! I think I'm going to have a slow day again today, just because I can. Hope I can keep my sugars in better check today!

Stay strong

xxBella

Friday, 8 June 2012

Hypoglycemia

Having such a low intake these past three or four days has been amazing, but this morning I'm paying the price. I woke up feeling quite tired, shaky, anxious, and just weird in general. Did my blood sugar levels just now (two hours after getting up) and I'm on the fast track to a hypo attack. My sugars have dropped to a dangerous level. I eat basically pure carbs and don't waste calories on protein anymore, because my sugar levels are more essential. And I'm still hypoglycemic after four days of restricting. Fuck my life.

Looks like fat ass can't run today unless she wants to end up in hospital.
Looks like fat ass has to eat too much today unless she wants to end up in hospital.

This is why I haven't been able to fucking restrict properly since my admissions in November & December last year. If I go back to 50 calories a day, I'll be in hospital in maybe 3 days. Even at 200 calories I'd be lucky to make a week without a full-blown hypo attack.

Wish me luck, guys :-/

xxBella

EDIT: Just went back through my obs book. The only time my BSL has been below normal this year was after a one day smoothie fast (where I had 15g carb). Before that, not since the middle of January when I was eating 100 cal, and my ED was restricting my blood sugar levels to keep my sugars below 3.5. Hooray. Now waiting for someone to wake up and yell at me to eat something, because I sure as hell can't make the decision to :(

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Thin day/Intake June 7th

Pre-workout: apple, oolong tea (24)
Breakfast: apple, oolong tea (24)
Lunch: none
Dinner: chicken noodle soup, whipped jelly with whipped cream (35)
Snacks: black coffee x2 (8), hot chocolate (25)

Total intake: 116 calories
Burnt running: 1,296
Burnt doing housework: 175
Total burn: 1,471

I got up early this morning, and had an early breakfast. Then I pumped it on the elliptical for half an hour! :) Coffee, more running, more running... 90 minutes! I'd burnt 1,300 cal by 8am, then went out and did some clothes shopping.

Today has been amazing. Low intake, high burn, amazing confidence. My arms are tiny, my legs are tiny, my stomach is tiny, I finally fit my damn hips into a tiny size six. I feel thin today, and I did yesterday too. If I can keep my intake at a good level for the next week, weigh in will be amazing next Thursday.

Made some noodle soup - the recipe I've posted up here before :) So that's my dinners sorted for the next week. I also balled up some watermelon so its good to go in the fridge! I feel prepared for low intakes in the next week, save one or two 500 days.

I just want to push harder.

Spare no means of torture.

xxBella

Size Six!

Just got back from another trip to Kmart (the only place I can find size 6). I have a size six skirt! And it fits! I've worn size six tops for ages, but thought my hips would never shrink below an 8. Now the next challenge - finding any size four (Australian). I looked up size 0 & 00 measurements, and according to that I'd fit a 00 with an inch to spare! :)

I love life today.

xxBella

Lying down Thigh Gap!

Wheee ^___^ After I went back up to 48kg, I didn't have this gap anymore. It's bigger if I tense my thighs, but then they get all tendon-y. They're still 1/2"-1" bigger than they used to be, but que sera sera.

Sorry for the mini pic spam, I'm just feeling good about myself today and want to document it ^^,

Tiny Arms

^_^

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

I feel thin

My size 6 (Australian) tops feel loose, but I've never seen a size 4, and I've only found four size 6 tops before. I'm gonna buy a size 6 skirt soon, and hope my damn hips will fit into it. I can wrap my hand comfortably around my upper arm. I can wrap both hands comfortably around any part of my thigh. Oh, and I have a thigh gap when I lie on my side with my knees together. Still weight to lose, but I should be at 45kg/99lb when I weigh next Thursday.

Going to sleep feeling thin. Goodnight lovelies <3

Intake June 6th

Nibbled on lots of little things this afternoon because I came home early. CBF listing everything tonight. Pretty tired. Gonna be up & running early tomorrow! :)

Total intake: 391
Total burn: 440 (216 running)
Net intake: -49

xxBella

Bother-Waste-Worthless

Depressed. Stabbed my thigh with a fork several times, head and chest with pen... Hit a tin of tomatoes against my head until it wouldn't dint any further, and hit my head against a wood door. I'm sure there's more, but that's all I remember. Screamed and cried to my mother about how I'm a waste of everyone's time, a waste of food, a bother.

This is why I'm making bookings to inspect apartments. I need to stop being a bother and a waste, I need to be alone. I told my mum this, and she said she just wants to take care of me. But last time I was in hospital with the asshole head psychiatrist on my case, he made me feel like even more of a bother to everyone - my family, the hospital, him, the world - and it's stuck.

He said I need to 'release' my mum from her carer's role, that I manipulate her and we have a bad relationship. (I should note that mum said it was a crock of shit, but still)
He said that it was wrong to give me a glucose drip overnight so I wouldn't go into a hypoglycemic coma, because I wouldn't eat enough carbs to hold my sugar levels anyway, that it was like giving a credit card to someone with a gambling addiction (the outcome? My medical team said it was crucial. I refused because of the psych. I went home and came back 5 days later - hypoglycemic and on verge of stroke). There's so much more, but he just made me feel like a waste of time/breath/hospital bed/food/love/everything. If you guys go to hospital, make sure you get an ED psych, general psychs just don't get it at all :'(

Booking an apartment inspection first thing tomorrow.

xxBella

Dreamland

I feel really positive about today. Might do a short run this morning, but nothing too long. I'm gonna buy some stuff to make some Spring Vegetable Soup so I don't have to eat tinned shit tonight. Also going to roll up plenty of ciggies today so it's not just 'easier' to have a cone (don't know if I've said specifically, but I smoke weed. Only 1g a day at the moment, but trying to stop again) than roll a cigarette.

200 cal is the goal again today. I need to go hard for the next week.

I saw a couple of apartments I really like, in a beautiful complex I've always liked, on the highway. I already live on a main road, so traffic noise doesn't bother me. And they're really old apartments (think: dado walls, huge rooms, old empty fireplaces, musty carpet, small but practical galley kitchen). It's perfect for me, and it's damn cheap because of location and age. Mum & Brother both balked at the location and/or age (Brother looked at the same place with his girlfriend not long ago), but I would thrive.

Dreamland, coming up. (I've thought/talked about Dreamland since becoming sick. Basically, a love-nest for Anorexia & I. This is it.)

My hands looked like butterfly wings this morning, I think. I'm obsessed with my hands. 'scuse the icky skin flap on my arm :(

xxBella

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Intake 5th June - Wonderful day :)

Breakfast: diced apple, oolong tea (24)
Lunch: diced apple (38)
Dinner: tinned vegetable soup, whipped jelly & cream, peppermint tea (42)
Snacks: black coffee x3 (12), hot chocolate (25)

Total intake: 141
Burnt running: 432
Burnt doing housework/walking: 168
Total burn: 600
Net intake: -459

Went to a different supermarket and found the soup I wanted! Plain old vegetable :) I persisted and didn't fall into temptation just because my dinner plans fell through. Triumph for the day :) I'm so happy with my intake today. If I can get at least 5 really good days like today before the 13th, and my bad days not over 1,000, I'll be ready to weigh on the 14th. 45kg or below? I hope so! (was 48kg last time, but don't think I've lost too much)

Just had dinner, and will have my hot chocolate soon. No more food tonight for this skinny minny!

At the moment, I feel like I can't decide whether I need someone to hold on to tightly and never let go, or to be utterly alone. I'm leaning towards the latter. If I can't have someone to love me and hold me and never let me go, I want to be completely isolated. Yeah, I kinda work in extremes. I really need to bite the bullet and get working on finding my own apartment. Then I can be alone with my eating disorder, and no looming fears of hospital beds and doctors and Involuntary Treatment Orders. I wouldn't be able to do Recovery without that extra support, anyway, so I'm flinging myself down the Rabbit Hole. First, I need to quit smoking so I have enough money to do so. Planning that for June 14th, too (it's a big date for me).


Sending love, positive thoughts, and good vibrations to all you lovely ladies <3

xxBella

Measurement Stats

Just realised I haven't properly posted my full measurements yet!

Height: 6'1"/185cm

Bust: 29"
Waist: 22"
Hips: 31"
Neck: 11.5"
Thigh (top): 16.5"
Thigh (bottom): 12"
Calf (top): 11.5"
Ankle: 7.5"
Upper arm (top): 8.5"
Upper arm (elbow): 7.5"
Forearm (elbow): 8"
Wrist: 5"

I can do it!

Plan for today is 200. Gonna go for a short run this morning to get my burn up, but I really need to rest today. I'm so exhausted all the time, I want to catch up on sleep this week and take it easy. My plans for today are:
  • Re-read Wasted

  • Do some puzzle books

  • Make some meal plans

  • Plan my intake to measure on the 13th

  • Paint my nails


I really have trouble sitting on my butt, is my problem. And what I love to do is cook for others, so I need to pull the reins in these next couple of days.

Woke up in the middle of the night, ran to the toilet, and puked my guts out before I could blink. My body is just rebelling against bad foods, whether they make me insanely bloated or sick. We thought it was a gluten intolerance, but it's usually pasta/noodles/pizza/dense foods that bloats me (instantly) as far as wheat goes, not cakes or breads or 'airy things'. Then random things started making me sick. The most I can eat without feeling ill is my fruit, soups, and 'clean' foods. It's a blessing, but even the smallest amount of 'bad' food to treat myself is just painful and horrible.

Stay strong

xxBella

Monday, 4 June 2012

Intake 4th June

Messed up a little earlier tonight. Bought a few of chocolate bars at reception to 'celebrate' my measurement drop. Oops. 500 calories later... :-/

Back on track straight away, though - that's the important part.

Total intake: 683
Burnt from housework: 408
Net intake: 275

Below is a pic of my supplies for the next few days. Wish me luck.

EDIT: Ended up purging the chocolate because my stomach just couldn't handle it, and I had to get it out. Ick. :(

Measurements :)

Going away to restrict really doesn't work. I plan all these distractions to take with me, and things to do, but after half an hour of sitting I just want to get to work in the kitchen. It's happened every time I've gone away. I thought without J it might be different, but I was wrong :-/

So I did my measurements early.

In 13 days, I've lost 1.75" (between 12 measurements)! :D 0.5" from both my waist and my ankle, and 0.25" each from my upper arm (top), upper arm (bottom) and wrist (now 5" flat!!) I lost the same as I did in the previous fortnight, giving a 3.5" total loss in 27 days. So happy, I could cry :') So did not expect such a big loss this fortnight.

My total measurements are now only 0.5" bigger than at my lowest measurements. Bring on the next fortnight!

So I may use my nights away to have a sordid affair with food, or I might not. I'm just gonna roll with the punches :)

Happy Monday everyone!

xxBella

Current Meal Plan

My current meal plan seems to be:
Breakfast: Diced Golden Delicious Apple, Oolong tea (24)
Lunch: Diced Golden Delicious Apple, Oolong tea (24-40)
Dinner: Homemade meatless lamb broth, veggie & lentil soup, whipped jelly with whipped cream, peppermint tea (49)
Snacks: Black coffee x3 (12), Watermelon & Strawberry fruit salad (20), Hot Chocolate (25)

Sometimes I have two fruit salads, or an extra hot chocolate, but this is basically it at the moment. Usually around 200-300cal. I'm on a real apple kick at the moment, but still trying to get a little variety in.

xxBella

Fuck Average

I've never really been 'Average', and certainly not to this extent!

My bodybuilder mate (who obsesses similarly to how I do) posted this picture up from a newspaper, saying how the 'average' Australian is fat, and needs to show some pride and hit the gym.

He's pretty awesome :) Before I started my blog (a week ago - woo!) he was the only person I know who understands food & weight obsessions. Funnily enough, he's actually a nurse at the hospital I was inpatient in - though in the psych ward on the floor below the ED ward (though I've still never met him). Small world!

Fuck Fat. Fuck Food. Fuck Average. Fuck Australia.

xxBella

Sunday, 3 June 2012

Having a really hard couple of days. Ended up eating about 800 cal yesterday, which isn't too bad I guess. Shouldn't have gained. Though today is gonna be my first day over 1,000 in 3 months, but I'm not beating myself up too badly. Tomorrow or Tuesday I'm going away for 3 nights for a break.
I'm taking:
  • 4-6 apples

  • a wedge of watermelon

  • a punnet of strawberries

  • a box of frozen strawberries
  • 2 cups of soup

  • two single-serve tubs of non-fat yoghurt

  • two cups of skim milk (for smoothies)

  • 3 SF jellies

  • and tea/coffee

So I'll have 800-900 cal with me total. I doubt I'll eat it all - it's mostly to ensure both variety or singularity if what I eat. But if I do, I'll still lose weight while I'm away. Won't have Internet except on my phone, so I may be lazy with blogging due to the cost of that.

Lose weight, gain happiness, all that.

Measurements when I come home from my little break on Thursday or Friday morning.

Hope you're all feeling brighter than I am.

xxBella

Friday, 1 June 2012

Recipe: Chicken Noodle Soup (58 cal a cup!)

For the first day of Winter, I thought it'd be nice to share one of my soup recipes! I created this one when my mum & I had colds and chest infections earlier this year. This is a very filling, very noodley soup! I normally water 1/3 cup down to a 1/2 cup serve.

Please note, I do most things in weights, but attempt to convert to volume for simplicity's sake.

Chicken Noodle Soup


Makes 2 cups. 58 calories a cup.

Ingredients


  • 3/4 medium carrot, diced

  • 1/2 cup diced parsnip

  • 1/4 cup diced onion (frozen is handy for onions!)

  • 1/8 cup frozen peas

  • 1 clove garlic

  • 1 vegetable stock cube

  • 1 chicken stock cube

  • 1/8 cup uncooked filini (short, thin pasta - any will do. My filini adds 39 cal to the recipe)

Method


Sauté onion and garlic on water until onion is clear and aromatic. Add the rest of the vegetables, and cook for 3-5 minutes. Add water and both stock cubes, and bring it to the boil. I like to let it simmer a good 10-15 minutes, then add the filini pasta, and cook for another 5-10 minutes.

Tip:

If you make it a day early, all the noodles absorb the liquid, and give it a more-noodle-than-soup texture. Feel free to add diced chicken breast to if, too. I just don't particularly eat much protein.


Do try it, and let me know what you think! :)

xxBella