The doctor doesn't care if I gain weight. Not important. Since I've made 'so much progress as it is' Also, neither is seeing a psych. I can sort out the problems in my head myself
Two big burns on my wrist & hand. I want to die.
Also, no 'come see me next week' or anything. No plan. I'm on my own. no blood tests ordered. Last time I saw her I needed bloods, come back tomorrow, bloods, come back tomorrow, hospital. I was 1kg lighter then.
If I don't need to gain weight and I don't need psych help, I don't need help. What the hell am I doing? I don't need to eat. I'm not thin enough or 'sick enough' to need help.
EDIT: three hours later, and mum got a call back from the doctor. Fuck her. Mum gave me her appointment with her dietician (who I'm getting a referral to as well) at 9:10 tomorrow morning. I need someone to tell me to gain weight, and give me a plan :(
I'm not going to pretend to know much about the medical system where you are, but it seems to be a common theme that psychiatric care, especially for EDs, is pretty universally fucked.
ReplyDeleteJust remember that there was a reason that you wanted to recover. I know it's hard when what's sitting in front of you is screaming at you to do the opposite of what you set out to do, but keep your old motivation. If it helps, try reminding yourself that the only reason you're even able to keep contemplating whether or not recovery is for you is because you took the first steps to recover. Read your old blog posts--you were on the edge of death, and you knew it. You wanted recovery. You wanted life. You can do this, if you still want to. I know you can. You're so incredibly strong.
Hang in there.
<3