Saturday, 16 June 2012


Today was a big day for me. Very emotional, very intense, in our little household. I think I've reached 'that point'. I'm weak all the time. My vitals fall each day. I'm on death's doorstep. This isn't a joke. I'm weak and miserable. I was happy with my body before I knew the numbers.

My goal is 52-55kg. This is a BMI between 14-16, which is when my psych though I could get psych help last time around (though I was too far gone to take it). I don't want to die. I don't want to be miserable. My Eating Disorder is out of control.

I don't want to get fat.

I want to:
  • Eat clean, 1,000-2,000 cal a day

  • Train hard. Endurance running, yoga, and getting back to boxing are my first ports of call

  • Build muscle up to 55kg/120lb (BMI 16.0). This is when the pressure comes off from my psych to keep gaining weight. I'm okay with 55kg

  • Focus on optimal Health & Fitness, so I can be a good example

  • I just want to be happy. No number on the scales will ever be low enough. I accept this, too

I feel weak for 'giving up', but it's either Recovery or death or Involuntary Treatment (to prevent death & force recovery).

I've always wanted to do this off my own back when I felt I was ready. I think I am. It might stick, it might not. But I want to try. I want to channel my exercise & diet obsessions into optimal health. I want to be healthy, but I want to stay skinny. At a BMI of 16, this is definitely possible, especially if I build muscle.

I am sick and tired, of being sick and tired.


  1. Good luck. I'm so happy for you taking control of your life and not letting your ED stop you from being happy and healthy. Best of luck, I really hope it works for you.
    Will you still be using your blog if you seek recovery? I'll miss you if not, but seriously I'm so happy for you.

  2. Thanks hun <3 I'm still going to blog - I need an outlet. I'm so fucking scared. But I can always go back. And I'm in control of eating & exercise this time. I don't have to go over 55kg if I don't want to. I can do that as long as I eat clean & build lean muscle mass. I can always go back. 55kg is 14kg above my low weight, and 8kg away from where I am today. I can gain or lose that in 6-8 weeks. I can always come back, if I fail at Recovery. If this doesn't work, it's the end of my road, and I'll just retreat and starve. I'm at my wits end :(

    Sorry, I sorta rambled at you there! xx

  3. I am so happy that you want to do this, I have so much faith in you that you can do this.. you are strong and if you truly want to become happy and healthy I am sure that you can do it.. <3 Much love, whatever you decide you have my support x

  4. I just started reading your blog a few days ago, and I was worried about you because you really seem like a very nice person. You are a caring, motivated, genuine person.I know you can become a doctor, or anything you want because you have the motivation that many people lack. You just need to use it for the right things :)I've been reading your blog any chance I get, and I'm very happy that this is the last one. Now I can follow your journey and you can always count on my support.I am also trying to lose weight but I don't want to get sick because I know there's people here that care about me, and I don't want to hurt anyone. I am especially talking about my mom, I have a close relationship with her, just like you do with your mom.It just breaks my heart when she's worried about me.I don't have a blog and I never comment either but I follow some. I think I found you through little piggy's blog (size zero intentions).I might get my own blog soon, but for now, I'm Klaudia :)