Recovery?

Today was a big day for me. Very emotional, very intense, in our little household. I think I've reached 'that point'. I'm weak all the time. My vitals fall each day. I'm on death's doorstep. This isn't a joke. I'm weak and miserable. I was happy with my body before I knew the numbers.

My goal is 52-55kg. This is a BMI between 14-16, which is when my psych though I could get psych help last time around (though I was too far gone to take it). I don't want to die. I don't want to be miserable. My Eating Disorder is out of control.

I don't want to get fat.

I want to:

• Eat clean, 1,000-2,000 cal a day


• Train hard. Endurance running, yoga, and getting back to boxing are my first ports of call


• Build muscle up to 55kg/120lb (BMI 16.0). This is when the pressure comes off from my psych to keep gaining weight. I'm okay with 55kg


• Focus on optimal Health & Fitness, so I can be a good example


• I just want to be happy. No number on the scales will ever be low enough. I accept this, too

I feel weak for 'giving up', but it's either Recovery or death or Involuntary Treatment (to prevent death & force recovery).

I've always wanted to do this off my own back when I felt I was ready. I think I am. It might stick, it might not. But I want to try. I want to channel my exercise & diet obsessions into optimal health. I want to be healthy, but I want to stay skinny. At a BMI of 16, this is definitely possible, especially if I build muscle.

I am sick and tired, of being sick and tired.