Monday, 11 June 2012

I want to give up.

I am so depressed tonight. So, so depressed. I can't restrict anymore. I can't lose weight anymore. My body isn't holding up to it. I'm lucky to make it two days restricting before I'm hypoglycemic, even after multiple days of overeating to raise my sugars and build up stores.

Ever since I first had issues with hypoglycemia last November, I haven't been able to restrict. It started when I didn't eat for two weeks. Not fasting, I just was too scared to eat, or have more than 2 calories of weak coffee a day, and I didn't think I'd make it out of it. I went to hospital and was admitted with a blood glucose level of 2.2. I was rushed to a a bed and told I should've been unconscious. I tried to eat, but it didn't last long. Whenever I restricted, my sugars would fall. My eating disorder would restrict my carb consumption to keep my sugars under 3.5. I would only eat if they fell into the 2s, and it would be one 20-calorie mint. After a while, I started eating more, and gaining weight. Whenever I try to restrict to even 300 calories, my sugars fall and within days I need to overeat to replenish my sugars. But then the next day I run until I hit the wall. Bye bye, glycogen. And even if I don't, I can't make it two or three days on 200 calories before I need to overeat.

Girls. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I can't keep my sugars stable and lose weight at the same time. I can barely keep them stable and maintain my weight. My body is giving up. If I went a week restricting under 200 calories, I would most definetly end up in hospital. I most definetly do not  want to end up in hospital. If I go without my own psych, the dickhead hospital psych will ITO me again (off to the EDU in Melbourne). If I go with my own psych, she'll see the need to ITO me (again, off to lockup). I can't get help. I can't even see my GP. I can't lose weight. I can't restrict. I can't keep my sugar levels high enough. I just can't win.

This is horrible. I feel like a failure because I can't restrict. But I can - my sugars are just preventing me. I feel so horrible all the time. I feel like I should just hurry up and die.

Weighing myself in the morning. Will try checking my sugars every two hours and eating a lot of apples (they're the lowest GI, purest carb safe food I have), but no more than seven. Really, I only have room for maybe 45g of carbohydrates once I allow for my coffees and hot chocolate, under 200 calories. I'll see how I go. Maybe try 300.

Tonight, I just want to die.


  1. Hun, that sounds so difficult and stressful to have to worry about your sugar levels and such while still trying to restrict :( I'm so sorry that it's not working out for you. I wanted to stop by to tell you...though I know I struggle also at taking my own advice...there is more out there than this. It's easy for your ED to take over and numbers and everything become LIFE. But it's not. Please be safe. I want you to live and I know other people do too. Don't hesitate to ask for help here. Or feel free to shoot me an email if you'd like <3 Jade

  2. Please don't give up!
    You were the one who told me that losing weight takes time. Don't rush yourself into reaching your UGW. Even if it takes a year, do it slowly.
    Maybe you should try to increase your calorie intake. I know that when you ate 1,200 cal a day you gained weight.
    However, I think that if you increase your intake very slowly too, then your body can adapt and not gain weight.
    By slowly I mean, for example, you eat 200cal/day during one month, then the second month 250cal/day, the third 300cal/day ect... So that your body won't feel an terrible change and will not create fat cells.

    Regarding your hypoglycemia, maybe you should try eating more stuff with sugar (slowburning sugar only!), in the morning. Eating that kind of thing in the morning is the best thing to do because it boots your metabolism, raise your glycemia and it won't affect your weight loss because you have plenty of time in the day to burn it!

    Hope it helped!

    I want to see you smile again !! :)

    1. I only eat carbs, and usually low GI (apples are only 38 GI!). No matter what, though, my sugars still drop within an hour or two of eating. My sugars are normal this morning though, but I'm gonna have an apple whenever I need it (maybe every 2-3 hours) and see how I go. I think I need to cut back on running :(


  3. I'm so sorry. I don't know enough about blood sugar to be able to offer you any advice. Maybe exercise less and concentrate on saving your energy so you can diet? I don't know if that will work but I don't know what else to say.
    Please don't give up, you'll find a way that works for you!