I am so depressed tonight. So, so depressed. I can't restrict anymore. I can't lose weight anymore. My body isn't holding up to it. I'm lucky to make it two days restricting before I'm hypoglycemic, even after multiple days of overeating to raise my sugars and build up stores.
Ever since I first had issues with hypoglycemia last November, I haven't been able to restrict. It started when I didn't eat for two weeks. Not fasting, I just was too scared to eat, or have more than 2 calories of weak coffee a day, and I didn't think I'd make it out of it. I went to hospital and was admitted with a blood glucose level of 2.2. I was rushed to a a bed and told I should've been unconscious. I tried to eat, but it didn't last long. Whenever I restricted, my sugars would fall. My eating disorder would restrict my carb consumption to keep my sugars under 3.5. I would only eat if they fell into the 2s, and it would be one 20-calorie mint. After a while, I started eating more, and gaining weight. Whenever I try to restrict to even 300 calories, my sugars fall and within days I need to overeat to replenish my sugars. But then the next day I run until I hit the wall. Bye bye, glycogen. And even if I don't, I can't make it two or three days on 200 calories before I need to overeat.
Girls. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I can't keep my sugars stable and lose weight at the same time. I can barely keep them stable and maintain my weight. My body is giving up. If I went a week restricting under 200 calories, I would most definetly end up in hospital. I most definetly do not want to end up in hospital. If I go without my own psych, the dickhead hospital psych will ITO me again (off to the EDU in Melbourne). If I go with my own psych, she'll see the need to ITO me (again, off to lockup). I can't get help. I can't even see my GP. I can't lose weight. I can't restrict. I can't keep my sugar levels high enough. I just can't win.
This is horrible. I feel like a failure because I can't restrict. But I can - my sugars are just preventing me. I feel so horrible all the time. I feel like I should just hurry up and die.
Weighing myself in the morning. Will try checking my sugars every two hours and eating a lot of apples (they're the lowest GI, purest carb safe food I have), but no more than seven. Really, I only have room for maybe 45g of carbohydrates once I allow for my coffees and hot chocolate, under 200 calories. I'll see how I go. Maybe try 300.
Tonight, I just want to die.