Saturday, 23 June 2012

I don't want Recovery

I haven't wanted the weight gain or psych help regardless, and today, I really don't think I want any of it (it lasted a whole week... Hah). Yes, I need to keep my intake up so I don't hypo. Yes, I want to find out why I gain so easily (mostly so I can lose easier). I just want Tuesday to get here so everyone can shit bricks at how much I've gained, and I can find out why. I'm going to keep seeing the dietician until I find a good balance between intake/maintaining BSL/losing weight, and I need to see my GP to get a new Implanon in the next month, but I don't want any of this shit. I just want to find a way to keep my intake at an okay level, keep my sugars from plummeting, and lose weight.

I'm miserable no matter what my weight or intake is, so might as well take the option that'll kill me, right?

Sorry for being so depressing lately. This'll all change on Wednesday when I know if I've gained/maintained/lost. For now, I'm off to stuff my fucking face because I'm desperate to stick to the Plan and find out why my body is so fucked. Otherwise this week will all be for nothing.

A lot of my feelings are because I'm too fat to get help, but I don't care. I'll never fucking try to get help again - wouldn't want to waste any doctor's precious time.

Pic below is after eating lunch. BMI 13.5-14.0, and I'm too fucking fat to get help. Gonna be heading back towards BMI 13.0, 12.0, and below. Fuck maintaining.
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3 comments:

  1. Queenie23 June 2012 at 15:58

    I think you're beautiful :)
    Fuck what the doctors say. If they don't want to help you then, try and find someone else who would understand you, not as a patient but as a human being, and will help you getting better without growing fat.
    Be strong Xx

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    1. Bella24 June 2012 at 06:31

      Thanks hun :) I'm just gonna stick to the dietician for now, so I can sort my hypoglycemia (I was meant to see one since last November for hypoglycemia, lol), then I can lose weight again :)

      Good to see you back online ^^,

      xxBella

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  2. Unknown12 May 2021 at 16:39

    Your body needs to store what you're eating as far MORE now that you're basically a skeleton. This is why you see more of a change. You don't have to be skinny to be beautiful, and you shouldn't have to be beautiful to be respected anyway. I don't know how old this blog is, just want to say, in case you're still reading these comments, that it's so tough to just go with the treatments and gain weight, but it doesn't mean you can't do it. You're going to find that you slid into a new level of "miserable" so slowly, when you'll get back in shape to live a better life, you're going to start feeling more okay. I hope you're going to be okay.

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