Depressed. Stabbed my thigh with a fork several times, head and chest with pen... Hit a tin of tomatoes against my head until it wouldn't dint any further, and hit my head against a wood door. I'm sure there's more, but that's all I remember. Screamed and cried to my mother about how I'm a waste of everyone's time, a waste of food, a bother.
This is why I'm making bookings to inspect apartments. I need to stop being a bother and a waste, I need to be alone. I told my mum this, and she said she just wants to take care of me. But last time I was in hospital with the asshole head psychiatrist on my case, he made me feel like even more of a bother to everyone - my family, the hospital, him, the world - and it's stuck.
He said I need to 'release' my mum from her carer's role, that I manipulate her and we have a bad relationship. (I should note that mum said it was a crock of shit, but still)
He said that it was wrong to give me a glucose drip overnight so I wouldn't go into a hypoglycemic coma, because I wouldn't eat enough carbs to hold my sugar levels anyway, that it was like giving a credit card to someone with a gambling addiction (the outcome? My medical team said it was crucial. I refused because of the psych. I went home and came back 5 days later - hypoglycemic and on verge of stroke). There's so much more, but he just made me feel like a waste of time/breath/hospital bed/food/love/everything. If you guys go to hospital, make sure you get an ED psych, general psychs just don't get it at all :'(
Booking an apartment inspection first thing tomorrow.