Wednesday, 6 June 2012


Depressed. Stabbed my thigh with a fork several times, head and chest with pen... Hit a tin of tomatoes against my head until it wouldn't dint any further, and hit my head against a wood door. I'm sure there's more, but that's all I remember. Screamed and cried to my mother about how I'm a waste of everyone's time, a waste of food, a bother.

This is why I'm making bookings to inspect apartments. I need to stop being a bother and a waste, I need to be alone. I told my mum this, and she said she just wants to take care of me. But last time I was in hospital with the asshole head psychiatrist on my case, he made me feel like even more of a bother to everyone - my family, the hospital, him, the world - and it's stuck.

He said I need to 'release' my mum from her carer's role, that I manipulate her and we have a bad relationship. (I should note that mum said it was a crock of shit, but still)
He said that it was wrong to give me a glucose drip overnight so I wouldn't go into a hypoglycemic coma, because I wouldn't eat enough carbs to hold my sugar levels anyway, that it was like giving a credit card to someone with a gambling addiction (the outcome? My medical team said it was crucial. I refused because of the psych. I went home and came back 5 days later - hypoglycemic and on verge of stroke). There's so much more, but he just made me feel like a waste of time/breath/hospital bed/food/love/everything. If you guys go to hospital, make sure you get an ED psych, general psychs just don't get it at all :'(

Booking an apartment inspection first thing tomorrow.



  1. You're not a waste, beauty !
    You shouldn't treat yourself like that !
    You went to hospital and saw a psychiatrist. So let's say he talked to you for what two weeks, maybe less. Do you think that makes him know you ? Definitely not. He's just putting the schemes he learned on your case. Each cases are different. He could not judge you fairly on such a little time. Don't take seriously what he said.

    You're adorable, and you're not a waste.
    He told you you were a waste of time for your mum. I may not know your relationship with her, but I'll just pick up one example. In your blog you posted a soup recipe, and specified you cooked this soup when your mum had a cold. See ! There is no way you could be a waste.

    Be strong, try to see the good parts in everything.

    1. Thanks hun <3 most of the time I'm on top of the world, but then the stress just hits and I'm out-of-action for a few hours.
      The psych was just the World's Biggest Asshole, but what he said stuck. My mum and I have a great relationship - we spend most of the day together and I cook breakfast and lunch every day, for my mum, usually dinner too, even if I'm not eating.

      I'm feeling much better now. Went to buy soup ingredients, and also got a big pack of mum's favorite muesli bars and a block of sugar-free chocolate (she's diabetic), and made gift wrap and a bow from the plastic shopping bag :)

      Thanks so much for the comment <3

  2. He sounds like an undereducated idiot. He knows absolutely nothing about you so he shouldn't make judgements.
    Don't let what he said make you feel down.
    I hope you're feeling better now.

    1. He is! I was having a bitch about him to my mum and brother yesterday. Once, he said that everyone I love will leave me, even my family. My mum eyeballed him and said 'No, I won't. You don't know me'. He just said 'Oh, yes I do' =_=
      I am feeling much better now, thanks :) when I get upset it hits strong, but usually only lasts an hour or two before I calm down