Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Weight Ramblings

I'm really scared that I'm going to put on weight this week. I don't want to go above 50kg, and I don't need to. If I gain this week, I don't know what I'll do. I mean, yes, then I'd find out exactly why I gain weight ridiculously quickly, but then I have weight I need to lose. Fuck. I'm trying to do the impossible, I know, but my dietician doesn't think I'll gain weight (she knows my intake & loss/gain history, too). I don't want weight restoration, and I don't know if I want or need psych help. I guess, more than anything, I want intake restoration. NOT so I can eat 'normally again' and 2,000 fucking calories. I want to eat 1,000-1,200 calories of the nutritious, healthy, clean, whole foods that I've been eating these past few days. My passion for nutrition, health & fitness has escalated this year, and its been hurting me that I can't eat these wonderful nutritious foods, and have a balanced diet - because of my obsession. It's only in the last 6 months that I've been able to up my intake from 50 calories a day (for over a year) to 150-200, even.

I'm just rambling, I know. I just want to be able to eat a healthier amount, have a fully clean, nutritious diet, and not gain weight. I wouldn't mind losing another 5kg (oh God...), though I'm not hell-bent on it. It's more of a passive want (which most women have, right?). I've been happy with my body all year, though my key has been not gaining anymore.

As an interesting side, I was quite dysmorphic when I went inpatient (March 2011), and I'm not at all now. Relapse triggered recovery from dysmorphia, because I realized I'd never 'appreciated my bones', as it were. It's fucking harder (for me) to deal with weight gain when I don't have the dysmorphia. I know I'm emaciated, and my tendons and bones jut out, and I'm pretty underweight. But I fucking love it. I don't think I'm fat, I'm (more or less) done losing weight for now, and I certainly don't want to gain any back.

Much love to you all

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