Everything's too much (& intake June 21st)

Struggling along today. I feel so guilty. I... ate a chocolate bar just before going to sleep last night, and I don't really know why except that I haven't had chocolate in a week (normally I have it every few days). So I had a horrible night and a really hard morning. I feel horrible. I really had to push myself to 800 today. I don't want to restrict and lose weight, because I really want to know why I maintain/gain on so little. So I'm slugging along on the bare minimum today, and it just seems like too much. I feel like I have to compensate by eating <150 and running for two hours, but I don't want to fuck with the plan, lose weight, and not find out anything.

Made a batch of lamb broth, vege, lentil & barley soup today, so I might have that at some point tomorrow. I also have half a dozen apples that are calling my name, but when I've been eating today it's been to bring the calories up to 800. Ugh. I just want to starve, but I want to find out why I gain so easily, and to do that I need to maintain or gain on lower amounts than 'normal' (<1,200-1,400, maybe? Since I run e'ryday). I know I fucking do, but the dietician needs to see it herself. I'm gonna be really shocked if I lose weight (or even maintain) this week.

I can't wait until I can eat maintenance calories (~1,700 for me) and actually maintain, or eat less and lose like mad, or eat more and know I can 'compensate' for it without completely starving. I really want a healthy intake, but I don't need to gain weight, and I wouldn't mind losing back to my LW (41kg), or at least under 45. Fuck. I really hope I lose weight this week by some miracle. I'm so confused. I just want to stay thin/get thinner, but I want to eat 1,000+ healthy calories a day :(

Snack: Black coffee (4)
Breakfast: WW oats with Stevia & cinnamon, egg white omelette with tomato sauce, toast (half with WW canola & Vegemite), oolong tea, coffee (204)
Snack: WW oats with Stevia & cinnamon, coffee (64)
Lunch: small Caesar with cos, WW bacon, grain croutons, LF dressing & egg white, oolong tea, yoghurt, peppermint tea (134)
Snack: coffee, vegan animal cookies (64)
Dinner: baked potato with WW canola, LF cheese, WW bacon & chives, side salad (cos & LF Caesar dressing), Coke Zero, whipped jelly & whipped cream (225)
Snack: Nutella, hot chocolate (98)

Total intake: 793 calories
Burnt running: 213 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 286 calories
Total burn: 499 calories