I saw the dietician on Tuesday. She asked how the last two weeks have been, and I didn't know where to start, so I just awkwardly blurted out that I'd weighed myself that morning. She asked why I decided to, and how I felt about it, but I honestly didn't know. I still haven't fully processed it.
The first week she was away, my intake was between 450-600 calories. In the second week, it became more like 300-500. Most days, my intake has been dictated by my calorie burn. Most days, that means burning more than I eat.
She said that something has to change in the next few weeks if I want to keep away from hospital. At the moment I don't really see it as being a real risk, but as something I can avoid inevitably, though I know that's not true.
Apples, salad and rice have been making up the bulk of my diet, with little bits of bread and yoghurt here and there. This week, she wants me to try for either a more 'substantial' lunch, or to join in a family dinner, or to have a snack that isn't sugar-free jelly. Otherwise, a 200 calorie Ensure.
On Tuesday night I stayed up late drinking Black Russians made on Coke Zero. A little serve of stir-fry with my rice one night. Animal cookies another. A cheese and Vegemite sandwich.
I think the thing I'm dreading most about raising my intake, apart from the obvious, is probably the amount of thought, time, effort and stress that goes into planning, anticipating and preparing meals. It's been so simple to just grab an apple for lunch, or to reheat rice for dinner and drip on soy sauce. I haven't had to think too much about it, and it's taken a lot of stress off.
The dietician asked again if there was anything I wanted to talk about, if I knew why my intake has dropped so far. I just said that I feel very low. I didn't know what else to say. I can't find words when someone asks 'how do you feel?'.
Yesterday was strange. Mum was away for the night, and I spent about eight hours sewing in a near-manic state, trying to keep myself away from the more self-destructive distractions that've been filling my week. It worked for most of the day, at least.
On a positive note, I've finished the first half of the 1880s polonaise and walking skirt pattern that I've been working on for the last two and a half months. I can't even begin to calculate how many hours I've put into this, how many things I've had to go back and re-do because it wasn't perfect enough. There are so many details that are hard to show in photos, like the intricate facings, the precise pleats, or the amount of hand-sewing that gives it such a neat finish. I'll get better photos once it's complete. There are 23 meters (76 feet!) of ruffles, all hemmed and evenly placed. I've gotta say, I'm pretty happy with it so far.
Yes, shock horror, it's not black. I'm making it for the purpose of educating myself, improving my skill and building my portfolio, so it's not something I'll be wearing. White shows the details better, and is more appropriate anyway.