Friday, 3 January 2014


The first day of 2014 came and went just like any other. I saw in the New Year quietly; no shenanigans for this little black duck. One glass of red, two Black Russians, asleep by 10 o'clock.

I've officially continued my streak of losing weight over Christmas, for every year since the start of my ED. This was the fourth. 

After two days of being slack with where my calories came from, my blood sugars had dropped by Saturday morning. I struggled on the step, stumbling and dragging my feet. I felt cold and nauseated, unable to breathe, about to pass out. My heart rate went through the roof, and I gave up after a pathetic 10 minutes; 90 minutes less than I'd managed the day before. I struggled to keep my eyes open all day, but pushed to get my sugars stable again, resulting in an intake of 800. With exception of that, and New Year's Eve drinks, my intake seems to've settled around 450-600 calories. 

The dietician will be working next week after all, even though she'll be halfway through a family camping trip at the beach. Thankfully that means there'll only be two weeks without appointments, which is slightly less daunting. 

I'm struggling for words again. I'm currently getting through the days with step aerobics filling the morning, leaning on lorazepam to zombie through the afternoon, smoking the green stuff after dinner and taking my night meds as early as is reasonable. But hey, whatever works. 

Lorazepam is new to me. My GP gave me a box of 50 back in May, after the Lung Doctor Man recommended I should be on them. She wasn't too keen on the idea, but gave me the one prescription, warning there'd be no more after that. I hadn't taken any yet, aware they're a precious commodity. I started taking them just after Christmas, in a desperate attempt to lessen the breakdowns, the debilitating panic attacks, the 4-hour episodes of nonstop hysterics.  

Everything is too overwhelming, too painful, too much. I'm managing little bits of sewing here and there, but that's about it. Except for Christmas, I haven't even cooked for three weeks.

I am self-destructing. 
I am falling apart. 

"I would say happy new year, but it's not happy; it's exactly the same as last year except colder."
  - Robert Clark



  1. I don't know what to say. Your situation sounds terrifying and I wish all those idiots who glamorize eating disorders could read this. Please, please, please be safe.

  2. Oh, I hope you're okay. *hugs*

  3. Sorry I haven't been commenting so much. My laptops just died and it's a pain in the arse to comment on my phone, but shall do my best!

    I suppose still being able to do some things like sew and cook a bit can give you some hope at least? You can still hold on to something and there's still some elements of the real you beyond this illness.

    Re smoking, yeah I thought that was pretty funny. No lectures, he just gave me an inhaler to alleviate the asthma attacks. The aim is to cut down a little this year (well a lot! 40 a day isn't good...)

    Yeah the first ever time I was in hospital it occurred to me that there were calories in the glucose drips, and they just have the nutritional info on the sides, so I've always worked it out! I did wonder about the absorption too. I've even worried about calories in medication! Weird, huh?

    I hope things do get better for you. It makes me sad to see you like this.


  4. Isn't it weird how something as simple as one's blood sugar can take such a toll on the body? You're blood sugar drops- your entire being feels horrible and energy is non-existent.I hope you get to feeling better soon- cooking and sewing are always so much fun and they're great to pass the time and keep the mind occupied. I know you cross stitch- have you ever knitted or crocheted?

  5. Keep going lovely girl, life is a marathon. I'm experiencing the same thing with my blood sugar right now, too. My heart beats loud and fast and I'm out of breath by the time I reach the end of my street. It's sort of scary to feel like this, like you can't trust your own body to do what it is supposed to do. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I hope you start to feel better soon.

  6. So sorry to hear you are struggling.

  7. I hate to hear that you're going through this! *hugs* Just be careful with the exercise. Personally, for me exercise can turn into an addiction which really messes with my blood sugars:(. Anyway, you're in my prayers!

  8. My dear Bella, I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. :( you always comment on my posts and give me so much support, and i am always so slack keeping up with your blog. >< I am so sorry hun... :( And thank you so much... I really appreciate your kindness.
    Be strong sweetie..! You are in my thoughts and prayers...
    Love you
    Xoxo <3

  9. I still say happy new year to you because I refuse to loose hope that under all, there's still something happy left. You're in my heart Bella, don't give up even though it feels like that.
    Hugs <3

  10. I have no words either, but my heart is still breaking for you :( Dearest Bella, please stay strong, please fight, you are so precious to so many of us, including me! It is such a tough time of year, for various reasons, for so many people, I just hope that things will soon get better for you. Please know that you're in my thoughts, and you know that I am here for you if you need any support. Sending you my love and big hugs xxxxxxxx

  11. I know lorazepam is very iffy. Actually...not to sound weird, but the novel I'm writing revolves around presciption pill addiction which begins with lorazepam. My brother mentioned that he was on it for a short period and it was one of the worst meds he's ever been on (and he's seen his fair share). I just know they're highly plausible for misuse, so if you're just starting them, please please be careful and try not to take them just because they make you zombified, only use them if that's the only way to get relief. I'm sad to hear exercising made you feel that way, I've been there and it's the worst. You think you're doing something that's healthy, that will help you, but when your body revolts like that it's so confusing and makes you think "It's stepping, it's simple, why can't I do this." I'm not sure what to say, but I don't want your days to go like this. I don't want to see another year like this.

    I love you dear, please be careful and take care of yourself.

  12. Thinking of you hun, I hope things get better soon <3
    Alice xx

  13. i'm sorry, bella. i'm actually at a loss for words right now. but i hope you're doing alright. try to be careful. and i hope your new year is warmer than last year. it's not good to stay cold too long.

    *hugs* <3

  14. Seems like I have been missing your posts... I have been having so many issues with blogger ever since the new interface came.. It doesn't matter which browser I use or what I do :S

    So sorry that you are struggling :(