I saw the dietician on Tuesday. She asked how the last two weeks have been, and I didn't know where to start, so I just awkwardly blurted out that I'd weighed myself that morning. She asked why I decided to, and how I felt about it, but I honestly didn't know. I still haven't fully processed it.
The first week she was away, my intake was between 450-600 calories. In the second week, it became more like 300-500. Most days, my intake has been dictated by my calorie burn. Most days, that means burning more than I eat.
She said that something has to change in the next few weeks if I want to keep away from hospital. At the moment I don't really see it as being a real risk, but as something I can avoid inevitably, though I know that's not true.
Apples, salad and rice have been making up the bulk of my diet, with little bits of bread and yoghurt here and there. This week, she wants me to try for either a more 'substantial' lunch, or to join in a family dinner, or to have a snack that isn't sugar-free jelly. Otherwise, a 200 calorie Ensure.
On Tuesday night I stayed up late drinking Black Russians made on Coke Zero. A little serve of stir-fry with my rice one night. Animal cookies another. A cheese and Vegemite sandwich.
I think the thing I'm dreading most about raising my intake, apart from the obvious, is probably the amount of thought, time, effort and stress that goes into planning, anticipating and preparing meals. It's been so simple to just grab an apple for lunch, or to reheat rice for dinner and drip on soy sauce. I haven't had to think too much about it, and it's taken a lot of stress off.
The dietician asked again if there was anything I wanted to talk about, if I knew why my intake has dropped so far. I just said that I feel very low. I didn't know what else to say. I can't find words when someone asks 'how do you feel?'.
Yesterday was strange. Mum was away for the night, and I spent about eight hours sewing in a near-manic state, trying to keep myself away from the more self-destructive distractions that've been filling my week. It worked for most of the day, at least.
On a positive note, I've finished the first half of the 1880s polonaise and walking skirt pattern that I've been working on for the last two and a half months. I can't even begin to calculate how many hours I've put into this, how many things I've had to go back and re-do because it wasn't perfect enough. There are so many details that are hard to show in photos, like the intricate facings, the precise pleats, or the amount of hand-sewing that gives it such a neat finish. I'll get better photos once it's complete. There are 23 meters (76 feet!) of ruffles, all hemmed and evenly placed. I've gotta say, I'm pretty happy with it so far.
Yes, shock horror, it's not black. I'm making it for the purpose of educating myself, improving my skill and building my portfolio, so it's not something I'll be wearing. White shows the details better, and is more appropriate anyway.
xxBella
That is a gorgeous skirt <3
ReplyDeleteThe skirt looks beautiful! I never would have guessed you could make something that intricate, I'm so impressed! And best of luck upping your calories, I know it's a struggle.
ReplyDeleteI admire your sewing skills :) That skirt is just gorgeous, can not wait to see the finished result!
ReplyDeleteMy God, that is beautiful! You are so talented! I can't even hem pants :D
ReplyDeleteWow totally beautifuls. xo
ReplyDeleteThat skirt is GORGEOUS. The "how do you feel" question is the worst ever. I never know what to say to anyone when they ask me, mostly because I can't be put on the spot. I like to be able to write things down and process them and take time. Be careful. I only just started reading your blog, and I enjoy every minute of it. I don't want you to have to go away. <3
ReplyDeleteIf I'd made that skirt I'd be more than 'pretty happy' with myself! Give yourself some credit; it really is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAs for hospital: if you're admitted you'll have to eat a hell of a lot more than you'll have to at home. Increasing your intake slowly at home really is the lesser of two evils here.
Good luck with the rest of the skirt :)
…And the calories :(
The skirt looks beautiful. I wish I could sew even half as well as you. Have you made this to your measurements for modelling it for your portfolio at all?
ReplyDeleteI know where you're coming from when someone asks how you feel. I never can find the words either. xx
Oh my God that skirt is absolutely beautiful. You're doing a fantastic job. I understand your stress about raising your intake. It's not just the fact that you have to raise it, but all the added stress and thought that has to go into it. Hang in there dear. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
The skirt is lovely! It's a wonderful thing that you can pour yourself into a constructive hobby. Upping your intake, weigh-ins, outings... I know you're having a tough time. You've done well giving it a go, though. It seems like you are having issues processing it all. Its hard to move forward when you can't pick through the steps you've already taken. The important thing is that you keep moving forward. Best of luck, hun. You're in my thoughts. Don't give up. <3
ReplyDeleteYour skirts are soo lovely dear <3
ReplyDeletethat skirt is incredible, sorry i facebooked before i saw this post - so ignore that part of the message :P It's so hard to think of you in such distress, I hope you get a few days of head peace soon little angel, and I have a mini milo bear to send you... i saw him and I was like THIS HAS TO BE FOR BELLA AND BOO, so when my head is in gear, i'll post him to you xxx
ReplyDeletelet me start by saying that i haven't commented on your blog before. one thing you'd have to know is that i comment as i read through posts, so basically, i'm going to be commenting every now and there.
ReplyDeleteawww, honey. you should not have weighed yourself. i do hope your eating gets better.
oh my god. thank you. when someone says how do you feel, it's like...i start to doubt whether i feel okay or not. ever since the depression, it's like...really. i can't say anything about it.
oh my god. that is bloody brilliant!!! can you imagine??!?! you made something that someone would pay for and wear and that's just wowwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
i'm a writer. not really interested in sewing. but wow, i have to say. i think poetry, sewing, any kind of art just ends in the same way - you see what you created in the end, and it's like "wow, i made this with my own hands." i use words to manipulate that feeling. i think sewing would just end up with me being severely injured but this is exceptionally brilliant, lovely.
as for the people that posted on your stats page, i've seen some of the comments. they are bloody horrible. they are ignorant. you're a lovely human being. i see you on pages constantly. the reason i didn't comment beforehand is that i have a tiny bit of fear that you may be slightly triggering to me as i find you incredibly thin. but i think i'll be able to cope, my dear. you're too lovely for me not to follow <3
things get better. we just have to stick around for the fireworks. or the light at the end of the tunnel. it's there. dull or not, but it's there.
-Sam Lupin
PS. i'm actually a bit nervous about posting this comment. ahaha. x wishing you happy recovery thoughts. i'm constantly between recovery and relapse myself. i have no idea what i'm doing.
That skirt is amazing! You're so talented, and I'm sorry to hear things have been rough recently. Sewing looks to be a good coping mechanism to deal with stress (for me, I love fixing up old bicycles:) )
ReplyDeleteAnyway, take care. You're very strong, and I know you can recover:)
That is amazing. All those ruffles!! I can barely sew a hole up in a sock. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteomg to reply to your comment on my blog (i will do this probably often shhhhhhh don't tell the other bloggers they might get jealous xD): omg. i think we've BOTH been pulling up the nerve to say something in each other's blogs. we are both one of the firsts to comment on everyone else's blogs so half the time i have to read your post before me - and i'm just like in my comment "Bella's right you know." you say it all, m'dear.
ReplyDeletei think we have lost similar amounts of weight. the only difference is i'm still considered either "normal" or "fat". somewhere in between the both of them. *hugs* aw. you're adorable. *yes, i'm actually reading your comment and commenting on it in this box as i go on* that's because i'm so brill.
i have no idea why people crave chocolate during their period to be honest. i think the only thing i can remember eating during my periods is one of these big potatoes. i remember that day. i ate 1800 calories and i lost afterwards, so i'm just like "yes. i have a perfect metabolism." my metabolism is just so much higher during my period i can easily eat around 300-400 calories more than i am used to and my body will use it up somehow.
i know what you mean! Nutella. i think the only reason i don't include it in my chocolate mono and have a separate mono of it is due to laziness. the whole jar is about 400g. which is the amount of grams i need to eat to lose weight. i'd rather just eat the whole jar throughout the day because i'd be able to spoon it from the jar. otherwise, if i have to include it in the chocolate one, i have to weigh-in and eat it from a cup (and not eat it from the jar - the real tragedy here).
i just wish they would make 450-500g jars where i live! i live in the Middle East (specifically Bahrain) and the jars here are either 350-400g. i can find ones as big as 750 but not in between. this is actually most of my problems at the moment. :P
the ED steals everything unfortunately. the depression is the one that really stole my writing away from me because it made me feel as if i can never get published so i stopped trying. i just could not deal with people's critiques of my work. i think the ED sort of made me feel like i still had some semblance of a personality but with the depression, i realise i did not have a personality with the ED. i just did what ED told me to do sort of thing. i make everyone around me think that i am just a big case of OCD. i do not like to call my ED as ED rather than OCD at its finest because OCD would also explain the obsession with grades for me (i strive for amazing grades the same way anyone around here would strive for a smaller number on the scale. i honestly think if i was ever to fail one of my courses...God, i would not know what to do with myself.)
you won me over with smut. horror fiction is the best however. i may put up some things on my blogs. unfortunately for me, ED has taken a lot of my writing as well. all i seem to write about is depression and ED in my fanfiction-related work.
likewise, i know you are a lovely girl. i just hope i feel less awkward around you and less "fangirl-y" as i'd say. talking to you is the equivalent of writing a comment to Kit Harington. x
-Sam Lupin
Nicely done on the skirt thus far! Have you thought of doing appliqué on it? Yes, tons more work but oh-so fulfilling. I did a handsewn paisley pattern on mine. Katie Elizabeth recommended yor blog to me, I'm excited to start reading. Please eat enough to keep you out if the hospital... Xoxo sending my best thoughts yor way!
ReplyDeletesmile before your first coffee. okay. after i read that, i started smiling before i even started drinking my first Diet Pepsi. you and i are similar when it comes to drinking loads of fluid. just the drink of choice is similar.
ReplyDeletecommenting as you read is the bloody best i tell you that. x
eating this much chocolate - if i'm in a good mood, i will get sick but if i'm in a shitty mood, it's perfect. i actually crave nothing but chocolate at the moment because of my mood. brill. i've never been a fan of Guylian either! and after that horrible experience yesterday, no more next time!!
really? my measuring tape and scale are dating each other. i swear. they are nearly always in tune with one another. sometimes, i measure myself just to work up the courage to step on the dreaded scales!
"You best save the peanut butter cup wrappers to weigh up later! I always do that with packaged food." oh my god why did i not do this
oh no. i love depression taking my appetite away. i hate people commenting on it. S. finds it all in her might to have to make me eat a varied diet when i'm depressed (hahahahaha. not going to happen, m'dear.) when i'm depressed i either restrict heavily or just result to eating junk food. either way, i still lose weight because my body seems to process junk food quite efficiently. not sure why. i actually get similar symptoms of this way of eating as i do with restricting! i can get black spots when i stand and i may feel faint in the shower if i stay there for too long. x i have a theory towards it (if you see Supersize vs Superskinny, there's that one episode that involved that guy eating 2600 calories of chocolate a day but he was severely underweight and in S01, there's that guy that only ate baked beans and lost a load of his weight!) something fishy about mono dieting but it helps me lose. it's hard to stick to normally hence why for me, when i'm in a good mood, i find it fairly sickening. but in this mood, i'm fine with it. in fact, i crave it! it's maddening.
"BM without laxatives is one of the best things ever. I take a fiber supplement daily so I rarely need actual laxatives these days, woo." are you sure that none of this could be attributed to the litres of black coffee you drink as well? ;3 <3 but oh my gosh. yes. BM without lax = best thing ever. in ever. seriously.
i'm unsure if my frame with no muscle mass can carry a 5kg Nutella jar. omg. i actually can barely carry my 3kg weights.
"WHY DID I NOT COMMENT MONTHS AGO? My god." I KNOW RIGHT.
i can happily say i'm not awkward anymore. i just want to comment to make you incredibly happy.
you are 7hrs ahead of me by the way in time zones. i'm usually 2-3 hrs ahead of UK timezones. i've had an Austrian internet friend. the only thing i remember from her is "IT'S PRONOUNCED MEL-BIN, NOT MELBOURNE" when she was talking to this other girl. oops.
-Sam Lupin