Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Silence is Safer than Speech

I don't know what to say. I don't have words anymore. 

Mum keeps asking why. Why my mood is so low, why I keep breaking down, why everything's just getting harder, why I feel like I'm giving up, but I can't answer. There are no words. 
The dietician asks the same. 
'There's obviously something going on for you that made you drop your intake.'

It feels stupid that I can't give a crystal-clear reason for why. It's everything that keeps building and bubbling inside. I think it was PTSD stuff that tipped me over the edge, but I don't want to pin it all on that, and I don't even know how to talk about that. Sometimes it's easier to just stay silent. 

Everything is too much. I can't seem to express much more than that. 

My blood sugars have kept slipping and dipping over the last couple of weeks. Silly as it sounds, I didn't even consider that I'd need to eat more to be able to exercise. Most days, I still eat around 100-105 grams of carb most days, which has always been the 'safe minimum'.

I asked the dietician's advice when I saw her yesterday. She said that since I'm exercising so much, I probably need closer to 150g. My plan for now is to aim for 110-120g of carbs a day, which I can still do for under 600 calories, and go from there. There's no way I can jump straight to 150g, and hopefully it won't need to be quite that high. 

I try to avoid testing my sugars, but I have been this week. It's triggering in a similar way to weighing myself; it gives numerical feedback on how much I've eaten, and impacts how much more I'll eat. If they're 5.0, for example, I obviously don't need to eat for a while. If they're under 4.0, yeah, maybe I should eat a little more. 

Now I've got two weeks without appointments. She asked that I please keep an eye on my blood sugars, that she doesn't want me to end up in the Emergency room. I nearly laughed, saying that's not going to happen. I've worked damn hard for the last two years to keep myself away from hospitals and psychiatrists and everything involved with that, and keeping my sugars stable is a big part of it. I'm not about to let my sugars slip to dangerous lows.

I am trying to rein back the exercise a little, given the impact it has on my sugar levels and therefor my intake. I have to do at least one hour, but I'm trying not to force myself to do extra. If I do anything over an hour, I want it to be because I really want to. I'm finding exercise has become compulsive again, even though I'm not particularly overdoing it. 

This morning I was exhausted, but I pushed through a half hour on the step, telling myself I could stop there and take it easy. Afterwards, the stress kept building and I felt incredibly guilty for doing any less than a full hour. I couldn't leave it there. After some fruit for lunch, I forced myself back on the step, and did a full hour for a total of 90 minutes. And I felt a little better.

I've spent nearly all day trying to put this post together, so I'll leave it here. Thank you to everyone who left comments and support on my last post. It means the world to me to know that there are people who care. Apologies that I just don't have much to say right now. 



  1. I'm worried about you little Bella, I really hope you'll be okay, please remember I'm only a facebook message away, anytime, for any reason. I love you to the moon and back and beyond xxxx

  2. I cannot rant enough about how important blood sugar is...I have so many friends who are diabetic and a small variation can get them in trouble, but for someone that has to watch their sugars even if they aren't diabetic, it's not something to say "Oh don't worry that won't happen." I just visited a friend in the hospital yesterday who has gone from the flu to strep to pneumonia and 100 other things wrong with her. I know you don't want to end up in hospitals. But if you continue to graze the bare minimum of everything, then that's all you're going to get is the bare minimum. I love you hon, but what you may think will keep you out of trouble and what your GP/dietitian/mom think will keep you out are very different. I know it's too much, but don't have a bare minimum life.

  3. It is easy and comfortable to fall back to old ways, but I hope you can pull some strength to get back on your game and go back to a higher intake. It is so so bizarre that you mentioned testing your blood sugar...I've always thought about it over the years and never done it, and just yesterday the thought occurred to me again and I thought it was interesting that I don't hear more about it in this community. I'm not sure if it'd be harmful or helpful. It's good you are making sure you don't go too low, but still heed your dietician's advice. Low blood sugars are not the only things that send the malnourished/eating disordered to the hospital. So please keep an eye on your health. And I love what PrettyLies said. She's right, and you definitely deserve more than bare minimum.

  4. Did you ever get into this fad (ish? Maybe it's a real scientific one? I dunno) diet where they eat like 1,000cals a day and get ALL their nutrients like that? It seems kinda cult-y, but like the whole idea is that they're eating nutrient-dense low-cal foods. It sounded quite interesting when I ran across it a few years ago. What you're doing reminds me of that in a way.

    Hope you feel better. <3 You can get through this.

  5. I know it takes an excessive endeavor to just put a few paragraphs together, but typing those words up is most definitely worth the effort. Even though you can't answer "why" right now, maybe writing a little will help you to figure it out. I think your plan of starting at 110-120g is a fantastic place to start! Small steps in the right direction is still progress! Thinking of you, hun. Feel better soon. <3

  6. *hug* i wish i knew what was eating you from the inside out, then i'd take care of it. i'd kick it right in its hideous face. bella, you don't always have to have a clearly defined "why" for how you feel. (if only life was that easy.) so don't feel bad about that. you're not a robot; you can't just check your operating system. there's no troubleshooting list for humans, i'm afraid. just take care of yourself, and i'm sure this dark cloud will blow away.

    the sun is a silly thing. even when it's shining in the winter, it still feels really cold outside. i guess that's just a part of life. but eventually, it always gets warmer, and soon it's nicer outside. maybe that's what's going on, hm? winter will be over for you soon, i'm sure. don't force any smiles for us, you might pull a muscle. love you bunches <3

  7. Big hugs to you girl!~ <3
    Wow, shortly after I started reading this post, for a moment I thought I was reading my own story. My dad has been doing the same recently; keep asking me what is wrong, why I am so depressed, and to talk to him about it. I just end up breaking down whenever he says it, cos I DON'T FREAKIN KNOW WHY!.... I just don't know what to say.. at all..

    Sounds like things are super difficult for you right now... I'm so sorry hun.
    I wish I had a magic wand to help you get better in a tick. It's such a helpless feeling; watching each other suffer but not being able to do anything about it :(
    I hope things get better for you soon dear Bella. Be strong!
    You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

  8. Bella :(

    I totally get what you mean about silence being safer than speech. I used to go for weeks without speaking at one time. And people asking WHY all the time is so incredibly wearing. I mean, if we knew why, we'd be able to figure things out, figure a way out of the situation, but because we don't know why and don't know how to talk is precisely why we are how we are. Then people get frustrated and angry when we say 'I don't know'.

    I hope you can stay strong over these next two weeks. You know I'm here if you need anything. Keep fighting my love. Sending you ((((((hugs)))))))