Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Why do I do this to myself?

I had my first outing of the year on Sunday, and went shopping. Part of the whole 'leave the house once a month' goal I set for myself this year.

I spent hours talking myself into it, out of it, and back into it again. I spoke softly and told mum that I was scared, that I didn't know what to do. We needed to go pick up an electric blanket I'd ordered, an hour's drive to the outer suburbs of Melbourne. I could've stayed in the car, but it'd be quiet being a Sunday morning, and I didn't have any appointments this week which made it slightly less daunting. Plus, I really needed to go shopping for new bras.

I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. It never ends well.

I sat in the car while mum got the blanket, and then we ventured into Target. I felt horribly self-conscious. It wasn't busy, but there were people. People were looking. People could see me. I hugged my arms across my chest in an attempt to hide. I wanted to shrink into the ground and disappear.

For the last few years it's been near-impossible to find bras in my size that don't have padding or underwires. But in the 'My First Bra' section, there was one style that fit the bill. I can't normally buy children's clothes because of my height, so this was my first purchase from the children's section. I felt like a bit of a creep buying kids' undies to be honest, but I'm just glad to have something that fits. I came home with three new 10AA bras. The funny thing is, they're smaller than my actual first bra was. Before I developed Anorexia, at my natural weight, I wore a 12G.

After we paid, I darted for the car. I felt sick to my stomach and started hyperventilating. Tears started to leak out, and I took the backup lorazepam mum had packed. 
I'd already had one earlier that day. 
I pulled out my notebooks and scribbled my thoughts in an attempt to calm myself. I folded my legs up and drifted in and out of sleep as we made the drive home. 

I'm conflicted. Part of me knows that I need to start leaving the house, especially if I want to stand a chance of moving out this year. But the rest of me just feels so... negative about it all. I don't have any positive feelings about having left the house. I know I need to and should leave the house, but I don't want to.

I feel overwhelmed, afraid, anxious, embarrassed, hurting, stressed, exposed, defeated, hopeless, guilty, ashamed, sad... I don't know how to explain it. It's just all too much. It's everything I was already feeling, amplified, intensified. I feel like an idiot for choosing to go out and bringing all this extra negativity upon myself when I'm struggling enough as it is.

The next day was when it really hit me. I felt horribly low. The entire day was spent 'processing' the day before, with near-constant tears, two hours on the step, an intake of 350 and entirely too many cigarettes. Today hasn't been much better. I haven't cried like this for weeks.

I'll never leave the house on a daily basis again, I swear. The more I go out, the less I want to go out.

Summer is well and truly here. We've got five days straight of extreme heat at the moment; today is 43°c (110°f). I'm barricaded inside with the aircon and my water bottle, only ducking outside to smoke, in a bid to avoid heat-related illness. Evidently I won't need my new electric blanket this week. 

Mum also picked up some new tiny cookware for me. Two more 'one egg' frying pans (12cm) and another saucepan (375ml). I'm building a whole collection of tiny kitchenware. I love it. 



  1. i'm sorry your trip target didn't go well. but i'm proud of you for trying. :) don't be too hard on yourself. if you plan on moving out, this is good practice. things don't always go well, but there's always a lesson to be learned from whatever situation you find yourself in. you'll be fine, i'm sure. <3

    and bleah, that heat sounds absolutely disgusting. i hate the heat. no electric blankets for you! and dude, i absolutely love tiny cookware. it's so cute! your mom is totally awesome. i like her. don't let life get you down. stay frosty, bella. :)

  2. Target is a target right? You'll figure a way to get more positive experiences... when is the last time you went to movies? (it's practically dark in there, so I would think you could be some what safe and not to feel so self.conscious about it) Or to the library? (there people are focusing on books, not you) Or do again the pick nick thing you did with your mom last year, it sounded so nice. Furthermore going out more often is a change for you, it's natural to resist it and feel awkward, not to like it and so on... but you know you need it. So the only way to get you out without drawing more negativity is try to find places where's a minimal chance for you to be the center of attention. Another question is what shocks you more about it; the fact that you went out of the house or that you survived from the day? No matter how, you made it back and you're still there writing to us and nothing too bad really happened (hyperventilating is not nice or panicking, but you survived. Don't beat yourself up about those, you went and you responded to your environment, I would be more worried if you didn't... little less, even two breaths less, hyperventilation next time, ok?)

    I love your mom for buying that tiny cookware! Lovely.
    Hugs Bella, you'll get the target and like all the beginnings it's just hard but the hardness will get easier as you get better at it! <3

  3. This made me so sad to read Bel. I know it can be scary to go out, especially with anorexia. It's natural to want to look at someone that looks like you. I don't mean that derogatory, I hope you know. You're such a tall girl and you're so small. Human nature to be curious. I'm not excusing their behavior though. It made for an uncomfortable experience for you. I just want you to be happy. I want you to go outside and see beautiful things and not be stuck in the blackness of PTSD and anorexia. My mom had to have an oxygen mask which triggered her PTSD and I had to try and talk her down. I counted my blessings because if I'm triggered by my abuse, it's not nearly as debilitating and I can usually talk myself down. It's hell, but you gotta believe in yourself, in that beauty and courage that you have inside. I love you to pieces girl. I've never actually met you but if we were neighbors I would be giving you nonstop hugs. You're too good for this illness. You're too good for PTSD and those experiences and people that tried to make you the victim and powerless. You are beautiful and strong, you just forgot along the way. I'm thinking of you sweetie. Don't forget how much I love you.

  4. Maybe next time you could try to go for a low key picnic somewhere stunning with less people, so it's getting out the house but you won't be worrying what other people are or aren't thinking? And it would be pretty, and good to do in the weather if it's warm you could go with chilled diet coke and sit with your mum somewhere pretty and calm and not daunting? The calendar you sent me had some totally stunning places, pick on and take a camera and try to photo it and show us maybe? Just an idea? Clare always says the less you do something the harder and more daunting it is to do it the next time, so perhaps persuing the idea of leaving the house more, but starting by picking places with less people, would be good start for the summer months?

    I worry about you and I love you to complete pieces, I wish I could fly there and we could army out and face the world together xxxxxx

  5. Whatever you feel about it, I think what you achieved was fantastic. You took the first step and left the house,and you went out and did and achieved something. However you feel it went and your feelings about it, I think you did brilliantly.

    Plus, look at it this way, you've done this month's trip out now. :) I suppose the more you do it the easier it gets. I'm glad you have the goal of moving out, it always helps to have something to focus on.

    My parents had one of those tiny egg pans, was always a bugger to get it to balance on our hob though! Always thought they look sweet though!

    I'm sorry I don't have many words at the moment but I'm thinking of you.


  6. I honestly had no idea how much anxiety you feel when you leave your house. I don't even think I was consciously aware that some people felt like that. I hope that you're able to go out more often since one of your goals is to move out this year. Hopefully with more practice and the more positive experiences you have you'll want to get out more often and it won't be so bad.

    I don't like going out into public that often because there's so many people, everything's so loud, and traffic really annoys me, but I do love to go out and walk when the weather is nice. I just put in my headphones and head outside. This spring/summer I want to try to head to some parks around my area- just to go outside and get some sunlight. When I have to go grocery shopping or something, I always have my music with me- I put in my headphones and forget about what's around me!

    Take care and I have lovely week ♥

  7. Aw I'm sorry target was so awful. I find any department store really anxiety provoking. All the weird fluorescent lighting and the plasticy chemical smell of new clothes... not to mention people.

    Are there any pros to moving out / working towards that? I'm a big fan of hibernation myself, and I'm not totally swayed that the anxiety of leaving is worth it. But I'm a big ball of depression so don't listen to me.

    If I could have a magic-post to send you it would be full of hugs, and calm, and space for your chaos-anxiety.

  8. Aw hun. I feel like if you keep pushing yourself to go out, maybe to safer places to start out with, you'd be able to start facing the real world on most days, if not all days, if you wanted to. I could be wrong though =/ please take care of yourself <3

  9. Love I'm sorry your outing was such a rough experience, but please don't give up. I firmly believe it is not healthy to cut yourself off from the outside world..even if not stores and public places but nature like parks and lakes and being outside and breathing different airs, that is all vital to your body AND your psyche. Like you said, you "need" to. So forget about what you want to do, if you want to push towards happiness, you have to start doing what you "need" to do first. And the exact same could be said about the eating. The lower your intake, the lower your mood swings will be, the less rational you are, the more difficult decision making is. I am currently having a hard time with intake too, but this is the first time in my years of this eating disorder that I've realized my depression is an effect of my ED, not a partner in crime necessarily. I mean I know your ED is not your only mental health issue, nor mine, but the lack of nourishment amplifies those negative feelings a billion fold.

    I know all that isn't news to you, and hearing it doesn't make it easier to eat. But maybe if you keep it in mind, if you get low enough, eating might seem worth it. I'm trying to do the same, and it worked once so far in getting me to eat an almost proper meal. Sending you love and hugs and hoping you find a reprieve to these feelings soon <3