When my dietician asked me to list the pros and cons of gaining weight, neither of us were expecting me to actually think about it. But I spent days thinking about it. It got under my skin and kept me up at night. My thoughts were running but nothing made sense.
I tried to think of things that would objectively happen if I gained weight, but the only thing I could think of was "if I gained weight, my physical health would improve". I told the dietician that I know it should be a 'pro', but to me it's more of a 'con'. I don't particularly want my physical health to improve, which I know a lot of you can understand. I told her I was finding the whole thing overwhelming, and we left it for another time.
It was another week of 1,200-1,250 calories (300-500 Ensure), and the scales showed a small gain for the first time in two months. She asked how I felt, and I wasn't too sure. It was upsetting, but it doesn't send me into a hysterical panic like it used to. I don't run out of the room in tears anymore. I know weight fluctuates up and down as a part of maintaining, and I've had losses to balance it out. I still worry that it'll keep going up and real weight gain will sneak up on me, but my dietician assures me it won't.
She didn't push any goals this week, not to raise my intake, or to phase out Ensure, or to do any soul-searching.
"Just focus on getting through each day."
It's been another tough week. I try to do things every day, like sewing, or reading, or watching a movie or writing a blog post, but I never last long enough to achieve anything. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even know how to explain how I feel. I just don't know.
*I actually put on a real outfit, instead of going to my appointment in track pants and ugg boots. I even added a splash of color. My dietician was shocked.*