Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Something had to Change

There's so much to process, so much to say. This post might be a little messy, so bear with me. I had my monthly appointment with the GP this morning, and the dietician yesterday. Let's start with the GP.

It's no secret that I've been struggling lately. Yes, I'm managing to hit my calorie goals, but that's about it. It's become a real battle to make it through each day, and something had to change. In sheer desperation, not knowing what else to do, I asked my GP if she could change my anti-depressants. 

I've been on mirtazapine for nearly three years now. A few months ago, for whatever reason, it stopped helping. She raised my dose from 45mg to 60mg, but it didn't help. She said she has to think on what to prescribe me, but she'll write me a new script tomorrow. As frightening as it is to change medications, something has to change. I still don't understand why it stopped working after so long; there was no trigger, but I guess it doesn't really matter why. I'll have a new script to pick up tomorrow, and while I know it won't fix anything, hopefully it'll make things more tolerable again. 

She checked the bruise on my arch, which is still spreading two weeks after the injury. She actually asked if I'd done it again, which I haven't. We discussed my self-harm habits, and gave me advice on which methods are less dangerous. She checked my injuries from head to toe, and said she'll be checking each time I see her from now on. I have three scripts; antibiotics for the infected wounds, a gel to help with healing, and an ointment to prevent further infections. 

As for the dietician, well... It was one of those days. The kind where I only brushed my hair two minutes before walking out the door in my slippers. 
I sat down and she asked "How've things been this week?"
I was stumped "I... I don't know."
"Not a good day? Was it hard to get here?"

We talked about the picnic in the You Yangs, about the few dinners I've cooked. My intake last week was between 1,211 and 1,230; accuracy and consistency seems to be kinda my thing lately. My weight stayed the same, though she again expressed concern over the 'trend'. For now, I'm relieved that I'm not gaining, she's relieved that I'm not losing.

At the moment, I'm brain-drained. I just want to hide in my blanket cocoon. Tomorrow, I'll have new meds, and hopefully things will start becoming more tolerable again. 



  1. Hugs,
    I hope that the new medication helps to deal with it all. Tough times, many of us. There's always something about the autumn.

  2. Good luck with the new script! Please let us know what she puts you on. I was on mirtazapine for about 6 months, they had added wellbutrin to it in the mornings, maybe that's what she'll do. I found that mirtazapine made me incredibly drowsy and sluggish, like I was in a fog, which is why I've stopped it.
    Good progress on the calories front, slow and steady, you'll get there :)
    Stay brave!
    Lena xx

  3. Your GP sounds good. I like that she was practical about self harm, focusing on making it less dangerous rather than being like OH NO STOP THAT. I've heard of that happening a lot.

    What did she suggest, if it's not too personal?

  4. Hitting your calorie goals are MAJOR achievements! Don't shortchange yourself- you deserve to pat yourself on the back because you are making lots of progress even if you feel you're struggling.
    I hope you feel better :(

  5. Aww Bella... I am sorry to hear that you've been struggling. But you are doing extremely well :) Recovery is the hardest thing. You've already made a huge progress even though you may not feel like you have. So stay strong!!

    Also, I want to thank you so much for always commenting on all of our blogs and giving us so much support despite all the hard times you are going through. You crazy nice person! :)
    You're always in my thoughts and prayers xx <3

  6. Sending you massive hugs Bella hoping that these new medications work for you xxxx