She wants a better understanding of how I feel about my weight, but to be honest, I don't really understand it myself. It's all blurry and tangled. It's making me look deep inside myself, and it's messy.
I'm writing things down, though they aren't clear pros and cons. So far they're more like 'reasons why I don't want to gain weight' and 'things that would happen if I gain weight'. It's confronting and confusing to even think about. I want to give her a real answer, but I don't know if I can face it.
A shout out to Eve, who set me the same pros-and-cons challenge a few weeks ago. While I couldn't give her an answer, she gave me serious food for thought, as always.
The dietician looked back through my notes, and I've been maintaining my weight since July/August. Not too sure how I feel about that. I barely spoke during the appointment. She said she wants to change focus to phasing out Ensure, instead of pushing to raise my calorie intake, but at the moment I just don't have the motivation.
I feel so stuck in this depression, unable to do much other than sit and chain-smoke. I don't know what to do. It's like I'm zombified. Apologies for the lack of posting lately, but there's so little to say.
At the moment I just want to hide away in my blanket cocoon. My ability to cope is dwindling. It's only 2pm, and I've already smoked 40 cigarettes today.
I am simply not functioning.
Cuddles with Misty this morning: a little bright spot on a rainy day.
xxBella
It's a start lovely. Sometimes just stealing peaks at the mirror of that which makes up us can be a good start. You are an absolutely beautiful soul and even if you weighed a lot or you weighed a little, you would be you. The you I have grown to love by blogging and facebooking. You can meet the challenges that rise up against you. Hold on to that truth, that promise.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I have to shout out to you for always being so gentle and kind when you know I'm struggling and need feedback. It means the world.
I love you sweets.
HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE hug :D
I agree with Eve, it's a start! These sorts of things are so messy and complicated and overwhelming and often times terrifying. If we could just look at them face on with no problem, we probably wouldn't have these struggles people call "eating disorders." I think the fact that you're trying is incredibly brave.
ReplyDeleteAlso, like Eve said, you always leave such encouraging comments. It means so much to me too. You are so much more than your struggles. You are such a lovely person. Don't ever forget that!
And I love your kitty. Kitty cuddles are the best thing ever. :)
Lots of love.
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're facing so much difficulty lately. I am sending you big virtual hugs. Keep your head up.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Your cat is so adorable <3
ReplyDeletePost your list once you're done with it :)
ReplyDeleteAnd holy crap, 40 cigarettes?? That's a lot for one day. Please don't kill your lungs, I would rather you not get sick or (god forbid) die :(
I think that looking into yourself, though difficult, will give you the opportunity to grow. It's also amazing how much the dietician cares about you. I mean, I don't know many health care professionals who are that amazing, really trying to help you get better. I know it's scary, but I think that you're strong and brave enough to do it.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Lena xx
P.S. As a future health care professional myself, it's like my duty to recommend that you cut down on the cigs. For real.
That's scary as hell looking at pros and cons. We did that in day treatment. Even the fact that it's so difficult to think of pros is unsettling, I guess I find looking at my own irrational beliefs terrifying because I like to think that I'm a perfectly reasonable person... and that the problems come from outside. But clearly I get that all twisted around and inverted. I'm probably not making sense. Sorry. Oh and the 40 smokes thing. When I'm in zombie mode, I try and do one thing before smoking, like brush my cat... brush my hair... knit two rows, whatever. It is the only thing other than popping a bunch of ritalin that has any (if only minor) effect on the brain fog. Loves you. :)
ReplyDeleteYour cat is so cute :) I get in that zombie place too - I don't smoke but I watch tv for like hours and hours until my eyes hurt and I'm totally bored but it's not about what's on the screen, it's about not thinking about what's in my head. You can do it though, I believe in you. We all do.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to function all the time. I think that's a valueable leason to learn.
ReplyDelete/Avy
http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com
♥
I've had to make quite a few of those pro/cons lists, and it's so hard to be honest with oneself, let alone someone else. Maybe just write what you can, that's a real enough answer, and don't worry about it being right or wrong. Your dietitian will help you to sort it out.
ReplyDeleteThat's great that you've been maintaining for such a long time. You're not losing and that's just amazing, you're really fighting this, even if it doesn't feel like it. It's better to phase out the Ensure sooner rather than later, because you can get dependent on it, then it's impossible to phase out. You can do this, Bella, you can phase it out, I believe in you. This has really helped me: 'a calorie is a calorie is a calorie.' By phasing out the Ensure, you'll need the calories in a different form, but it doesn't matter what it is, don't be scared, because a calorie is a calorie is a calorie in any shape or form.
Enjoy your cuddles with Misty and take lots of care xxx