She wants a better understanding of how I feel about my weight, but to be honest, I don't really understand it myself. It's all blurry and tangled. It's making me look deep inside myself, and it's messy.
I'm writing things down, though they aren't clear pros and cons. So far they're more like 'reasons why I don't want to gain weight' and 'things that would happen if I gain weight'. It's confronting and confusing to even think about. I want to give her a real answer, but I don't know if I can face it.
A shout out to Eve, who set me the same pros-and-cons challenge a few weeks ago. While I couldn't give her an answer, she gave me serious food for thought, as always.
The dietician looked back through my notes, and I've been maintaining my weight since July/August. Not too sure how I feel about that. I barely spoke during the appointment. She said she wants to change focus to phasing out Ensure, instead of pushing to raise my calorie intake, but at the moment I just don't have the motivation.
I feel so stuck in this depression, unable to do much other than sit and chain-smoke. I don't know what to do. It's like I'm zombified. Apologies for the lack of posting lately, but there's so little to say.
At the moment I just want to hide away in my blanket cocoon. My ability to cope is dwindling. It's only 2pm, and I've already smoked 40 cigarettes today.
I am simply not functioning.
Cuddles with Misty this morning: a little bright spot on a rainy day.