Thursday, 17 October 2013

1,000 Days

I picked up my new antidepressants today. My GP called this morning, asking me to come in. She'd spoken with a psychiatrist yesterday, and they recommended Zyban (Bupropion, Wellbutrin) as it's not only an antidepressant, but also an effective aid for quitting smoking, and lord knows I need to quit. 

I'm starting on 150mg, and halving my Mirtazapine to 30mg. She said I'll feel 'jittery' for the first few days on Zyban, but it'll pass. I just hope it helps make things more tolerable again. 

The dietician was lovely this week, as always. When we sat down, she started saying that I've done well in the time I've been seeing her, maintaining my weight and staying out of hospital, but at the same time, it's not a good thing.

She said she's looking into 'strategies' to help me 'move forward'. I'm not exactly sure what she means, but I guess we'll discuss it more next week. I really do appreciate that she's trying to help beyond her call of duty. I just don't know if I can accept that help. I initially sought her help to maintain my weight and stop being a frequent flyer in the emergency room, which I've achieved, but in effect it keeps me sick, and she doesn't want that. 

My weight stayed the same after another week on 1,200 calories. She asked again about moving up to 1,300, and I told her I'm really struggling with the idea since I'm already maintaining. Her big worry is if I fall ill again, my body mightn't be strong enough to cope, and any extra energy would help. During my last COPD exacerbation, I unintentionally lost a couple of kilos. She wants me to at least gain that back so I have a 'safety net' for future illness, but I just can't bring myself to gain, whether it's 2kg or 20kg.

I forgot to mention in my last post, but on Sunday I reached 1,000 days in a row on MyFitnessPal. It's a meaningless and sad achievement, I know, but I still enjoy watching the days add up.

Sorry this post has been all over the place. It really should've been multiple posts, but it's taking a lot of effort and time to gather my thoughts lately. Each day seems harder than the last, and I just hope these new meds will help turn that around.

Thank you all for your wonderful comments on my skirt. You guys flatter me, seriously. I wore it to see the dietician, and she was so pleased I'd finally finished it after so long.

Caesar salad (249 cal) I made for dinner last night. It was my first 'knife & fork' meal in many months (I've been finding using two pieces of cutlery strangely complicated recently). 



  1. I hate eggs but you make that salad look good. I need a good salad soon, not having veggies or groceries is weird. Why the hell have I had such a problem going grocery shopping the past week or two...I have no idea. Good job on keeping it up to 1200, you can get those extra 100 cals from a cup of juice or something, some way to make it not feel like so much. Love you dear, keep at it.

  2. Have you ever thought about getting off MyFitnessPal?

  3. Wow... 1000 days? That's dedication XD I don't think I could ever do that

  4. Thinking of you lovely. I'm glad things went well at the dietician as far as maintenance goes. I promise you right now your body and metabolism aren't magically slower than anyone else's. I mean, I always feel like I'll get fat from this or that, but I lift AND I'm a human so that means that my body is burning calories still. Definitely applies to you too. Your a little machine just burning through stuff to actually be alive and I promise upping it slightly won't shock your system. You'll even adapt and maintain. I promise. I just want you to be healthy.
    I love you to the moon and back lovely.

  5. It's so great that you have a lovely dietitian: I used to as well, and she helped me more than she could ever know I think. I miss her. I think, hard as it is, you just need to trust your dietitian, trust what she tells you, because she knows about the body and illness and how to look after you. She just wants to see you well, and obviously really cares about this.

    I'm so proud of you for managing 1200 calories, seriously, I could do a happy dance for you :D Please please please keep it up and stay strong, you're doing so amazing, and hopefully these new medications will help ease the struggle you're going through. I pray for that for you.

    Your salad looks stunning, like one of those food photos you'd see on a cafe wall!

    Love and hugggggs

  6. Thanks for keeping me posted on the meds. I found that I had more energy on Wellbutrin, which was especially nice since the Mirtazapine made me very drowsy. How are you finding it so far?
    That looks like a lovely summer salad!
    Lena xx

  7. Sorry been crap at commenting/ replying to comments. My head's been all over the place lately. Things are better with the landlord now. I followed your advice and actually spoke to the man, rather than speculating/ convincing myself he hated me!

    I really get the 1000 days thing. I've kept a record of everything I've eaten for the last year or so, and I do get something out of clocking up the days, even though I know only having a list of foods and numbers for the last year isn't really an achievement...

    I think maintenance is important, and the fact you're managing to eat 1200 kcal a day. You should be proud of that.

    Also that salad looks yum!