Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Pros and Cons pt.2

When my dietician asked me to list the pros and cons of gaining weight, neither of us were expecting me to actually think about it. But I spent days thinking about it. It got under my skin and kept me up at night. My thoughts were running but nothing made sense.

I tried to think of things that would objectively happen if I gained weight, but the only thing I could think of was "if I gained weight, my physical health would improve". I told the dietician that I know it should be a 'pro', but to me it's more of a 'con'. I don't particularly want my physical health to improve, which I know a lot of you can understand. I told her I was finding the whole thing overwhelming, and we left it for another time. 

It was another week of 1,200-1,250 calories (300-500 Ensure), and the scales showed a small gain for the first time in two months. She asked how I felt, and I wasn't too sure. It was upsetting, but it doesn't send me into a hysterical panic like it used to. I don't run out of the room in tears anymore. I know weight fluctuates up and down as a part of maintaining, and I've had losses to balance it out. I still worry that it'll keep going up and real weight gain will sneak up on me, but my dietician assures me it won't. 

She didn't push any goals this week, not to raise my intake, or to phase out Ensure, or to do any soul-searching.
"Just focus on getting through each day."

It's been another tough week. I try to do things every day, like sewing, or reading, or watching a movie or writing a blog post, but I never last long enough to achieve anything. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even know how to explain how I feel. I just don't know. 


*I actually put on a real outfit, instead of going to my appointment in track pants and ugg boots. I even added a splash of color. My dietician was shocked.*


xxBella

12 comments:

  1. Aw cute outfit! I'm glad she's giving you a break and letting you just readjust to where you are right now

    Love you <3

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  2. Cute! The socks are a really fun look with leggings.
    The really weird feeling of not wanting to get better is one I can relate to: All day I've been battling binge urges so finally I told myself to make a healthy dinner: Fish and veggies, and I ate a total of 2,000 calories - healthy and normal for my height weight and activity level. And it made me feel anxious as hell and like how I feel after I've have a full-blown binge!
    It's something in the ED that always make our minds trick us - no matter what the actual reality is.
    Hang in there, I'm rooting for you!

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  3. Beware, I'll sneak in at night to steal those socks. Me <3 your socks.
    Ed head... it wants to keep us miserable. But keep working on those thoughts the storm in your head is way better than storm in your plate. It's storming in the right place now... hugs, storms are not nice even though the out come after usually is.
    xx

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  4. Proud of you girly for keeping up with it!

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  5. Oh darling, your outfit is adorable, and I hope things get easier. Sometimes the hardest thing each day is our bloody thoughts that dont shut up. I hope things pick up for you I really do. Sending you big hugs <3 xx

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  6. You are so wonderful, I love you, hang on in there, message me whenever, your socks are totally cute :) I'm glad she didn't try nd set you more work on top of staying afloat, I hope you manage to keep doing some things and that those get easier with time xx

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  7. Very cute!
    I understand why it's not a pro, but try to write down the reasons you can't see it as that and the reasons you should. Putting things on paper or on online paper helps me think through things. It can't hurt.

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  8. I'm totally jealous of your legs. They are so perfect. I'm glad that she didn't give you any goals this week. She has a point, just get through each day, one at a time. Lots of love.
    XOXO

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  9. Just keep pushing forward lovely. I'm proud you at least attempted it and I love the color pop! :D

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  10. You look darling! One day at a time - that's the only way I survive.

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  11. I'm glad you have at least been thinking through the pros and cons, sometimes it's hard to even think about things that make us anxious so that's a good step.
    It always feels better on the days you make a little more effort, your outfit looks pretty :)
    I know it can be hard to even do little things like concentrate on watching a movie - I have a heap to watch but I somehow end up sitting around lonely and not doing anything instead. Still, keep trying at those little distractions.
    I hope this coming week is better for you <3
    Alice xx

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  12. I have a hard time with the concept of wanting to be "healthy" also, but we have to recognize how irrational that fear is. Super happy to hear you are maintaining, please keep your head up, you're doing the right thing. No more hospital trips :)

    Dude. 40 cigarettes before 2PM? That is bananas. I thought I used to chain smoke, but I couldn't even imagine that. Not even if I was drunk hah! But have you ever considered how nicotine could be affecting your emotions and mental state? Between the caffeine and all that nicotine, your body is spinning with stimulants, and it certainly would cause extreme anxiety. Or paralyze you with racing thoughts. I know it's not easy to quit (I still haven't officially quit myself) but I just urge you to consider this as a possible cause to why you've felt as lousy as you have.

    I missed your blog the past few weeks, I've been MIA! Love your stockings by the way, and the kittie in the last post! Yes!
    <3

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