Wednesday, 27 February 2013


Every week that my weight drops a little, I remind myself that it all adds up. "Progress is progress, no matter how slow" and all that. Well, yesterday was proof. After being weighed (and having lost more), my dietician expressed concern about how much I've lost. She said its very important to stop losing weight now, and I really need to start putting my intake back up. I'm trying the best I can each day, but I've really lost a lot of motivation to eat. I just don't have the energy to deal with it right now, though I'm very curious about how much I've lost.

Anyway, that aside, mum and I are going on a little holiday. We're headed down the Great Ocean Road for a couple of nights. I need to get out of this house so badly right now, I can't stand it. So on Monday, we decided to go away today through Friday. At the moment, the only place I feel safe going out is the supermarket. I can't go into town, I won't go into shops, I don't like to go out in my city. Maybe a different town will remove at least some anxiety and fear. If not, at least there'll be a nice room to panic in. I'd like to try to make it a half-pleasant experience for mum too - we haven't been on a holiday together in years, and she's really looking forward to it. I'm hoping we can at least go out for a coffee, and I know there's this cheese place she wants to go to.

And holy crap guys, seroquel makes me tired. Like, I'm passed out an hour after I take it. It isn't helping much during the day yet, but the GP said I can take two if I feel I need it, so I might try that next week. At the moment, my head goes a mile-a-minute for most of the day until I have a breakdown at some point, usually in the afternoon. After a few hours I eventually have dinner and my seroquel, turn into a complete zombie, and I'm usually in bed within the hour. I'm sleeping for 6 hours though, which is the most I've had in months. So that's definitely a plus.

Anyway, we're about to pack up the car and get driving. We'll have wifi, so I'll try to stay up-to-date with reading and commenting.


Friday, 22 February 2013

Just another day

Every day I try to post on here, but it never happens. It takes literally days to put my thoughts into words, to sort them out from a jumbled mess. And when I do, it's like I've nothing to say. Everything feels critical and frenzied, but then there's nothing to be rushing over. I don't know. My mind's just a mess right now.

In appointment news, when I saw the dietician on Tuesday my weight had dropped again, but only slightly. Slightly's good enough for me right now, though I'm getting more and more anxious about not knowing the number. We mostly talked about the lovely GP, though she did ask if I'm getting variety in my diet. I said yes, but I've been thinking about it and I'm really not. I'm eating wholemeal toast, nonfat yoghurt, apples, baked potatoes, sometimes rice, salads, pudding cups, Special K bars... That's about it, but I'm fine with it. It's much easier to deal with than having a thousand options.

Later in the day, I saw the lovely GP. She took me off the antibiotics (no more side effects!), and made a note to not prescribe me the same ones again. We asked her about something similar to olanzapine, so she's started me on a low dose of seroquel, and put my paroxetine up to a full dose. I think I'm at the point where necessity outweighs a lot of my fear of medication. I'm simply not coping or functioning at all right now. I just hope they help soon.

I'm about to chop up some apples for lunch. It's perfect weather lately for fruit, so I've been having a lot of apples. Mum came home the other day with "Early Gold" apples, which is amazing since Golden Delicious (my favourite apple) have been out of season for two months. Then I'm going to stay out of the heat and slug down water all afternoon, which I haven't been drinking enough of lately.

Thank you to everyone who's been reading my rambles. I've said it a million times before, but y'all are wonderful.


Sunday, 17 February 2013

I've been on my new meds for over a week now, and the antibiotics have made me horribly ill the entire time. It feels like I have the flu and gastro. We called the lovely GP on Wednesday, and she said to half the dose because my body obviously couldn't handle it. It hasn't really helped, but I see her in a few days.

Anyway, I saw the dietician and my weight was exactly the same as last week (boo). She's asked me to try and eat at least 800 calories every day to keep my strength up, but I'm not really sure. Some days I've been eating that, while other days I'm closer to 500. Higher calories have never helped with my energy levels or physical strength anyway.

Today I'm curled up on the couch in front of the air conditioner, trying to cool myself down. We're in the middle of a heatwave with days of 36 degrees C (97 F) and nights of 24 C (75 F). Apart from the usual risk of heatstroke, I've been running a fever all week anyway. I have Wasted and my media player to keep me distracted, if I can concentrate for long enough.

As for the paroxetine, I think it's too early to say anything. I see the GP on Tuesday afternoon, and she was going to put my dose up if I haven't had any side effects. Mum thinks I need something like olanzapine again, though it hasn't helped recently, so we're going to ask about that.

Sorry for such a boring post. I've done absolutely nothing this week due to feeling ill, but I felt like I should update anyway.


Sunday, 10 February 2013

The lovely GP

I left the doctor's on Thursday with three new scripts. She's given me paroxetine (an SSRI) to take in the mornings, on top of my mirtazapine at night. I'm very anxious about taking it. I'm scared of the side effects, and I don't know if it'll even help. I see her again on the 19th, so I'm going to take it until at least then. She can't help me if I don't try.
The lovely GP also noticed my fingers, red and inflamed, no skin around the nails. She said they were severely infected, so I'm on a course of super-sized antibiotics and a steroid ointment. Now I just have to stop picking at them.

She's actually completely wonderful. I still couldn't find words to explain myself, still can't. I'm so relieved that I finally have a GP though, after three years of bouncing around. Now I can start tackling that 'when-I-get-to-a-doctor' list.

And I need to weigh myself soon. I know I'm definitely under 47kg (BMI 13.7), but beyond that I have no idea. I want to know, but at the same time I'm so afraid of seeing a number I'm not happy with. Which, let's admit, is any number. I don't know if my head could cope with it right now. I'm not coping with anything.

Again, my apologies for being so absent for the last several weeks. I've been sitting here staring at the screen for over an hour just to write these few short paragraphs, working myself into a frenzy for no reason. My head is still just not functioning.
Something has to change soon. It just has to.


Thursday, 7 February 2013

We called the lovely GP this morning to make an appointment. I'm seeing her at 3:30 this afternoon. I'm a bundle of anxiety, and I have no idea what to say or expect. Mum seems to have a much better grip on "what's going on?" than I do anyway, so she'll likely do most of the talking.

The lovely GP has set aside an empty room for me instead of sitting in the busy waiting room, without even asking. I've only met her the once recently, and she definitely understands anxiety, but it seems like a lot of bother. I don't want to be a bother.
The dietician also told me this week that she's running a course one Tuesday in March. She said not to stress if the receptionists say she's not working, because she's coming in beforehand to see me anyway. I swear I've near-forgotten about all the bad GPs at my clinic.

As for the dietician on Tuesday, it was another week, another weigh-in. My weight dropped a bit again, though nothing spectacular to report. The dietician said I seemed more anxious than usual. Maybe. The past week I've fallen into a bit of a PTSD episode. February is never a good month.

Things have been strange for the last 7 weeks, and I feel more unstable each day. With the appointment later today, hopefully I'll get some form of clarity soon.
Thank you to everyone who's been reading and commenting - I'd be lost without you wonderful ladies. Sorry I've been less regular with commenting (and posting) lately.