I left the doctor's on Thursday with three new scripts. She's given me paroxetine (an SSRI) to take in the mornings, on top of my mirtazapine at night. I'm very anxious about taking it. I'm scared of the side effects, and I don't know if it'll even help. I see her again on the 19th, so I'm going to take it until at least then. She can't help me if I don't try.
The lovely GP also noticed my fingers, red and inflamed, no skin around the nails. She said they were severely infected, so I'm on a course of super-sized antibiotics and a steroid ointment. Now I just have to stop picking at them.
She's actually completely wonderful. I still couldn't find words to explain myself, still can't. I'm so relieved that I finally have a GP though, after three years of bouncing around. Now I can start tackling that 'when-I-get-to-a-doctor' list.
And I need to weigh myself soon. I know I'm definitely under 47kg (BMI 13.7), but beyond that I have no idea. I want to know, but at the same time I'm so afraid of seeing a number I'm not happy with. Which, let's admit, is any number. I don't know if my head could cope with it right now. I'm not coping with anything.
Again, my apologies for being so absent for the last several weeks. I've been sitting here staring at the screen for over an hour just to write these few short paragraphs, working myself into a frenzy for no reason. My head is still just not functioning.
Something has to change soon. It just has to.