Sunday, 10 February 2013

The lovely GP

I left the doctor's on Thursday with three new scripts. She's given me paroxetine (an SSRI) to take in the mornings, on top of my mirtazapine at night. I'm very anxious about taking it. I'm scared of the side effects, and I don't know if it'll even help. I see her again on the 19th, so I'm going to take it until at least then. She can't help me if I don't try.
The lovely GP also noticed my fingers, red and inflamed, no skin around the nails. She said they were severely infected, so I'm on a course of super-sized antibiotics and a steroid ointment. Now I just have to stop picking at them.

She's actually completely wonderful. I still couldn't find words to explain myself, still can't. I'm so relieved that I finally have a GP though, after three years of bouncing around. Now I can start tackling that 'when-I-get-to-a-doctor' list.

And I need to weigh myself soon. I know I'm definitely under 47kg (BMI 13.7), but beyond that I have no idea. I want to know, but at the same time I'm so afraid of seeing a number I'm not happy with. Which, let's admit, is any number. I don't know if my head could cope with it right now. I'm not coping with anything.

Again, my apologies for being so absent for the last several weeks. I've been sitting here staring at the screen for over an hour just to write these few short paragraphs, working myself into a frenzy for no reason. My head is still just not functioning.
Something has to change soon. It just has to.



  1. Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy waddup.

    What do paroxetine and mirtazapine do exactly? What sort of side-effects?

    I'm sorry to hear about the weigh-in - it would be easier to stick one's head in the sand, and not have to face reality, stuck in a haze of wonderfulness... Just stay strong.

    when you say 'frenzy', how do you feel? what are you feeling anxious about?

    Really hope things get better soon

    Princess xxx

  2. Hey love it's great to here from you! I'm glad you've found someone so nice. That makes it so much better. Have you tried stress balls or maybe mesding with stuff like art clay (doesn't dry out) to keep your hands occupied while you're anxious? I hate hearing it's affected your hands.
    With the meds, I suppose it depends. Are we talking heart attack or weight gain? If pooping is one then hallelujah! :P
    I know right now is difficult but remember that you are so valuable and such a beautiful person and if I could I would sit around and play Pokemon with you. :)
    Lots of love and a giant hug dear. <3

  3. If the paroxetine don't work, try cipralex; they have less side effects!

  4. I'm glad your GP was nice, that makes such a difference

    Do you bite and pick at the skin around your nails?
    I do that too
    I think one of my fingers is infected too
    It's a nervous habit but I like feeling the pain

    Stay strong dear Bella

    All my love x

  5. hey sweetheart, i'm so so so so so pleased that GP was lovely and kind and is trying to help you out. I love you lots and lots and lots and lots and I hope the weigh-in goes okay - will it be with the dietician who weighs you each time and you'll look or will it be at home? hows the mania? calming a little? hope your fingertips heal quickly little starshine xxx

  6. I'm pretty sure you don't have to apologize because of the frenzy in your head.
    Change will come. Everything changes; will you change?

    Life's Perceptions

  7. My beautiful Bella!
    I'm so sorry I haven't been commenting (writing at all actually) lately! But I must say that I think about you very often :)
    I hope your hands are better now. I'm glad you have this nice GP :)
    I'm sending you all my love <3

  8. hello bella i just wanted to check on you :) sory iv been awol these past few weeks,iv got major exams coming up in 2 weeks time so coudnt come online too often,im so glad about your GP,heres a weird fun fact the formula for BMI calculation is weight in kg dvided by height in meter square,have you ever noticed that bmi calculated on mathematical calculator comes out to be a little less then standard online BMI calculators? :P
    love poppy :)

    1. Hi poppy :)
      No, I didn't know that! Maybe the online calculators round the numbers up?
      Thanks for stopping by :) I hope you're well

  9. Never met anyone who destroys their fingers as badly as I do. I had to lie yesterday in small group because we had to practice "hand exams" on each other and the guy who took my hand couldn't help but notice the horrible state that my fingers are in, so I told him that I have psoriasis around my nails that leads to a lot of scratching and cracking and bleeding. Thought you might enjoy that little story :p
    Lena xx