Friday, 22 February 2013

Just another day

Every day I try to post on here, but it never happens. It takes literally days to put my thoughts into words, to sort them out from a jumbled mess. And when I do, it's like I've nothing to say. Everything feels critical and frenzied, but then there's nothing to be rushing over. I don't know. My mind's just a mess right now.

In appointment news, when I saw the dietician on Tuesday my weight had dropped again, but only slightly. Slightly's good enough for me right now, though I'm getting more and more anxious about not knowing the number. We mostly talked about the lovely GP, though she did ask if I'm getting variety in my diet. I said yes, but I've been thinking about it and I'm really not. I'm eating wholemeal toast, nonfat yoghurt, apples, baked potatoes, sometimes rice, salads, pudding cups, Special K bars... That's about it, but I'm fine with it. It's much easier to deal with than having a thousand options.

Later in the day, I saw the lovely GP. She took me off the antibiotics (no more side effects!), and made a note to not prescribe me the same ones again. We asked her about something similar to olanzapine, so she's started me on a low dose of seroquel, and put my paroxetine up to a full dose. I think I'm at the point where necessity outweighs a lot of my fear of medication. I'm simply not coping or functioning at all right now. I just hope they help soon.

I'm about to chop up some apples for lunch. It's perfect weather lately for fruit, so I've been having a lot of apples. Mum came home the other day with "Early Gold" apples, which is amazing since Golden Delicious (my favourite apple) have been out of season for two months. Then I'm going to stay out of the heat and slug down water all afternoon, which I haven't been drinking enough of lately.

Thank you to everyone who's been reading my rambles. I've said it a million times before, but y'all are wonderful.



  1. Oh sweetie I wish I could give you the biggest hug. I'm glad you're off the antibiotics and I'm sorry they have to put you on so much. I love apples with peanut butter. Something of a treat to have the peanut butter.
    Don't forget that you're loved.

  2. I'm the same way about food, I like having those ones I feel safe with and just cycling through them. Those apples sound quite lovely, I've never had those before.

  3. Aah, you explained it so well! The way your thoughts seem messy and jumbled every time you want to write them down, I understand perfectly. And the feeling with food - I have my "safe" foods too. I'm glad you're off the antibiotics, and I hope you get to feeling better real soon. x

  4. I know I'm wonderful ! XD jk I love reading your blog :)
    I'm glad you stop taking those meds! An apple a day keeps the doctor away ^^
    Love you beauty :)

  5. I hate to read that your weight dropped again although I know that's what you wanted
    Sometimes I want to say things like 'Please try to get well'
    But I know that nothing anyone says is enough because getting well has to come from us
    We have to live through it
    Some of us have to go so low before we decide we want to live
    All I will say is please don't leave it too late

    Sending you all my love x

  6. You're scaring me... please be careful...

  7. Hey chick!
    I'm glad you're over the side effects of those meds and I hope the new prescription works out!
    Variety in a diet is good, but I know what you mean about having those usual foods. Might I suggest adding a little protein? I usually go with a hard boiled egg or a small can of tuna :)

    Try to stay cool and hydrated! <3

  8. I love love love apples!! pink lady and golden delicious are my faves, but my fave green apple is golden delicious too, we get them all year round, I guess England is the place to grow apples, after all! have you tried a type of apple called the discovery apple? they're pink inside too.

    i really hope things get more bearable soon, and thank you for my comments, i dont think youre a shit friend, i think youre a fab friend. i love you to bits and i hope you and boo are getting lots of cuddly time xxx

  9. I hope your new meds are better than the last ones. Apples are great; Pink Lady/Cripp's Pink are my favourites followed by Golden Delicious. Stay safe sweet xx

  10. Hey Bella, I know what you mean about it being easier to have fewer food options, one of the good things about being vegan is that it narrows my choice further. Some people think that's a bad thing, but I like it, food is meant to be for energy anyway right?
    I hope the medication works for you and things start to feel a better soon, take care <3
    Alice xx

  11. Alright, I will admit, I haven't read all of your blog posts. I will, eventually. It will go insane if I don't.
    But a quick question... if you don't mind asking. So I realize that you have/had Anorexia. Do you still have it? Or I guess I want to know.. Are your pro recovery?