Thursday, 31 January 2013

I escaped the wrath of the scales on Tuesday, and was instead met with mercy. My weight has started to drop back down again, after two weeks of no losses.

The dietician was sweet as always. She asked about my goals for 2013 and I cringed. "I guess I haven't really thought about it". Which is true, kinda. I see things more on a weekly or monthly basis. I've had my bloods taken just this morning, and I'm seeing the lovely GP when she gets back next week. Finally.

For this week, I have every meal planned. I'm aiming for under 700 this week, and maybe next week I'll try going back up to 800 calories. It all depends on the scales. So far today, I've had a slice of toast and some yoghurt for breakfast, and a bowl of tomato soup with an apple for lunch. In a few hours I'm going to make a smoothie, then cook fish with potato and salad for dinner. With a Special K bar before bed, I'll finish the day at around 650 calories. Anything under 800 should lead to a loss, while keeping me somewhat physically stable. Not the world's fastest weight loss, but slowly shrinking nonetheless.

The last two weeks have been so erratic with my eating patterns, it'll be good to have some sort of routine back (though I did make a stew and have a few glasses of wine on Tuesday). I'm starting to panic about the GP next week, but it's the only way to get my head sorted out. I can't think straight, and at the moment I'm just trying to stay afloat until I can.


Monday, 28 January 2013

Hello lovelies. Sorry I keep disappearing. Times are tough, and all words feel so pointless.

Intake this week has been less erratic, but still not great. I'm slightly ashamed to say I drank on three occasions. It's something to do instead of sitting trapped in my head. It's hard to explain, but I feel the need to always be doing something when really there's nothing to do. I just need to keep myself distracted, but it's getting harder. My head is not a good place to be recently. I can't explain how or why. Today I'm making lists and plans for the next week, or at least trying to. Fingers crossed I escape tomorrow with a maintenance, or at least an insignificant gain (say less than 0.3kg)

I desperately need to get back to normality. I need to start posting more often (I hardly even journal at the moment), and losing more weight. I've come to a standstill over the last two weeks, and it's time to get back to shrinking. I can't even seem to focus on things like books or movies right now, my head is just not with it. Blech.

Sorry this is such a pointless blather, I'm having trouble getting my thoughts straight. I'll update tomorrow or Wednesday after the dietician, and hopefully I'll have something more interesting to say.

And thank you to everyone for such a wonderful, overwhelming response on my post about dear Silky. It was truly heartwarming to be met with such compassion. It's been 8 days now, and my depression is becoming lesser by the day. Which is good. But I'm left in this horrible manic state where I just need to do something, anything, keep busy and be productive.
Only one more week until the lovely GP's back, and then hopefully I can get my medication adjusted or something  to help my head. Until then, I guess I just have to keep pushing myself.


Wednesday, 23 January 2013

The Gorgeous Girl

What a week.

On Sunday morning our beloved 16 year old family dog, Silky, passed away. At 9:15am she was curled up in bed and everything was fine, until she suddenly became very ill and distressed. Within 10 minutes my brother, mum and I were with her at the emergency clinic. They think she had some sort of neurological episode. By 10:30, our beautiful Silky was asleep in our arms. It was the second time I've ever seen my brother cry, and the most upset I've ever seen mum. Everything was so sudden and unexpected, and now she's gone. I was looking into her eyes the moment she passed away, and it's something I'll never forget.

So the last few days have been hard on our little family, and we're trying to support each other as best we can. It's even little things, like if mum says she wants Japanese take-out and a strong drink, I'll mix drinks and grab the menu and try not to cause a fuss (hence the weight gain). I've basically just been trying to keep my shit together, because my family doesn't need to deal with my crap right now. Everything's building and my head still isn't right at all, everything's getting worse.

And obviously I put off weighing myself this week. I'm not coping with anything and this week really wasn't the time to weigh myself at home. I'm hoping this week's gain will disappear as quickly as it came though, and I definitely won't be indulging the night before a weigh-in again.

Rest in Peace, Silky, our gorgeous girl


Friday, 18 January 2013

Doctors, Blood Pressure & Breakdowns

The last week has been especially long and intense. I'm sorry I've been AWOL. Everything's so overwhelming. I can't cope, and I'm not functioning at all. There's been a lot going on though, and I can't get a single thought straight, I'm sorry, but please bear with me.

I actually made it to the GP this Sunday to get my OBs done, it's a frikkin' miracle. The doctor on call was lovely, absolutely wonderful and completely understanding of my anxiety. I didn't have a panic attack or leave in tears either, so I think I've found my new GP (another miracle). My blood pressure was better than it's been, though still not great (106/60 in her office). I need another blood test within the next month, which could be interesting since I stopped taking all of my supplements a few months ago.

Mania has stuck around. Though in the past week I've been feeling more depressed at times. I still don't know what's going on, and I can't explain myself, but things are not right. My mood is so messed up, it's having a huge impact on daily life. I'm either: staring into space, picking at my skin, smoking, rambling, crying, screaming, self-harming. I think I've completely snapped. I still can't explain what exactly is going on, or how I feel. Mum is also struggling a lot because of the mania, and it kills me. I can deal with anything mental illness throws at me because I don't care what happens to me, but I can't deal with it hurting my family too.

On blood pressure, it's been dropping again lately which is a worry. Last Thursday I was feeling completely strange in every way, and mum asked me to check my BP. It'd dropped to 99/44. Mum panicked, she wanted to take me to A&E, I panicked. It started to climb within 15 minutes, but that time was spent crying and begging mum not to take me to hospital. It's a whole different story, but basically I refuse to go to my local hospital because of the horrible psychiatrist, meaning emergency medical care is no longer 5 minutes away (the next-nearest hospital is 30-60 minutes away).

Mum called yesterday to try to get an appointment with the lovely GP, to get medication/whatever for the mania. Just my luck, she's on holidays until the 4th. I missed her by one day. So, mum busted out the olanzapine for me - we're that desperate. I hadn't taken them in months. I was knocked-out all day, it's the most sleep I've had in a month. I can't go on like this. Mum wants me to go to the A&E 30-60 minutes away for the mania at least, but that's not about to happen. I'm still avoiding hospital & psychiatrists in general. The next two weeks could be interesting.

So I'm still here. There's just been so much going on, and my head isn't coping with anything, so I've been hibernating hardcore. This post is getting way too long as it is, so I'll leave it here for now.

Something is looming. Everything's escalating, and there has to be a climax soon. The past weeks have been filled with talk of doctors and hospital, for mania, my blood pressure, my weight. I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm scared. There has to be a climax soon, I just don't know what or when it'll be.


Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Hello lovely ladies,

This 'routine' thing hasn't been working out so well. My sleep is still minimal, 3-4 hours most nights. I don't feel like I need more, but it's becoming harder to keep myself busy the other 20hrs of the day.
I've still been getting out of the house, kinda. I'm going out in the car, but not getting out of the car. That one trip to the supermarket is still the only time I've gone out in public for over 4 months now.

Regular meals is also failing. I normally eat 5 times a day to keep portion sizes down, but lately I've been struggling and only eating 2 or 3 times a day. I end up feeling horrible after eating larger portions, but I'm having trouble eating breakfast and lunch especially.

I had my treat day this week though, and cooked a wonderful dinner for my family. I made wholemeal pizza dough, weighed out my portion, and made thin crust pizzas topped with tomato sauce, chicken breast and 85% fat-free cheese. They were under 500 calories a pizza! Anyway, they looked and tasted amazing, and I certainly won't be buying take-out pizzas again.
Before and since, I've been under 600 calories a day. Next Tuesday I'm back to regular appointments with my dietician, which is a huge relief. Everything's been so erratic this past month, at least it'll give me one certainty.

I still can't quite explain how I'm feeling. But every day there's guaranteed to be at least two instances of crying, screaming and self-harm. Just a few weeks ago, this only happened once or twice a week. On my bad days it's constant. I'm trying to keep myself distracted as much as I can, but it's hard. Everything's too much to deal with right now, I'm just not functioning.

I'm trying my best to keep up-to-date with reading and commenting here, though. Writing posts is still very distressing and I can't keep my thoughts straight, so I've been trying to keep it short, but I promise I'll make a half interesting post soon.

All my love,

Glimmer of Hope Shiraz

Sunday, 6 January 2013

Baby Steps

Thank you to everyone who's been reading and commenting lately. You girls are all so wonderful, and your support & care means a lot to me. I'm trying to send more comments lately, even if I'm stuck for words, so bear with me <3

I went to the supermarket on Friday, for the first time in months. It was just a quick 5-minute trip, but still a big step. I hope I can start to get out of the house more, because I'm tired of being so isolated.

My routine went out the window when this manic episode started, but I'm trying to get it back. For now I need to send more comments, eat all of my mini-meals, write in my journal, and try to get out of the house more. Distractions are the only thing that help right now, so I need to keep myself busy.

And amazingly enough, I didn't get to the GP this morning to get my OBs done. I have two more weeks before I run out of anti-depressants though, and then I really need to get there.

16 days until I weigh myself

Friday, 4 January 2013

I saw my dietician yesterday afternoon, and my weight had dropped again this week.
I honestly don't know why she keeps seeing me.

I've told mum that I want to weigh myself at home soon, just once to see where I'm at, though I haven't mentioned it to my dietician yet. I don't have an appointment next week, but I'm back to my regular 8AM Tuesday appointments as of the 15th. I'm going to mention it to her then, and am planning to weigh on the 22nd before I see her, as well as a full set of measurements.

A little random, but I told my dietician how I weigh my clothes as to not effect the scales. All of the outfits I've worn to be weighed in for the last 7+ months, weigh within 10 grams of each other. I don't think she'd heard that one before!

I'm sorry I've been so absent. I keep trying to post, but I end up spending hours trying to write something, working myself into a frenzy and breaking down. I still feel manic, and I'm simply not functioning at all.

I'm feeling confident about my weight loss, though. I don't care if I lose 0.5kg or 5kg a month, I just want to be constantly shrinking.


My hand is edging further up my arm

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

New Year, New Food Diary

So, the New Year is here at last. I haven't made any resolutions, but I did get a new food diary for the year.

My 'official' record is an app on my phone, with every item precisely weighed and counted. Though I also keep a simple hand-written record of what I've eaten. Just times, meal descriptions, and total calories - portion sizes and long ingredients lists stay in my app.
I've previously just used spiral bound notebooks and scribbled in them with blue pens, but after so long it was becoming an eyesore. I wanted something more neat and organized. Now it matches my journal perfectly - except my journal has a red cover.

Food Diary: Monthly
I'm still eating between 500-600 calories a day, which is maintaining my blood sugars while giving me fairly steady weight loss. I'm planning on doing an at-home weigh in during the next month or so, just once to see where I'm at. It's been nearly 7 months since I've seen an accurate number, after all.
I need to disappear, and I want to know how I'm progressing.
I don't want to get upset at the number, or make a habit of weighing myself too regularly, but I think it'll be okay. I'm going to discuss it with my dietician first, though.

Writing about how I'm feeling and what's happening isn't helping at all, so I'm trying to avoid it completely. Writing/talking is distressing at the moment, no matter what the subject, and every post & comment is taking embarrassingly long to write. It's completely ridiculous, because there's no reason to feel so distressed. There never is, but I always am. So forgive me if I'm a little vague.

But I'm feeling optimistic about losing weight this year, especially after having maintained for so long.
2013 is my Year to Disappear.

Food Diary Cover, to match my Journal