Doctors, Blood Pressure & Breakdowns

The last week has been especially long and intense. I'm sorry I've been AWOL. Everything's so overwhelming. I can't cope, and I'm not functioning at all. There's been a lot going on though, and I can't get a single thought straight, I'm sorry, but please bear with me.

I actually made it to the GP this Sunday to get my OBs done, it's a frikkin' miracle. The doctor on call was lovely, absolutely wonderful and completely understanding of my anxiety. I didn't have a panic attack or leave in tears either, so I think I've found my new GP (another miracle). My blood pressure was better than it's been, though still not great (106/60 in her office). I need another blood test within the next month, which could be interesting since I stopped taking all of my supplements a few months ago.

Mania has stuck around. Though in the past week I've been feeling more depressed at times. I still don't know what's going on, and I can't explain myself, but things are not right. My mood is so messed up, it's having a huge impact on daily life. I'm either: staring into space, picking at my skin, smoking, rambling, crying, screaming, self-harming. I think I've completely snapped. I still can't explain what exactly is going on, or how I feel. Mum is also struggling a lot because of the mania, and it kills me. I can deal with anything mental illness throws at me because I don't care what happens to me, but I can't deal with it hurting my family too.

On blood pressure, it's been dropping again lately which is a worry. Last Thursday I was feeling completely strange in every way, and mum asked me to check my BP. It'd dropped to 99/44. Mum panicked, she wanted to take me to A&E, I panicked. It started to climb within 15 minutes, but that time was spent crying and begging mum not to take me to hospital. It's a whole different story, but basically I refuse to go to my local hospital because of the horrible psychiatrist, meaning emergency medical care is no longer 5 minutes away (the next-nearest hospital is 30-60 minutes away).

Mum called yesterday to try to get an appointment with the lovely GP, to get medication/whatever for the mania. Just my luck, she's on holidays until the 4th. I missed her by one day. So, mum busted out the olanzapine for me - we're that desperate. I hadn't taken them in months. I was knocked-out all day, it's the most sleep I've had in a month. I can't go on like this. Mum wants me to go to the A&E 30-60 minutes away for the mania at least, but that's not about to happen. I'm still avoiding hospital & psychiatrists in general. The next two weeks could be interesting.

So I'm still here. There's just been so much going on, and my head isn't coping with anything, so I've been hibernating hardcore. This post is getting way too long as it is, so I'll leave it here for now.

Something is looming. Everything's escalating, and there has to be a climax soon. The past weeks have been filled with talk of doctors and hospital, for mania, my blood pressure, my weight. I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm scared. There has to be a climax soon, I just don't know what or when it'll be.

xxBella