Friday, 18 January 2013

Doctors, Blood Pressure & Breakdowns

The last week has been especially long and intense. I'm sorry I've been AWOL. Everything's so overwhelming. I can't cope, and I'm not functioning at all. There's been a lot going on though, and I can't get a single thought straight, I'm sorry, but please bear with me.

I actually made it to the GP this Sunday to get my OBs done, it's a frikkin' miracle. The doctor on call was lovely, absolutely wonderful and completely understanding of my anxiety. I didn't have a panic attack or leave in tears either, so I think I've found my new GP (another miracle). My blood pressure was better than it's been, though still not great (106/60 in her office). I need another blood test within the next month, which could be interesting since I stopped taking all of my supplements a few months ago.

Mania has stuck around. Though in the past week I've been feeling more depressed at times. I still don't know what's going on, and I can't explain myself, but things are not right. My mood is so messed up, it's having a huge impact on daily life. I'm either: staring into space, picking at my skin, smoking, rambling, crying, screaming, self-harming. I think I've completely snapped. I still can't explain what exactly is going on, or how I feel. Mum is also struggling a lot because of the mania, and it kills me. I can deal with anything mental illness throws at me because I don't care what happens to me, but I can't deal with it hurting my family too.

On blood pressure, it's been dropping again lately which is a worry. Last Thursday I was feeling completely strange in every way, and mum asked me to check my BP. It'd dropped to 99/44. Mum panicked, she wanted to take me to A&E, I panicked. It started to climb within 15 minutes, but that time was spent crying and begging mum not to take me to hospital. It's a whole different story, but basically I refuse to go to my local hospital because of the horrible psychiatrist, meaning emergency medical care is no longer 5 minutes away (the next-nearest hospital is 30-60 minutes away).

Mum called yesterday to try to get an appointment with the lovely GP, to get medication/whatever for the mania. Just my luck, she's on holidays until the 4th. I missed her by one day. So, mum busted out the olanzapine for me - we're that desperate. I hadn't taken them in months. I was knocked-out all day, it's the most sleep I've had in a month. I can't go on like this. Mum wants me to go to the A&E 30-60 minutes away for the mania at least, but that's not about to happen. I'm still avoiding hospital & psychiatrists in general. The next two weeks could be interesting.

So I'm still here. There's just been so much going on, and my head isn't coping with anything, so I've been hibernating hardcore. This post is getting way too long as it is, so I'll leave it here for now.

Something is looming. Everything's escalating, and there has to be a climax soon. The past weeks have been filled with talk of doctors and hospital, for mania, my blood pressure, my weight. I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm scared. There has to be a climax soon, I just don't know what or when it'll be.



  1. Thank you for your comment, and I'll say the same thing to you...I wish I had words that could help you. But consider're fighting a battle that so few people can truly understand, and even in all those moments that you seem to be losing, you are still fighting. That is brave. You can't be courageous without being scared.
    I truly, truly hope this climax comes soon, something to snap everything back into place, and that you come out the better for it.
    Much love,

  2. I hope something happens soon so you will be free from it all. Thank you for all the lovely comments on my posts. They mean the world to me. I don't blame you for not wanting to go to the hospital. I feel the same way these days. Keep your head up dear. Lots of love.

  3. Thinking of you. I hope there's a good climax, not a bad one.

  4. Thank you for my comment lovely, and it wasn't ramble at all so please don't worry about that. I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time and although our situations are different I can relate so much to how you feel at the moment, especially in the way you're struggling to explain what's going on and can feel something looming. I wish I could give you a massive massive hug and sit with you and milo and boo until things were calm and our heads were clearer and we could think. I'm scared too. I don't know about what. I don't want to get sectioned but I desperately want to hurt myself and my weight is stuck stuck stuck at 49.75 all the time, but surely if I keep restricting it will go down, right? I'm only 162cm :-/ sorry that was a tangent. I love you Bella, I'm always here if you need me to talk even if its just to get out all the things running and dancing around your head so you can make more sense of it xxxxx

  5. Hey Bella, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this at the moment. I wish I could say something to make it better, but I can't. Just know I'll be thinking of you and hoping everything will be okay <3
    Alice xx

  6. Oh bella :( I'm so sorry that things are not going well :( I hope that you are able to get some help and much needed rest. Definitely missed you around here. Take care of yourself girl, and keep us posted *hugs* <3 Jade

  7. hey bella
    im poppy,,i started reading your blog over this weekend and this blog of yours is soo much relatable to pass on without commenting,,english isnt my first tongue kindly excuse any mistakes,i think i should introduce myself a lil bit,im 22,from pakistan..iv been reading ED blogs for a while now bt i hardly ever commented,theres soo much i want to say to you bt it feels so weird talking to somebody iv never personally known,im not very active on internet,mostly i just use it to study im a med school student,im thinking about starting my own blog bt i have a tendency to go AWOL during exams and which is quite alot of times:P so its better for me to just follow the ones to which i can relate,im sorry that you are having a hard time lately,,i also have hypomanic episodes,i can go days without sleeping,exhausting myself with work in school and ward is what works for me sometimes,,i know how much it can suck but im praying for you hon just hang in there,try to occupy your mind in any sort of activity that requires mental work that can get your brain to slow down a bit,also thinking and making a list of whatever helps to slow down thought process but i guess everybody works in different ways i really wish you find some way which works for you,,listen to music or sketch anything,,you are sooo much stronger then you beleive,never underestimate your powers,you are too precious to be broken by something thats really nothing,i know im rambling but i just want to be able to make it a little better for you if i can though i know that it just clicks of its own accord but i can atleast pray :) and i will sweetie.keep posting and replying i will keep check your blog whenever i can

    1. Thanks so much for your comments Poppy :)
      I'm so happy to read that you can relate to my blog. I started reading ED blogs so I could relate to others & not feel so alone, so it's great to hear.
      At the moment everything just keeps my mind running. I'm seeing a doctor in two weeks to get some sort of medication etc. to help with the mania, but for now I'm still searching for something that'll relax me.

      P.S, I don't use anything to thicken my noodle soups, I think maybe enough starch comes out of the noodles (it's just a broth base with lots of veggies & noodles).
      For vegetable-based soups I just purée them until smooth & thick :)

      Thank you so much again for your kind words, you've brightened my day :)

    2. o bella im soo happy you replied soon :) i really hope your doc finds some peace for you :) plz keep posting whenever you feel like it il defently stick around :)
      love poppy :)

  8. I really hope it's a good climax not a bad one, I'm so worried after reading this. It's good you found a decent GP and had your OBs done finally though! Stay safe hun xx

  9. Hey, I just came across your blog as I was trying to find my own ED blog that I made years ago when I was very ill and very low. I used to go by the name 'Bella' in case a friend or family member found the blog (something I didn't want as I used to write some very personal and painful thoughts) which is why I stumbled across this one. I just want to say that if it wasn't for your picture and the fact that you're from Australia I could've easily thought this might've been it! So many things on here I can relate to, and I used to write about very similar troubles and experiences. I'm now 20 and I just want to say that, as much as it feels like it's never going to go away and things will only get worse, they can get better. Although I've recently suffered a bit of a relapse (hence why I'm back to blogging) I am still so much more level-headed than I used to be and can look at things logically and calm myself down easier. It sounds strange but it's sort of all about re-claiming your own mind. It's like at the moment, your anxiety and bad thoughts have taken over, and you've found yourself feeling like they are more powerful than you. But they are not. It took a lot of things happening to me to realise this and I still have bad days but things have honestly improved for me and I hope they do for you too xx