Monday, 28 January 2013

Hello lovelies. Sorry I keep disappearing. Times are tough, and all words feel so pointless.

Intake this week has been less erratic, but still not great. I'm slightly ashamed to say I drank on three occasions. It's something to do instead of sitting trapped in my head. It's hard to explain, but I feel the need to always be doing something when really there's nothing to do. I just need to keep myself distracted, but it's getting harder. My head is not a good place to be recently. I can't explain how or why. Today I'm making lists and plans for the next week, or at least trying to. Fingers crossed I escape tomorrow with a maintenance, or at least an insignificant gain (say less than 0.3kg)

I desperately need to get back to normality. I need to start posting more often (I hardly even journal at the moment), and losing more weight. I've come to a standstill over the last two weeks, and it's time to get back to shrinking. I can't even seem to focus on things like books or movies right now, my head is just not with it. Blech.

Sorry this is such a pointless blather, I'm having trouble getting my thoughts straight. I'll update tomorrow or Wednesday after the dietician, and hopefully I'll have something more interesting to say.

And thank you to everyone for such a wonderful, overwhelming response on my post about dear Silky. It was truly heartwarming to be met with such compassion. It's been 8 days now, and my depression is becoming lesser by the day. Which is good. But I'm left in this horrible manic state where I just need to do something, anything, keep busy and be productive.
Only one more week until the lovely GP's back, and then hopefully I can get my medication adjusted or something  to help my head. Until then, I guess I just have to keep pushing myself.

xxBella
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9 comments:

  1. Eve28 January 2013 at 11:03

    I'm thinking of you my dear. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I know the feeling of needing constant things to do. College has no problem handing me new things to do though. Come summer I'll be this wreck from not having a chaotic schedule. Don't forget that we think you are beautiful. I'm sending you a giant hug!
    <3

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  2. Broken Wings28 January 2013 at 12:15

    Keep going hun, the taught period will pass, just hold in there xoxo

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  3. Cleona28 January 2013 at 12:30

    nothing you say it pointless dear. I understand what you mean with trying to find distractions to keep out of your head. I'm constantly struggling to have a distraction. I hope next week goes as you planned. Stay strong darling <3

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  4. Ruby Tuesday28 January 2013 at 22:33

    Sending you hope, faith, courage and hugs

    Stay well
    Stay your beautiful self x

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  5. désespérée de maigrir29 January 2013 at 01:05

    Sorry I'm a bit late in commenting on this, but I am terribly, terribly sorry to hear about your little Silky. As a fellow animal lover and someone who worked for a veterinarian for years, I have experienced the pain of losing a beloved pet far too many times. People who don't have cats and dogs are unable to understand what a big part of your life they become. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that she lived a good, long life and was clearly very loved. That is the best we can do for them, you know?

    I hope your test results come back quickly so that Dr. can help provide your some relief.

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  6. Katie Elizabeth29 January 2013 at 02:57

    I'm glad to hear that your loss is getting a bit easier to deal with. You're so very strong. I'm sorry that you found yourself drinking, but I understand wanting to get out of your head. It's not a safe place to be sometimes. Keep going strong my dear.
    XOXO

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  7. sofia29 January 2013 at 03:34

    good luck with getting back into your routine. im glad the loss is easier to bear now. i couldnt imagine.

    stay lovely. <3

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  8. Anonymous29 January 2013 at 06:26

    o im really very sorry abt ur pupie :( dont worry abt the gain im certain it will come off very easily
    love poppy

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  9. Nina of the Night30 January 2013 at 06:52

    Hello sweetheart, you are not being a useless friend, your comments make me happier and I love hearing from you and I'm sorry I'm more distant at the moment and I'm sorry I'm not there and I love you all the same, and I'm sorry for not being good enough. I love you and I wish I could help more. I hope you are coping as best you can and that when you see the dietician it isn't too overwhelming and upsetting. I hope the mania subsides, the gp must be back soon? Xxxx

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