Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Hello lovely ladies,

This 'routine' thing hasn't been working out so well. My sleep is still minimal, 3-4 hours most nights. I don't feel like I need more, but it's becoming harder to keep myself busy the other 20hrs of the day.
I've still been getting out of the house, kinda. I'm going out in the car, but not getting out of the car. That one trip to the supermarket is still the only time I've gone out in public for over 4 months now.

Regular meals is also failing. I normally eat 5 times a day to keep portion sizes down, but lately I've been struggling and only eating 2 or 3 times a day. I end up feeling horrible after eating larger portions, but I'm having trouble eating breakfast and lunch especially.

I had my treat day this week though, and cooked a wonderful dinner for my family. I made wholemeal pizza dough, weighed out my portion, and made thin crust pizzas topped with tomato sauce, chicken breast and 85% fat-free cheese. They were under 500 calories a pizza! Anyway, they looked and tasted amazing, and I certainly won't be buying take-out pizzas again.
Before and since, I've been under 600 calories a day. Next Tuesday I'm back to regular appointments with my dietician, which is a huge relief. Everything's been so erratic this past month, at least it'll give me one certainty.

I still can't quite explain how I'm feeling. But every day there's guaranteed to be at least two instances of crying, screaming and self-harm. Just a few weeks ago, this only happened once or twice a week. On my bad days it's constant. I'm trying to keep myself distracted as much as I can, but it's hard. Everything's too much to deal with right now, I'm just not functioning.

I'm trying my best to keep up-to-date with reading and commenting here, though. Writing posts is still very distressing and I can't keep my thoughts straight, so I've been trying to keep it short, but I promise I'll make a half interesting post soon.

All my love,

Glimmer of Hope Shiraz


  1. That pizza sounds great :) And I'm sorry to hear things are rough for you at the moment. Hope you are able to find some good distractions from self harm, I always find a Netflix account to be very helpful in that area. I just turn off my brain and watch lots of movies. Not the most productive form of distraction but it does work. Take care <3 Jade

  2. Those look yummy. I know things have been rough for you sweetie, but you're making small baby steps and that's what matters. Keep your head above water lovely.

  3. Am sending you love, hugs and courage

    Take care of you x

  4. My pocket full of stars came today and it is beautiful, completely touching and wonderful, and I also love the dotty paper it is wrapped in. Thank you so much for taking the time to make me my present, I love love love it :-) I'm keeping it in my bag all the time. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so so much

    1. Sorry tablet broke and froze... Right I'm sorry that you struggling Bella boo, I really hope the next few days are slightly easier for you, and that the dietician appointment isn't too overwhelming little starshine, I love you so so so much and will comment more later when I get home xxxxxx

    2. Thank you Bella, I binged and purged today and then threw away every item of food in my house, savoury or sweet, so I just have juice now. I only had a few things left but I used to buy daily and never have anything in the house so I'm not resisting temptation to binge 24/7 because my room is then a safe kcal free place. So I think I'll be ok from tomorrow with food I hope. I hope you're okay lovely. I'm sending you hugs xxxxx

    3. honestly sweetheart, its okay, reply whenever there is no rush, the last thing i want to do is overwhelm you bur just know you can vent at me and ramble all you like, ill never be bored or not want to reas it, if it help then write me messages, if its overwhelming they can wait, whatever suits you best im bot going to get offended or anything ok? hope u manage to see a gp and that your head remains in tact and explosion/implosion free for the day :-P xxxxxx

      p.s. thanks for the hug :-) massive hugs back xxxx

    4. (sorry for all those typos that was a phone comment and my touch screen has mini keyboard buttons :-\ !!!)

  5. Good job on the pizzas. They look good and so healthy. Look at all the progress you are making, even if it may look small at the moment. Stay strong.

  6. congrats on making more steps toward the outside, love. those pizzas look fantastic, and 500 is really awesome for a pizza! im jealous, haha. but im sorry youre having such a hard time, and i hope things start getting better for you.

    stay lovely. <3

  7. Hey beautiful!
    Thank you so much for being there for me, it really means a lot!

    How did you feel about going out to the supermarket? I think it would be a good thing to go there again sometimes, i mean, so that you can go out of your house once in a while. It does really help clarifying your mind to see different environments :)

    Your pizza looks amazing! I would love to have the recipe. (haha I always love your recipes ^^)

    Love you a lot!

  8. That pizza sounds (and looks) awesome!

    I'm sorry that things have been so hard. I second Jade's Netflix recommendation, but tv is my method of choice. When I find a show a like, I find I get sucked in and forget the rest of the world and all the crazy stuff that's happening.

    I hope things start looking up soon <3

  9. That pizza sounds amazing.
    I'm so sorry you've been having such a hard time recently. And sorry it's taken me so long to get round to catching up on your blog.
    Thank you so much for all your comments on mine; it means so much to me.
    I really hope you're doing okay, I worry about you so much.
    Please take care.