12.6

It was the longest five minutes.

I jumped up at my 5am alarm. I dashed down the hallway, went to the toilet, then lit a cigarette. 

I never could weigh myself without a smoke first.

The familiar white box peeked out from under the counter. Mum had pulled it out of hiding yesterday. 

I strip and rest my cigarette down on the counter. 

I step on the scales. 

Once. 

Twice. 

Thrice. 

43.7, 43.7, 43.7

Too much.

I don't much like to weigh myself these days. It does nothing but make me want for the number to be lower. I can run through it in my head without even stepping on the scales. 43 becomes 41, becomes 39, 37, 35, 34, 32, 30, 29... It's all a numbers game, and I know I can't win. It will never be enough. I will always need to be less. I will always be too much.

This is the first time I've weighed myself at home, first thing in the morning, looking at the number, properly weighed myself, for 18 months.

After so long of being kept up to date by my dietician, wearing the same weight of clothes and drinking the same amount of fluid every Tuesday morning for nearly two years. Though there's always room for error, I estimated I'd be around 43-45kg, so I wasn't far off. 'You've lost Xkg since June 2012' just wasn't doing it for me anymore. I needed a true update. I've tried to weigh myself several times over the last 18 months, but every time I chickened out, scared of what I'd see.

It's been a while since I've posted body-checking photos, though I still take them nearly everyday. I think it's because there've been no drastic changes to my weight for the last two years. But, since I'm updating on my weight and measurements, it seems like an appropriate time to post some.

An interesting note is that my bust measurement has gone up 1.5" in less than a year, even though my bra size and weight has gone down. It's the only measurement that's larger, most have gone down 0.5-1". I'm 99.9% sure that it's because of my lung disease, that I'm getting a barrel chest. 

(The rest of my measurements are updated here)

It's now 7am. I'm going to see the dietician in an hour. Then, I'll have to figure out the answer to the tough question. 

Where to from here?

I don't know. 

I just don't know.

xxBella