Tuesday, 21 January 2014

12.6

It was the longest five minutes.

I jumped up at my 5am alarm. I dashed down the hallway, went to the toilet, then lit a cigarette. 
I never could weigh myself without a smoke first.

The familiar white box peeked out from under the counter. Mum had pulled it out of hiding yesterday. 
I strip and rest my cigarette down on the counter. 
I step on the scales. 
Once. 
Twice. 
Thrice. 

43.7, 43.7, 43.7

Too much.

I don't much like to weigh myself these days. It does nothing but make me want for the number to be lower. I can run through it in my head without even stepping on the scales. 43 becomes 41, becomes 39, 37, 35, 34, 32, 30, 29... It's all a numbers game, and I know I can't win. It will never be enough. I will always need to be less. I will always be too much.

This is the first time I've weighed myself at home, first thing in the morning, looking at the number, properly weighed myself, for 18 months.

After so long of being kept up to date by my dietician, wearing the same weight of clothes and drinking the same amount of fluid every Tuesday morning for nearly two years. Though there's always room for error, I estimated I'd be around 43-45kg, so I wasn't far off. 'You've lost Xkg since June 2012' just wasn't doing it for me anymore. I needed a true update. I've tried to weigh myself several times over the last 18 months, but every time I chickened out, scared of what I'd see.

It's been a while since I've posted body-checking photos, though I still take them nearly everyday. I think it's because there've been no drastic changes to my weight for the last two years. But, since I'm updating on my weight and measurements, it seems like an appropriate time to post some.

An interesting note is that my bust measurement has gone up 1.5" in less than a year, even though my bra size and weight has gone down. It's the only measurement that's larger, most have gone down 0.5-1". I'm 99.9% sure that it's because of my lung disease, that I'm getting a barrel chest. 
(The rest of my measurements are updated here)

It's now 7am. I'm going to see the dietician in an hour. Then, I'll have to figure out the answer to the tough question. 
Where to from here?

I don't know. 
I just don't know.




xxBella

10 comments:

  1. Oh my God hun. You're so skinny. Like it's hard to believe your internal organs even exist. Ugh I'm sorry that was rude of me... please, please, please get better? You're so beautiful. I don't know about the rest of your followers (though they'd probably agree), but I'm really worried about you. Take care of yourself. <3 You're one of the kindest people I've ever encountered, you deserve to be happy and healthy.

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  2. Bella, I'm terrified for you :( Please be ok, please, please? Love you loads and loads, sending you gentle hugs xxxxxxxxxx

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  3. So thin. I hope you can at least see that you are thin.

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  4. Stay healthy baby girl! And if it's triggering, maybe forget the scale? focus on other better numbers like better scores, more books read, number of places traveled to. And please don't disappear on us.

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  5. Oh hunny, I am so worried for you. You are so tiny. It scares me. I hope you try to stay healthy and at least realize that you're tiny, nowhere near fat. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
    XOXO

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  6. Oh my gosh.... You. look. SO. thin!........ :'O I just want to give you a hug....(and I'd have to be super careful not to snap your tiny body :p) Please do take care of yourself hun :'( you always give the rest of us so much kind support, but remember that what you tell us applies to yourself too.
    It kinda feels like I'm reading my own story here... It's just sad to think that as we lose more weight, we are slowly wasting away, and yet we never feel thin enough... no matter what other people say...
    I get upset when people tell me things like "you look sick. just eat and put on some weight" cos it just doesn't work like that...
    Be strong sweetie.... Thinking of you.
    xoxo
    <3

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  7. I hope you can beat this. <3

    And I apologize if I don't comment on here even after you've visited me; I'm worried about being triggered again since I've been doing semi-ok the last few weeks...

    You're a warrior. You can fight this, and win. And remember, you won't have the strength to wing that sword unless you keep yourself nourished. xoxoxoxoxoxo

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  8. Dear Bella, you are too beautiful and wonderful for this. "Where to from here" - there's two answers, life and death. You are too precious for the latter, so please, try to process what this disease is and tell yourself you won't let it win. The numbers are never low enough, you'll never be happy with your weight/size, so maybe now's the time to get healthy. It's not like losing more will make you happy. I know it's not that simple, I'm underweight again now and yet I still feel like a huge monster and I can't even fathom enjoying food or a meal. But it's not going to get better if we keep going down this path. You are beautiful but you do not look well. I hope you can turn this around soon, as nothing good is going to come if things don't change soon. <3 <3 You will be, and have been, in my thoughts.

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  9. Bella, it makes me sad to see a person as amazing as you are living like this. You have so much to offer the world and everyone around you if you would just allow yourself to do so. There is so much happiness out there for you to experience if you would let yourself.
    It's always up to you where to from here, you can do anything you want. Anything.
    Thinking of you <3
    Alice xx

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  10. Bella, darling, I think these pictures highlight how ill you are. I hope soon at some point in the future you can start getting better. I had no idea just how thin you are, I hope you can see this even in pictures if not looking in the mirror. You're too precious to allow this to beat you. <3 xxx

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